Bloodflowers
by silhouetics
Summary: Both suffering from traumatic pasts, Edward and Bella meet in a psychiatric asylum in Seattle. Will they be able to heal each others wounds, or is hope lost for them both? OOC. Disturbing themes.
1. Prologue: These Days

_A/N: Okay, so this is my first proper attempt at a story. I have no BETA, so please excuse the many errors i'm sure you'll find. I'm a terrible writer (oh, the irony), and I don't expect anyone to read (let alone review) this, but I need to unleash this somewhere. Livejounral gives me a damn headache. Soooo... Let the games begin!_

**_Please note that this story will be told from Bella's POV unless indicated otherwise._**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

_Chapter Song: These Days by Powderfinger_

* * *

**PROLOGUE:**

It had been three agonizing, endless days since I was admitted into Seattle Hospital in Washington. It was far from my home in Arizona, and I was intensely homesick. Warm tears fell down my face as I stared at my mother. She was reading a magazine that she bought at one of those hospital convenience stores for five dollars. She looked so damn complacent considering we were sitting in the fucking ER. Was I pissed off at her for dragging me here? Absolutely. Was I hurt? More so than you could ever imagine.

This was the first time my mother ever willingly brought me to the hospital.

"I want to go for a walk." I said with defiance. I could hear my mothers sigh, loud and resigning. She flipped through her magazine for several minutes before her response crushed any sense of hope I had left.

"You know you can't do that, sweetheart."

"I'm going to go fucking crazy if I don't go for a walk. This place is making me want to fucking shoot myself in the head. Maybe I should do it considering everyone thinks I will anyway."

"Please don't start this again, Bella. You sound so melodramatic."

"Fuck, mom!"

I had been laying in the same bed for days now, wishing more than anything that the sun would be hitting my face and sending radiating heat rays through me. Instead I was greeted with cold fluorescent lights that made everything glow a ominous green shade. Renee found me on the bathroom floor unconscious and I woke up in this place. Since there was a shortage of beds, I had to wait until a room became available for me.

A nurse came half an hour ago to tell us that I was being moved to a room on the third floor. She then spoke to my mother privately and since then she was chipper. It made me want to scream at her. Of course _she_ was happy. She got to get out of this fucking hospital. She got to sleep in a proper bed. She got to shower and eat whenever she wanted.

"We're ready to take you up to your room, Isabella." The female nurse said to me, smiling.

I spared another glance at my mother, who refused to look at me properly since she brought me here. I didn't bother to hide the disappointed look on my face, not that she'd see it anyway. Two nurses wheeled my hospital bed toward the lift on the opposite end of the wing. The sound of metal rusting echoed loudly against the narrow hallways as we entered the large elevator.

"Everything's going to be okay, Isabella. This is nothing to be afraid of, we promise."

"What do you mean _nothing to be afraid of_? I don't understand. What's happening?" I asked the nurse nervously. They looked at my mother and then at me in confusion. I could feel my heart drop to my stomach. No wonder mom couldn't look at me. She was hiding something from me – something vitally important.

"Mom. You need to tell me what's happening."

For the first time in three days she really looked at me. Her blue eyes were dull and lifeless. I wasn't sure what I saw in her empty eyes, but I didn't like it at all.

"This is for your own good, sweetheart."

"_What the fuck is happening?_"

No one spoke as we walked out of the lifts and toward Ward C4. My heart was beating so hard and fast, I was expecting it to break free from the confinements of my skin. I didn't have to work in this hospital to know where I was heading. Ward C4 was a place that could only be entered and exited with the use of metallic swipes. Visitors had to check in with reception first. It was a psychiatric ward.

"No. No. No! No! No! NO! Mom, don't leave me in this place! Don't do this to me!" My voice was pleading with her. I didn't care how desperate I sounded in that moment, because all I felt was desperation. I tried to jump out of my bed to make a run for it, but it was pointless. I felt large arms encircle me from behind, and a foreign scream I never knew could erupt from my was piercing my eardrums.

"Bella, honey, please stop screaming!" Renee was trying to yell over me. It was no use, really. Nothing would calm me down now I knew were I was headed.

"You can't leave me here! _Mom, please_!"

"This is for your own good, sweetheart! Please let these people look after you!"

I was carried into my room kicking and screaming along with my bed. I screamed and cried until my throat was raw and thick. I couldn't see through my swollen eyes. They left me alone, my mother included for several hours before I saw them again. My sore eyes scanned the room. My single hospital bed was in the middle of the room. For some reason I was reminded of a operating table. There was mold on the ceiling of the roof and the room smelt like dust and musk. I wept loudly, sinking to the ground.

Why was this happening to me? I couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand anything that has happened to me in the past eight years.

"Alice. Alice, please. I need you. Don't leave me here all alone." I whispered through my sobs.

"I'm here, Bee." Her chime like voice responded almost instantly. Through my blurry eyes I looked at my best friend. She looked so sad and broken. Her layered hair was growing to her shoulders now and her grey eyes shining with threatening tears. "What on earth has she done to you?"

"She's leaving me here! All alone! Oh god, Alice, this is all my fault, isn't it?"

"No! Of course not!" She took my hands into her own. "But the sooner you come to accept that I am not-"

"Don't say it. Just don't, Alice." I snapped at her. She bit her lip to prevent the words she wanted to spill out of them. Even if she didn't speak the words, I knew what she was wanting to say to me. It made me feel furious, but discontent at the same time. She shook her head gently, her raven locks moving rhythmically with her.

"Why am I here?" I asked her despondently.

"I thought it was obvious by now, Bee." Her voice was incredulous now. She didn't let go of my hands as she said, "You are absolutely mad. That mind of yours is your greatest enemy."


	2. Chapter 1: Sunrise, Sunset

_**A/N:** I've been getting some alerts for this story... So thanks! Here is chapter one. PS – Can anyone tell me how to go about getting a BETA? I'm a FF n00b and have no idea what I'm doing. PSS - Please excuse my terrible errors!_

_My chapters will be an average of about 3000-5000 words. Remember, this story is generally told from Bella's POV unless indicated._

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

_Chapter Song: Sunrise, Sunset by Bright Eyes__**  
**_

_**

* * *

**"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked._

_"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."_

_"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice._

_"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."_

_

* * *

_

It had been two weeks since my move to the adult unit at Seattle Psychiatric Hospital. I just turned eighteen, not that there was much of a reason to celebrate.

Since my admission into this place three years ago I learned a lot of things about people. A lot of it involved making no form of contact with any other patient, unless you wanted trouble. Sure, a lot of the people here were harmless but in truth they scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't believe myself to be insane, because I refused to be told that my past memories were figments of my imagination. I wasn't giving into it, and if that meant staying here until I took my last breath, so be it.

I guess in a way I was cocking the gun that I was holding to my own temple.

I stared at the walls of the room absentmindedly. The rich mahogany wood from the bookcases aligning the small room had a distinctive smell – kind of like comfort but a hint of leather mashed into the mix. It didn't make sense at all, but then again nothing about my life ever did. Maybe I really _am_ insane. I pondered the thought of insanity for a quick moment, before I stared into the fireplace.

"What are you thinking right now, Isabella?" Dr Cullen asked me with genuine curiosity.

Dr Carlisle Cullen was my new psychiatrist. I didn't know much about him other than he was also a surgeon at Forks Hospital which was almost three hours away from here. He only saw three patients in this ward, me being one of them. This was my third session with him, but I knew I could trust him. I wasn't sure why. I was very honest with him, even if it was at my demise. His ice blue eyes were a contradiction – they were filled with warmth and concern. In another life, I would have looked at him as a father figure. I guess I should have known better. I was nothing more than a file that lead to his paycheck.

He wasn't like any other psychiatrist or psychologist I had ever come across in the whole time I had been seeing them. He didn't sit across from me. He sat as close as possible without an intrusion of privacy. He did not hold a pad and paper with him, jotting things down while I spoke. He maintained eye contact and talked to me quite informally. He tried to make things as comfortable as possible and I appreciated his efforts, like I'm sure many others did.

"I miss the life I once had outside the walls of this hospital."

"Do you mind elaborating for me, please?"

"I miss... Being able to go for a walk outside in the sunshine or rain whenever I felt like it. I... I miss... Going to the library and being surrounded by the smell of old books. I miss being able to cook my own meals. I... miss my bed. I miss my possessions. I miss my damn room and my damn house back in Phoenix."

"I completely understand why you feel that way, Isabella, I honestly do. But why do you think that was temporarily taken away from you? You've said to me previously that you don't feel like you should be here?"

The room was now glowing in a strange ethereal way from the fireplace. I watched the leaves falling from a large oak tree outside. The outside world was a constant reminder that I was a prisoner in this place. Although I constantly kept my mind guarded from thoughts of the future, there would be the rare occasion where it would plague my mind. I was currently having a lapse in judgment. Was this what I was destined to for the rest of my life? Would the rest of my life consist of jumping from asylum to asylum?

I growled in frustration and managed to squeeze myself into the fetal position. The tiny leather loveseat that I was sitting on moaned in protest. I was sick of explaining myself to every health care professional I had seen over the years and was met with a cordial response and mediocre facial expressions. I spoke in a loud, monotonous tone that sounded cold even to my ears.

"I am here because of a traumatic event in my past that apparently never happened. I have been diagnosed from everything to psychosis, to schizophrenia, to agoraphobia, to fucking bipolar disorder. I am far too tired for someone my age, Dr Cullen, and I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Are you having thoughts of self harm or of suicide?"

"Of course I am! You would be too if you were forced to stay in this fucking place without an indication of freedom!"

"You say 'apparently'..."

"It happened." I interrupted him mid sentence.

"Alice, you mean." It wasn't a question. I turned to look at my psychiatrist dead in the eye. His concerned eyes made me uneasy. He looked like he was really worried for me, and that made me angry. Why it would, I couldn't fathom.

"You expect me to defend myself right now, don't you?"

"Sometimes I'm not sure what to expect from you, Isabella. I am speaking to you right now off the record. I can tell that you're an intellectual person. You know why you're here. I know you do. I want to here your side of things."

"I know what everyone thinks. I know what Renee keeps saying, but she's wrong, Dr Cullen. Alice is not someone I made up in my head when I was a child. She was someone that walked this earth like I am right now. She took breaths like all of us, she ate, she slept, she lived. She was my best friend and the night that she died ten years ago, I died too. I _refuse_ to fucking believe that she was never real."

"Are you saying that your mother is lying to you?"

"Absolutely." I said without any hesitation. He didn't say anything for several minutes. His eyes did not leave mine for a single moment during the silence. I hadn't divulged into extreme detail about Alice's death, and he never pushed me to do so. I knew that he knew the details anyway because of my file. But he knew that I would talk when I was ready, and was willing to wait until I trusted him completely.

"I know she was real, Dr Cullen." I said quietly. "I know that my hallucinations aren't normal, but I just know that she was in my life at one point. There is no way I made this up."

"When was the last time you saw Alice as a hallucination, Isabella?"

I felt my empty stomach rising to my throat. I didn't look at him as I said, "I haven't seen her for three weeks."

* * *

I sat alone at one of the many dining tables in the large eating area. I guess one of the only benefits of being diagnosed with agoraphobia was that I got to have my own table. The down side is that there was one other person that had agoraphobia, therefore we sat together by default. At least he sat on the opposite side of the table and never talked to me.

Guess it wasn't really a benefit if I had someone sitting with me regardless.

"_...And in today's news, rate rises likely despite market meltdown. Interest rates will be likely to concur-"_

I picked at my lunch (aka, my packet pasta and frozen vegetables) with distaste and listened to the current affairs of my wing. I tried not to, but in all honesty, the loud bitch also known as Jessica always drowned out the television. I couldn't believe the bullshit that came out of this girls mouth.

"I can't believe you haven't seen him!" Jessica told Lauren in disbelief. "He only comes in twice a week, but oh my gosh! He is so fuckable, Lauren. I tried to touch his shoulder and he told me that it was inappropriate! I mean, come on. I know he wants this."

"Not everyone wants to have sex with a mental patient, Jessica."

Jessica was a sexual deviant. She believed that everyone was sexually attracted to her, and she would make several advances toward the opposite sex, even when they would decline. Poor Dr. Cullen. Poor anyone with the male anatomy. Lucky for me, I had a vagina. I kind of felt sorry for the men in our wing.

"Well Dr Drake told me I had hot tits once. You remember him? We had a lot of sex, too. After I sucked him off once he begged me to titfuck him. Got a large dick, too. It was _amazing, _let me tell ya."

"EWWWW!"

"For fucks sake, Jessica!"

"I didn't need to know that!"

"_That's_ why he got fired?"

I threw my fork atop my instant mash potato in disgust. A chair from across my table scraped loudly and I immediately looked down at my lunch. Of course I knew who was taking the seat across from me. He sat across from my three meals a day and four group sessions a week. His name was Edward Masen. I didn't know much about him at all but then again I wasn't that interested. I knew of his presence yet I had never looked at him before. It was unusual.

"Would you like some more juice, Isabella?" Benton, one of the warden's asked me. I nodded my head slowly, and he smiled at me before taking my plastic cup.

I had a sudden urge to look at everyone in this place. I couldn't help but wonder what happened in their lives to have them all end up in this face. Was it a traumatic event like my own, or were they simply wired differently from the moment they were born?

"Where is my desert?"

"You didn't list that you wanted desert on your menu last night, Guy."

"My name's not Guy, it's _Gay with an E_. You fucking know that! _Gaye_! I want my fucking desert now!"

"You don't ave any desert today, Gaye. I'm sorry but you're going to have to wait until tomorrow."

"You fucking hate me! You all do! I just want my desert! Please?"

"No, Gaye."

"Fuck you! You're all fucking out to get me, aren't you? You bastards!"

"Don't talk to Aimee like that, Gaye." Benton said firmly. Gay with an E started screaming incoherently, and the only words I could understand were 'fuck' and 'assholes'. Benton handed me my juice and walked toward her direction. I sipped from my plastic cup slowly, listening to the uproar that was bound to happen at any moment.

"You can't have desert because you didn't tick the boxes last night at dinner. When you fill out your meal forms tonight during dinner for tomorrow we'll make sure you have your desert, okay?"

"No! I want one now! I- _Ooh_! Is that chocolate pudding? Can I have it?" She turned her attention to some poor person who happened to be sitting close to her.

"But I have already had a few bites. Do you mind if my germs are all over it?"

"No I don't mind. I _love_ chocolate pudding."

"You can't have Lily's pudding, Gaye!"

I shot out of my seat and left the dining area, unable to handle another moment of Gaye and her desert complaints. She did this everyday and loved to make a scene about the desert she expected but never requested on paper. When I returned to my pathetic excuse for a room I walked directly to my window. I looked down to the ground floor, where people all had somewhere to be. I was a prisoner.

"I want my life back." I whispered to no one.

"Then you know what you have to do, Bee."

Only one person called me Bee. Her chime like voice sent my heart racing, but I id not turn to look at her. I was truly furious with Alice. I hadn't seen her in three weeks! And now she appears beside me to tell me things that I already knew? Un-fucking-believable! I could feel her eyes burning holes in me, but I didn't budge from my position by the window. I stared at my reflection through the glass for the longest time. I ignored Alice's words for almost half an hour before she began to yell at me.

"You know, Bee, I'm a fucking figment of your imagination. I can keep rambling on and on and you ignoring me won't make me poof into disappearance."

"Poof into disappearance? Lovely use of words there."

"Bella, I'm serious-"

I couldn't take it anymore. My head snapped in her direction as sharp as a rubber band being flicked. I could feel my anger rolling off me in waves.

"You disappear for three weeks and then come here to lecture me? I was beginning to think that I'd never see you again!"

"You've been taking those anti-psychotic tablets the doctor gave you, haven't you? That's why you haven't been seeing me. You're a smart girl yet you didn't realize that would be why I've been vanishing?"

"Don't talk to me like I'm a fucking child! Why are you in front of me then, huh?"

"My god, when did you become so dramatic? What kind of company have you been keeping in this place?"

"Fuck you, Alice Brandon! You sound just like Renee!"

Her cold hand slapped my cheek brutally. The stinging sensation was unbelievably painful. My cheek was throbbing from the impact of her palm. I was sure that you'd be able to see a hand print. Her Grey eyes were turning into a dark charcoal. This was bad.

"Don't you _ever_ compare me to your pathetic mother." She hissed at me. "That woman has done nothing to help you when you've been face down in the dirt. She has done nothing but receive sympathy that she doesn't deserve. She loves the attention but not her own daughter. She doesn't love you, Bee! So don't you _dare_ compare me to her!"

Alice's eyes reminded me of a thunderstorm. Sometimes I swear I could see the lightning flashes, the sign of her unpredictable anger. I had to be very careful right now. When she became angry she would destroy everything insight, including me.

"She does love me!"

"If she loved you, she would do anything in her power to help you! Not leave you in this place and marry every man she thinks she loves for that week! When was the last time you saw her? Answer me that."

"No."

"That's exactly that I thought."

"I've been alone without you. I'm sorry. I'm just upset." I whispered. Her stiff composure immediately began to smooth away. Her eyes returned to the light Grey that was so unique, yet so Alice. I could swear that they were even sparkling right now.

"Not really. Edward has been some form of company for you. If you'd actually look at him you might realize that."

"What the shit are you talking about?"

"You know, that guy who sits with you at the dinner table?"

"I know who Edward is. He doesn't speak to me."

"Well duh, he's a fucking mute."

"..._Huh_?"

The look on Alice's face would have been comical if I didn't know that was was being serious right now. She was looking at me like I recited the damn alphabet belching. She took my hands and started rubbing her thumbs in circles. Her hands were ice cold.

"He doesn't speak at all. You know what I'm saying? You really should pay attention to those around you."

"_He doesn't speak at all_?"

"Yes!" She threw her hands up in frustration. "And don't bother to say that you _do_ pay attention to those around you, because those skanks don't count. They have peas for brains and aren't even worth paying attention to. Annnddd by the way, Edward looks at you a lot."

"How would you know?"

"Are you seriously asking me that question right now? I am in your mind, Bee. I pick up things that your eyes and ears tune out."

"So what if he looks at me?"

A grin spread across my best friends face. "Oh my gosh! You like him, don't you?"

"_HUH_?"

"You do! You're blushing! You haven't even looked him in the eye and you like him!"

"I don't fucking like him! What the shit are you talking about?"

She giggled like a child that spotted something shiny. She clapped her hands and started dancing in circles around me.

"You want to do the nasty no-no with Eduardoooo!"

"Shut up!"

"Oh!" Alice gasped as two crisp knocks interrupted out conversation. I didn't have to look around the room to know that Alice was gone. Loneliness was washing over me once more. Dr Cullen's head popped through the door.

"Your group session with Edward is about to start, Isabella. Would you like to walk with me to the red room?"

"Um. Sure." I answered loudly. I began to walk to the door, muttering words I made sure Dr Cullen couldn't hear.

"Let's get this over with."


	3. Chapter 2: Until We Bleed

**_A/N: _**_Oh hi there :) No BETA just yet, will be very soon though, so please excuse any/all errors. I'll come back and edit the stories once she goes through them all. I've started a playlist for this story. Check it out on my profile, and add me on twitter. I have no followers :[ Just to let ya'll know, this story is very short, I want it to be done in 12 chapters, including the epilogue. So full warning ya, things are about to become very fast paced.  
_

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
**_Chapter Song:_ _Until We Bleed by Kleerup ft Lykke Li_

* * *

_"I drink to stay warm, and to kill selected memories"_

_- Conor Oberst_

_

* * *

_

Alice and I squeezed on my single hospital bed quite comfortably. We stared at the moldy ceiling for several hours and pretended that we were stargazing like we used to several years before. I could almost visualize our memories in perfect clarity. I could smell the fresh cut grass clap against my bare arms. I could feel the crisp evening breeze entering my lungs sharply. Our hands were laced together and our eyes never wavered from our imaginary night sky.

I wasn't quite sure when I drifted off to sleep but Alice's elbow gently nudged me awake as the sun had begun to rise.

"Ughh, Alice!"

"I know, I know... I'm sorry. How are you feeling?"

I shook my head angrily as I pulled the thin cotton blanket over my head and rubbed sleep from my eyes. I felt extremely disoriented. Since Renee had come to visit me just hours before, she dropped another one of her bombs and I was left in the middle of the destruction she left behind. I couldn't get our brief conversation out of my mind. Alice pulled the sheet away from my head and looked at me seriously.

"That bad, huh?"

I couldn't help but think of the conversation Renee and I had a few hours ago. I hadn't seen her in several weeks and then she entered unannounced, flashing her large diamond engagement ring in front of anyone that happened to be within a six foot radius of her. Edward actually had a panic attack because she practically jumped in front of him. I wouldn't have known had I not heard Dr Cullen screaming at her. She left in a damn whirlwind. She was coming back later on today to tell me more about her newest squeeze.

I remembered the blood draining from my face as I saw her ring. I found it hard to be enthusiastic for her when this was her seventh engagement.

"She makes me so angry, Al." I mumbled against my pillow. I knew I was crying but I couldn't even find the energy to wipe away the tears. "I don't get it. I really don't. That woman is acting like she's getting married for the first time, not the seventh. She is in this oblivious world, Alice. I get that she's happy, but she didn't ask me how I was or even explain to me why I didn't even get a fucking phone call on my birthday. She's apparently living in Florida now. Florida!"

"I'm surprised she even made the time to come and see you."

"That makes two of us."

I rolled over to face Alice. I could see my reflection in her eyes. Was it possible for a person to look like they were withering away into oblivion? I looked like an absolute mess.

"Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my dad was still around. Would he have been the same as Renee or more... I don't know... Nurturing? I guess even my dad could see how much of a fuck up I would grow up to be and left before he could witness it all."

Alice hugged me tightly and I wept. I rarely cried but when I did, it was a sight to behold. My hurt, fear and despair consumed me and I was convulsing. She whispered that everything was going to be okay. I wished that it would be, because I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

I tried to picture my father. It was impossible. I hadn't seen him since I was two years old. Renee refused to even speak of him, or her past flames for that matter. I don't even know what his name was.

"Do you remember anything at all about your father?"

"No... Not at all."

"I hate your mother." Alice whispered to me.

"I don't know why you hate her so much. She tries... And I know she loves me in her own fucked up way."

"She doesn't know what love is."

"She loves me, Alice."

"No she doesn't. I just wish that you'd open your eyes, Bee."

"Open my eyes? You always speak in such riddles." I muttered. My eyes were stinging from all my crying. I was sure they were bloodshot and swollen. It felt like I was swallowing sandpaper.

"Remember, I'm in your mind. I see the things you see. I hear the things you hear. Just open your eyes."

The sound of morning traffic somewhere in the distance was starting to lull me to sleep. My body was heavy, my burdens pushing my down into the mattress. Alice nudged me awake again.

"Alice! I need the sleep!"

"I know you do but wake up call is in five minutes."

"Fuuuuuccckkk." I groaned.

My insomnia was become a major mind fuck for me. Ever since my move to the adult ward I was finding it difficult to have more than three hours of broken sleep a night. I started to take sleeping tablets, but they were doing absolutely nothing for me. It was making me feel like absolute shit with each passing second.

I decided to get up and have a shower before the nurse came in to wake me up. With my towel in hand I briskly walked toward the showers before someone beat me to it. I was hoping that the warm water would wake me up but it did the opposite. I was swaying against the water on the verge of falling asleep. In a snap decision I turned off the hot water and squealed shamelessly as cold water assaulted my body.

That woke me up real nice.

I tried to ignore the continuous banging on the bathroom door but I soon discovered that I only had so much patience. Usually I never snapped, but lately I reached the end of my limits with mundane gestures – like knocking on the door and annoying the shit out of whoever is in there at the time. Once I was dressed I threw open the door was was ready to go off at whoever was disturbing me. My words stopped dead in my throat when I was face to face with the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.

I knew who he was without even recognizing his face. It was Edward. It had to be.

"I... Uhh... Well this is awkward." I muttered, looking at Edward's feet. He was barefoot. I hated feet, but even they were beautiful. I apologized quickly and walked away from him without looking back.

Could I be anymore foolish? How could I have not worked up the nerve to look at him? Who the hell looks like they're a god in this place? He's a fucking Adonis! A sight to behold! Because I was an absolute idiot and wasn't paying attention to where I was walking I slammed face first into Dr Cullen.

He laughed as my face turned bright red from embarrassment and told me that we can either have our group session now or after breakfast. I told him that I'd rather do it now since I was out of bed. When Edward got out of the shower we all sat in the comforting room in silence for several minutes. I called the counseling room the earth room because of all of the bookcases and mahogany. I always felt oddly at peace in this room. It was one the place in this entire building where I felt remotely sane.

Dr Cullen was looking between Edward and I curiously. I stole a quick glance at Edward and was stunned by his beauty again. We weren't sitting that close to each other, but our hands were almost touching. What stunned me even more was that I didn't make any sort of attempt to move away from him. Agoraphobia, where are you right now?

I gasped before I had time to compose myself. My hands flew to my mouth and I bit onto my palm to shut myself up. Alice was right! Of course she was. She was in my mind, after all. I could picture that devious smirk on her face.

Edward's green eyes met my brown ones _and then he smirked at me_!

Well sweet mother of all things that are holy...

"So I see that you two have become... Um... Better acquainted?"

"Uhh..."

My cheeks were as red as tomatoes. I could just picture the look on my face right now. I'm sure Alice would be having a laughing fit were she here right now. Edward and I technically had no relationship at all but after this discovery of mine, what the hell was I going to do? How could I even look at him without turning as bright as a fucking tomato? How embarrassing! I was absolutely positive that Edward had no feelings for me. He probably was even laughing at me in his mind, thinking how worthless I was.

"We... Uhh.. No?"

_Wow, Bella. Don't act like you're intellectual at all._

I was mentally cursing Edward for his muteness. I wanted him to speak for once during out sessions. There was only so much a single person could say in a group session.

"No?" Dr Cullen sounded like he was about to laugh. _Yeah that's right, laugh it up, __Cullen. _Edward looked away from me, all humor in his eyes gone. I stared at him but he didn't return his gaze again. I wasn't going to lie – I was hurt. And I wasn't sure why it was that way.

"Isabella?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"Oh. No. I'm sorry."

"I thought that we might go for a stroll around the hospital courtyard today. What do you think?"

_Oh my goodness_! The mere thought of even having an opportunity to go outside sent my heart into a frenzy. I could almost taste the fresh air. I nodded me head enthusiastically.

"Yes! I haven't been outside in months."

"I know." He smiled at me. "I think that this will be very beneficial to both yours and Edward's therapy. We will of course keep our distance from groups of people if that is what you prefer. If someone does approach you, I will not move toward you unless you give me the signal to do so."

"And the signal is?"

"For you Bella, just yell out my name. Edward, you just have to give me eye contact and I'll be there in a heartbeat. I have faith in both of you. You've both progressed so far since the first appointment we had."

I was touched by Dr Cullen's thoughtfulness. I wasn't so confident that I wouldn't be having a panic attack, but I needed this. As selfish as it may be, I really did.

I must be as selfish as my mother.

* * *

We decided to walk down the stairs for some much needed exercise. It felt exhilarating to get the blood flowing through my veins. My increased heartbeat and need for more oxygen made me feel alive. I made note in my mind to inquire about an exercise regime that I might be able to participate in. I could do cardio or weights. I needed some muscle on my bones, anyway.

As soon as we entered the hospital lobby I was bathed with the scent of flowers in bloom. I took a deep breath and let the scent wash over me. I walked as fast as I could without running toward the garden bed. The was was overhead and shining down over me. I dropped to my knees and felt myself grinning like an idiot. I touched the beautiful flower petals and marveled at the texture of the fragile petals against my fingertips. There was a chilling air, the sign of winter about to hit with full force. I kind of hoped it would snow, because I hadn't been able to touch snow in years. I don't know how long I was sitting in the garden before I felt that magnetic pull for the third time today.

Edward knelt beside me with a white rose in hand. I stared at him completely dumbfounded as he passed the rose to me. I was immobilized. My mind was screaming at me to take the damn rose but my body wasn't listening to me! I was too stunned by the way that Edward looked in the sunlight. If I thought that he was beautiful by something as simplistic as fluorescent lighting, I was sorely mistaken. His bronze hair intensified against the sunlight. I could see shades of blond, light brown, red and even orange all at the same time. They weren't at all conflicting with one another. His eyes were the lightest green my eyes had ever seen and his skin... Oh my... I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating but it was almost as if he was shining like a thousand diamonds! He was such a beautiful sight...

The gentle smile on his face was beginning to be replaced with disappointment. I wasn't sure what ignited in me at that moment but I was thankful for the kick start in my body. As his hand began to move away, my own shot out to stop him. My fingertips covered his hand. An electric shock jolted through every inch of my body. I wouldn't have known that he felt it were it not for us both gasping at the same time. His skin felt like velvet. His eyelids fluttered shut and he smiled.

What on earth was happening between us? We both had agoraphobia, so how are we able to touch each other for the first time and not react negatively? How could this connection happen so quickly? _Stop thinking, just feel, _Alice's voice echoed in my mind.

I wasn't sure what Edward saw in my eyes as he pulled his hand away from my own. He placed the rose between my two hands and cupped my cheek.

"I wish you could talk to me right now." I whispered to him. He smiled at me sadly, nodding his head.

Could this Adonis ever feel something for me other than sympathy or amusement? Was that all this was to him? Without another word he was back on his feet and out of my sight. I looked down at the rose between my hands and smiled again. I seemed to be doing a lot of that today.

"Be ready." Alice told me. My head snapped up and searched the courtyard. I couldn't see Alice, but I could hear her.

"Alice, where are you?" I whispered.

_Pay attention to what I am saying. Be ready, _she said.

"Such a nice day isn't it?" A masculine, unfamiliar voice said to me. I froze. He sat beside me. He was far too close. I wanted to move away but I was immobilized again. I looked down to my white rose and shut my eyes tightly.

I tried to erase the image that I saw of him for those brief seconds. He had mousy brown hair and was quite unusual looking... Very average looking, actually. He was looking at me inappropriately. It made me nervous.

_You can do this, Bee_, Alice said to me. She was guiding me right now in spirit. I didn't like where this conversation was heading. I knew what was coming and I had to squash it before it happened.

"Um. Yeah."

"That guy that was with you before... He's not your boyfriend, is he?"

Oh fuck! Where the hell was Dr Cullen? Or Edward for that matter! I couldn't see them anywhere! The tight coiling sensation in my chest was beginning to form. It was the first sign of a panic attack. I closed my eyes again and tried to regulate my breathing just like Dr Cullen had taught us. It was all for moments like this. I just needed to concentrate on my breathing.

_Breathe, Bee. Breathe._

"No."

"Well good." His voice was fucking repulsive. He sounded lie he wanted to eat me whole like some fucking cannibal. My chest was beginning to hurt now. My hands were clamming and I could feel my hair clinging to the back of my neck. "I was worried that there might be some competition there. Not that he could ever compare to me."

_Breathe! You have to breathe!_

"I think you are just... Beautiful. A goddess. What are you doing in the hospital, angel? Hopefully not to tend to a sick relative, I hope. You look like your heart is breaking. I can help you fix it, you know."

_Inhale. Exhale. Count to ten, that normally helps._

Was this moron being serious right now? Did lines like that work on anyone? I glanced around again for Dr Cullen and saw him. My eyes widened and he started walking toward us briskly.

"Excuse me!" Dr Cullen's voice sounded in the distance.

"Hey. Are you alright?" The stranger's hand stroked my arm. I couldn't stop the scream that erupted from my lips. It was so foreign and primal. It was fucking bloodcurdling – that was the only way to describe it. I squeezed my eyes shut and felt hot tears fall from my face. My throat was in absolute agony but the cried wouldn't cease. He got too close. He was in my personal space.

"DOCTOR CULLEN!" I screamed out.

"Isabella, breathe!" Dr Cullen's voice said to me in soothing concern. He wasn't touching me at all, but was right by my side. My fists were being penetrated by something sharp. I couldn't loosen my grip. Every muscle in my body was tense and screaming at me.

Dr Cullen once explained to me that this was my body reacting to the nerves that would escalate on the verge on my panic attack. The flight or fight reflex, he called it. He explained to me that my body was experience adrenaline, but because I was in fear and I didn't know what to do with the energy, I wouldn't do neither of those things. Instead, my hypersensitivity would become my downfall.

"Doctor Cullen... I can't... I can't breathe..." I was gasping hysterically. It sounded like I was a smoker with a bad cough, it was that loud. It was too late now. I couldn't stop my panic attack. The constricting feeling in my lungs was already there. The only part of me that was moving was my chest. My lungs were pleading for the air that my throat wouldn't deliver. I looked at that stupid idiot and he looked as pale as paper.

"Get.. Him... The fuck away... From me!" I cried out between my gasps. I couldn't understand the conversation that was going underway around me. The only thing I could hear for several minutes was my beating heart and shallow breathing.

_You can do this, Bee! Don't you fucking give in!_

"Isabella, sweetheart, you need to listen to me, okay? Now I'm going to touch your neck for your pulse, okay? Shake your head or tell me right now if you don't want me to." After checking my pulse, Dr Cullen hands cupped my cheeks. He made me look him in the eye. I was crying hysterically now. He was nothing more than a blurry vision.

"Remember those cognitive session we've had, Isabella? This is the perfect opportunity to try that, okay? I need you to count to ten in your mind. Slowly, sweetheart. Each odd number, take a breath, each even, exhale. I will be counting with you and will be here." I nodded my head and focused all my attention and energy on Dr Cullen's voice.

"One..... Two..... Three....."

Just like all the times we had practiced, I focused on my breathing and counted along with him in my mind. My eyes were squeezed together so tightly I was beginning to see stars. I felt so nauseous and my heart was thudding out of my damn chest. Is it physically possible for your heart to do such a thing?

_Focus, Bee!_

"Four..... Five..... Six....."

I could feel my muscles beginning to relax. Oh thank the lord! The terrible sensation and feeling of a panic attack was such a terrible thing to experience. I was thanking god that the worst of it was beginning to pass. I just had to get myself together to get my muscles to relax completely. All I had to do was focus... Focus...

"Seven..... Eight....."

_You're nearly there, Bee, just keep focusing. _My hands that were almost welded together were now loose. The cool breeze were stinging the cuts I wasn't sure how got there in the first place. I was beginning to sway.

"Nine..... Ten....."

I exhaled for the last time. I felt completely limp against something warm and soft. When I was certain that I could do so, I peeked through one eye and instantly saw... A sunrise? I couldn't smell roses or any sort of flowers anymore, but something beautifully unique. It was some sort of cross between cigarettes, vanilla, sunshine and peppermints combined with something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. The magnetic pull was at full force now.

_You did it!_

Edward's grip tightened around me as I started crying again. I knew that the reason I had my panic attack was because of contact with a stranger, but I needed the closeness Edward was providing me right now. I knew him. I felt like I had always known him. He was anything but a stranger in my eyes. I needed the closeness of another familiar body against mine right now. If I had Alice to _really _hug, it would have been even better.

Dr Cullen patted my shoulder from behind Edward. He was smiling at me.

"I am so proud of you, Isabella."

I pulled away from Edward, but was still in his arms as I looked at my psychiatrist in shock. How could he be proud of me? He believed that I could come out here and I failed the moment a stranger approached me. I hated myself so much for letting Dr Cullen down.

"But I had a panic attack..."

I leaned into Edward, resting my head on his chest. His heartbeat was quick and labored. I hope that I didn't cause him any stress. _Or maybe, just maybe, he was really worried about you_. His grip tightened again. I was more proud of Edward. He hated physical contact but here he was. He held me during my panic attack. I guess we had both come a lot further than we realized.

"You controlled it. Two months ago, the mere sight of a stranger would have sent you into a maniacal attack. Do you remember the first time you saw me? You cried for hours. You were screaming at me to get away from you. It took _physical_ contact for you to have this attack. You spoke to him. You handled it exceptionally. And you focused on your breathing. You have come so far. I am so proud of both of you. Well done, Edward."

I realized at that moment that I wasn't just a paycheck to Dr Cullen. I actually meant something to him, and so did Edward. He wanted both of us to get better and away from this life. And for the first time in ten years, I believed that my life was meant for more than this. I _wanted_ it to be.

My hands were throbbing furiously. I looked down at my hands and saw that it was the thorns from the rose that pierced my skin. My blood had stained the white petals of the rose.

"Blood flower." I whispered.

"What on earth is this?" A shrill voice yelled from the opposite end of the courtyard. I saw my mother storming toward our direction, her hand in a tall strangers. I was suddenly reminded of the saying 'if looks could kill'...

"Get your hands off my daughter!"


	4. Chapter 3: Bullet Proof, I Wish I Was

_A/N: I know, I know. A lot of ya'll hate ANs. My bad. I'm not really happy with this chapter. I re-wrote it 3 times and this was the best I could come up with. If ya'll don't like it... I don't blame ya. No BETA, so mad bad x2. Sorry for any/all errors. It's midnight here and i'm delirious. Also, the next chapter should be up very soon! It's one of my faves so far. PS I've tweaked/edited some previous chapters - adding in songs that I feel suite the chapters. Too lazy to use the play list website I posted on my profile. Plus, my internet is a major fail right now... Excuses, excuses. Enough blabber for now..._

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, obviously.**  
_Chapter Song: Bullet Proof... I Wish I Was by Radiohead_

* * *

_Why do you stay in prison when the door is so open wide?_

_Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence._

_- Jalal ad-Din Rumi_

* * *

Dr Cullen and I sat opposite each other in a small seating area outside of the hospital cafe. I held a cigarette to my lips and greedily inhaled nicotine and toxins. I was barely aware of the smoke escaping my mouth and sprawling ahead toward Dr Cullen. I felt bad, honestly I did, but not enough to put the cigarette out. I needed it. He looked at me, like a father would a daughter, his eyes disapproving. I tapped ash into an empty can of coke that had the pleasure of being my astray. It was an characteristically warm day, considering it was winter at the moment. Normally this time of the year it would have already snowed, or at the very least, the city would be blanketed with icy roads and struggling vehicles. Trees swayed to the rhythm of the wind that made each branch dance delicately. I shrugged out of my over sized cardigan and put out my cigarette.

I immediately lit another one.

"I could give you a lecture about smoking, but I won't."

"Good, because I'd blow more smoke in your face and enjoy it."

Dr Cullen laughed melodically. For a man that was so highly regarded by his peers and even his mentors, Carlisle Cullen looked like he couldn't be older than thirty five years old. Maybe he wasn't. He was still so young looking. He must had worked incredibly hard to get to where he has at such an early age. The stress that he must deal with every single day didn't show at all on his features. He was genetically blessed, and I'm sure that even in his eighties, young girls would still be fawning over him. All of the praise that he had received, he deserved, if not more.

His elbows were on the table, his hands clasped together. We was looking at me curiously. I knew he was going to ask me what I was thinking at any moment.

With my cigarette in one hand, I clumsily picked up my Styrofoam cup of coffee, blowing the top of the lid before I took a sip. The warm liquid rushed down my throat like velvet. It was strong and black, just the way I liked it. I easily consumed half of the large cup before I placed it back on the table, working up the nerve to speak.

"I assume you want me to talk about what happened with Renee earlier, right?"

"You assumed correctly." His faded British accent said to me kindly. He had adopted a North American accent over the years, but a hint of his former life still lingered. It was a beautiful combination. He had a small smiling playing on his lips. He was barely amused by our encounter with my mother hours before now. For a while there, I had put her in her place.

"I'm not exactly sure what you want me to say. You saw what happened for yourself."

"I'd like to know what you were thinking during the time your mother practically hit you in front of us all. What was going through your mind?"

"I was angry, as you saw. I told her to fuck off."

"One thing that really stood out to me was your protectiveness over Edward. Did you notice that?"

"Well... No."

Dr Cullen took the lit cigarette from my fingers and took a drag. I grinned at him and he smirked, looking out toward the swaying trees. What a sneaky bastard! Falling leaves looked like dark stars falling from the sky.

I thought back to the argument my mother and I had earlier that morning and frowned. I had never seen such hate harbor in her eyes before and it frightened me. We seemed to bring out the worst in each other at times.

Renee's sharp, manicured nails dug into my hips and I winced at the feel of her fake acrylics. My arms that were already wrapped around Edward's neck tightened. My head was firmly nestled in between my arm and the crook of Edward's neck. I growled against his smooth skin as her efforts to pull me away from him intensified.

"Let go of the boy, Isabella!"

"Don't you dare let go!" I cried out.

His arms that were beginning to loosen immediately held me in my place like iron claws. Hot tears leaked down my face and stained his shirt. I was so angry I was about to explode. Wat the hell was Renee doing here, anyway? Se didn't even believe in a time before ten in the morning!

"Ms Fowler, that is enough!" Dr Cullen yelled at my mother.

Her nails scraped across my bare skin as she let go of me. I didn't have to look at her to know the expression on her face. She would be manifesting all her hate in murderous waves and shooting them directly at poor Dr Cullen. Edward stroked my hair soothingly and he was shaking slightly.

Oh god. This must be really freaking him out. I felt terrible. This was all just terrible. I sobbed, not crying for myself, but for Edward. I'm so proud of him for not breaking already. He hated confrontation.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I kept whispering to him. He kissed the top of my head, his way of telling me that it was okay.

"Your daughter just had a severe panic attack not even five minutes ago. The last thing she or Edward needs is for you to be causing a scene! Need I remind you of your actions yesterday? You caused Edward to have a panic attack because you didn't _think_! I will not risk my patient's welfare because you are overemotional and irrational!"

"If she had a panic attack, why is she in the arms of that boy? I have every right to report you!"

"_That boy_ is the reason she is okay right now, but she won't be for much longer if you keep doing what you're doing, Ms Fowler. In relation to reporting me, I cannot stop you. But let me tell you right now that you have no probable cause. There have been no wrong doings here, except for your heinous behavior."

"That is my daughter! How dare you-"

"Mom!" I yelled. I was surprised at the tone of my voice. I didn't sound like the frail and broken Bella everyone knew. I sounded like there was authority and wisdom deep within me. I sounded like a mother speaking to her daughter. The tables were turned for once. "Step back and think about the way you are acting right now. Your behavior is abnormal."

"Abnormal?" She growled at me, stalking toward me swiftly like a predator approaching its prey. I took a deep, shaky breath. The look in her eye was murderous. "You want to talk about abnormal behavior, Isabella Fowler? Fine. Let's talk. How about having an imaginary friend named Alice for eight years? _She is not real, Bella! _How about all of those fucking suicide attempts and self harming incidents? How about being locked up in a fucking loony bin for three years and finding love with another psycho? Don't you dare talk to be about abnormal behavior!"

I tried to stand up and beat the shit out of my mother but Edward held me firmly in my place. Renee's hand was twitching and I knew that she wanted to hit me. Good. Let her. I'd hit the bitch back. I wasn't a child anymore. I wasn't her doormat. I struggled against his iron grip, screaming obscenities at my mother. I had never felt such rage brewing inside of me before. It was stronger than anger. It was pure hate.

Alice's words were ringing loudly in my mind. They echoed sharply several times.

_She doesn't love you_.

My mother could be a selfish bitch at times, and while we all could be like that at times, she just crossed the line. Her words slapped me repeatedly and with each beat my anger grew stronger and stronger. I thought I was seeing red. Maybe I was. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to beat her like the way her words were beating me. I wanted her to bleed and suffer.

"Fuck off, you stupid bitch!" Renee froze in place and looked at me with wide eyes. "Don't you ever talk about Edward that way! How dare you just turn up and create a whirlwind of destruction! You always fucking do that! You are selfish and egotistical, Renee. I may have taken this in the past, but I sure as hell won't when you bring someone like Edward into the equation. Get the hell out of here and don't come back!"

She put her hand over her heart. Her large diamond engagement ring sparkled against the Seattle sky.

I wanted to break her damn fingers off.

"You don't mean that, Bella. I'm just worried about you! You know I am, baby girl!"

"Do I?"

"How could you say such hateful things to me? Your own mother!" Tears rimmed her eyes, glistening much like her diamond rock. I shook my head, not wanting to speak to her anymore. She as one to talk about hateful words. I could handle her criticism. It was not the first time she pointed out my many flaws so bluntly, but I would not sit around and let her talk such filth about Edward. She had no right.

"Would you like Ms Fowler to leave, Isabella?"

"Yes."

"Bella, baby, please don't do this. I only reacted like that because I love you."

_She doesn't love you_.

"Come back later, mom." I mumbled. She put her head in her hands and wept. All my anger dissipated as soon as I watched my mother fall apart before my eyes. God, did I feel guilty at that moment. I asked Edward to let me go and he did once he saw that I had calmed down. I took her in my arms and she cried for several minutes. I told her I was sorry and I didn't mean what I said. She eventually wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. I placed my chin on the top of her head, a reminder that whoever my father was, I inherited his height.

"Come back later, mom." I repeated to her.

"I have never seen you show so much emotion before, Isabella. Yet whenever your mother is around, that's when I see sparks flying from you." Dr Cullen's voice brought me back into the small diner we were in. I blinked a few times, trying to refocus.

"You tend to over analyze everything I do, Dr Cullen."

"Call me Carlisle, Isabella. I've asked you to call me that several times." I grinned innocently at my psychiatrist. I bounced between 'Carlisle' and 'Dr Cullen' constantly. It pissed him off. I found it amusing. "Or maybe I pick up things you try not to let others see. That, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't analyze you."

I tried not to smile when I noticed that Dr Cullen didn't give me back my cigarette, but kept bumming drag every few seconds. My finger strummed against the coffee table.

"I really thought I was going to hurt her, Carlisle. I _wanted_ to hurt her. I've never wanted to harm someone before. It was overwhelming." I glanced at the dining area, suddenly feeling very hungry. I was missing lunch at the ward for this session with Dr Cullen. He wanted to pick at my brain about this morning's events. I just wanted to sleep and forget today's events with Renee ever happened.

"Would you like me to get you some lunch?" He read my mind. I nodded my head and he asked me what I felt like. When I told him to surprise me, he left the table laughing. During his absence I looked at my coffee cup, just thinking about today's events. Would I really have hurt Renee had I had the chance? No. I could never inflict pain on another person. I wasn't one to act on hate. So much had happened in such a short space of time it made my head spin. The chair across from me scraped with pressure and I was amazed at how quick he had gotten my food. I looked up and the words died in my throat.

I blinked once, twice, three times before I could think properly again.

Alice was staring at me blankly, her face void of all emotion. Her baggy white shirt was stained with blood, her hair an absolute mess. What the hell happened to her?

"My god! Are you all right?" I whispered to her. Her grey eyes met mine. I could see a storm brewing within her irises. The calm before the storm, as they say. I could feel the empty contents of my stomach raising in my throat. What the hell happened to her?

"Alice, honey, what happened to you?" My hand slid across the table and she vanished before I could reach her. Her hands were firm on my shoulders. She made me sit straight. Her hands had dried blood on them. I tried to shake her hands away, but she held me firmly in place.

"You should have killed her, Bee. You should have made her suffer for everything she has done to you over the years." Her voice, much like her facial express was dull and lifeless. I shivered. What was happening? "Don't think that I didn't sense the hate that pulsated through your veins. You liked it, didn't you? I know you did."

"I could never hurt Renee."

"But you wanted to. You'd love to slit that bitch's throat from ear to ear, right?"

"No!" I gasped.

Alice's empty laugh scared me. Everything about her scared me right now. She was now sitting on my table, her feet on my thighs. I smelt death on her, the smell of fire and brimstone. Her eyes were now flaming crimson.

I stood up, sending my chair flying. It collided against the floor loudly. "What has happened to you? Where's my Alice? The one who wouldn't harm a fly?" I whispered quietly, afraid to speak any louder.

"Kill her." Alice ordered me. "You know it has to be done for you to be free."

"No!" I screamed.

"Isabella?" Carlisle was standing by my side with my tray of food. I didn't look away from Alice's red eyes as he placed the tray on the table. She was standing next to him now, looking at him with her void eyes. Alice had never told me to hurt anyone before. She never had red eyes. She never looked so _evil_.

And she never stayed when there was another person with me.

"Is she here? Is Alice here?"

"You can tell that scumbag my name isn't Alice." She told me dully. My mouth was flapping open like a fish. My heart was hammering. I placed my shaking hands over my mouth to muffle my scream. Hot tears leaked from my eyes.

"Who are you?" I asked her.

"Malice." She said. "Lucky that girl's name was Alice, right? Seems to blend in perfectly, don't you think? It's almost laughable that _she_ came up with this name for me."

"What have you done with her?"

"I believe the question is, what have _you_ done to her to make her the way she is right now? What has happened to make your vision of Alice change into Malice?"

"Oh my god..."

Where was Alice? What had I done to her? I gagged, my eyes watering.

Alice was my best friend. She protected me. She loved me dearly. This was just another part of her... A part that I was so afraid of. I let out a shaky breath. _Malice_ was playing with a knife that was stained with blood. The tip of the blade was making the tip of her finger bleed as she twirled the blade around. She looked transfixed at the sight of her own blood.

"Bella, tell me what you see." Dr Cullen said to me quietly. He was now looking where Malice was sitting, but obviously couldn't see her. Of course he couldn't. This was all in my fucking psychotic mind. Renee was right. Everything she said was right. Her head shot up and she looked at me with her ruby eyes.

"Kill her." She said to me as she vanished.

* * *

Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into days. Days turned into weeks. Before I knew it, snow was falling heavily, the sun rarely making an appearance. Not that I would welcome it, anyway. The winter cold seemed to blend in perfectly with my mood lately.

Edward and I fell into a familiar and comfortable routine. Every moment we were together we were attached at the hip. He would always hold my hand or hug me if he sensed that I was feeling down. I would do the same for him. Although it seems to be all the time for me. But in my own way, I knew he'd do anything for me.

God knows that I would do anything for him.

I put my legs in Edward's lap, and he smirked that seductive smirk at me. I blushed, shaking my head, looking down. His hand that wasn't holding a book was stroking my leg absentmindedly. It gave me goosebumps, even though I was fully clothed.

I found myself talking less and less the more that Malice turned up. Whenever I would want to talk about what she had been telling me to do, she would appear before me with her vacant red eyes. It would make me freeze in place. I was too afraid to speak the words – that my condition was becoming worse.

In the past few weeks I have come to realize that there really was something wrong with me – with my mind. I knew it had to stop, but how would I even go about it when I was too afraid to speak the words to anyone?

Dr Cullen was worried about me. He never spoke the words but I could see it in his eyes. I wanted to tell him but I was so frightened. I honestly was. Even Edward would look at me with concern when he thought I wasn't looking. I was withdrawing deeper and deeper into myself, to parts I never knew existed. It was a terrible place I wanted to get away from.

The nurses were bringing out boxes of Christmas decorations. Had three months already flown by?

I flipped through a trashy romance novel, trying to look at anyone, in particular, Malice, who was kneeling right in front of Edward. Her eyes were boring into his face and I was scared that she was going to tell me to hurt him soon. The only plus side to the whole Malice situation was that she only wanted me to harm Renee. He had his arm around me as he read through _Fight Club, _oblivious to my imaginary enemy staring at him. His other hand slowly moved up my leg toward my knee. I leaned into him and closed my eyes.

I missed Alice. I missed her so much I cried at night, screaming out for her. Night was worst for me now. Malice was always there, always watching me. I begged for a torch or any form of light in my room. After having the worst panic attack I ever had, I nearly got sent to the E.R. It took an event like that to grant my wish. She kept telling me kill Renee. I would never hurt her and it only infuriated her further. She snapped at me just weeks before, telling me that until I killed Renee, I would be pathetic and useless.

She was right. My mind really is my worst enemy.

"All you gotta do is steal a knife from one of your meals. And next time you see her, stab the bitch in the chest. It's really quite simple."

I shook my head, refusing to speak to her.

"You are fucking pathetic! I can't even stand being around you right now! I hope you fucking kill yourself. You hear me? You're not even worth the air that you breathe!"

I knew she was gone then. That's how our routine usually played out. I waited several minutes before I started to weep. Edward pulled me closer to him, taking a sharp breath as he watched my shoulders shaking violently. I dropped the book I was holding and held onto my almost boyfriend for dear life.

Why was she now this lifeless, evil presence that lingered in my mind? What had happened to make the innocence fade away into oblivion?

I couldn't escape it. Maybe I _should_ just kill myself.

I knew that suicide was the ultimate form of selfishness, and it was far worse than anything that Renee would ever do to me, but my best friend was on my mind. If I killed myself, she'd be free too. She wouldn't be Malice. It was the only thing that would bring us both peace. It was the only way that I could be with the _real_ Alice again. My tears ceased and I couldn't help but smile. I pulled away from Edward and really looked at him.

He was speaking to me with his eyes, asking me if I was okay. I nodded my head, closing my eyes as his lips found mine.

I knew in that moment I was in love with Edward.

I didn't want to be without him, but deep down I knew that this couldn't last. Nothing ever does. I didn't deserve him. He was recovering and I was stepping backward with every single day that passed. I leaned closer to him and brushed my lips against his again. His lips parted and we slowly kissed, blocking out the outside world.

He cupped his hand with my cheek, stroking it with his thumb softly. His hands were so soft, just like his lips. I was scared of never looking into his light green eyes again. But I had to do this. I had to.

"I'll be back later." I told him quietly once we pulled away from each other. His cheeks were flustered and his lips were shining. His eyes were now a dark green. My heart skipped a beat.

"I love you, Edward."

I picked up my cup of water and walked away from him before I could see the look in his eyes. Malice was by my side, looking at me curiously. I quickly swallowed the rest of my water and smashed the plastic cup against the wall several times. I bent down, pocketing the shards before someone came in wondering what I was doing. I shrugged out of my thick sweater that I was wearing and now remained in my white singlet.

I didn't bother to look outside for the last time. There was no point in writing letters to anyone. No one would miss me.

I rummaged through my drawers until I found my large black over sized cardigan. I walked out of my room and toward the bathroom. I felt like everything was in perfect clarity. I was focused and completely determined. I was pissed off at Malice for taking Alice away from me. I was angry at her for making me leave Edward.

I was consumed in fury.

I locked the door and stared at the mirror. Malice was standing by my side, staring at me through the glass. Her black hair was tied in a bun. She looked sick. Her eyes were flicking between the grey I loved and the red I loathed. Her white shirt that hung on her loosely was now dripping with fresh blood.

As I pulled out the shard of plastic her eyes were blazing red. She was looking at me blankly.

"Bee, don't!" The melodic voice told me. I looked up and saw Alice. In another blink, she was back to the red eyed devil. I dug the shard into my wrist as hard as I could, not moving it just yet. Drips of blood were already falling against my black jeans. My eyes watered from the pain.

_Alice and Malice are fighting each other right now_, I thought to myself. _You need to end this. Now. _

"Do it." The lifeless voice told me. "You deserve death."

"No, don't do this, Bee!"

"Get the fuck out! You don't belong here!"

"You get your wish, you bitch." I hissed at her as I dragged the shard across my wrist.


	5. Chapter 4: Heartbeats

_A/N: This chapter is dedicated to the lovely Jen, aka **misstiggy**_, _for fixing all of my charming, confusing errors_. _Review, review, review! Pretty please :D  
PS - We're officially at the halfway mark for this story. Plenty of pandemonium ahead, folks! Don't bail on me now ;)  
_

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
**_Chapter Song: Heartbeats by Jose Gonzales (The Knife cover)_

_

* * *

"If only there were a longer time between epiphany and epitaph."_

_- David Glaser_

_

* * *

_

**Carlisle POV:**

Normally by this time I would be well on my way to Seattle Hospital, but I was worried out of my mind. I paced around the bedroom like a man possessed, urging the clock to tick just that little bit faster. Sweat was trickling down my temple slowly, eventually soaking through the fabric of my pinstriped shirt and clinging to me like a second skin. I quickly peeled off my jacket at an attempt of cooling myself off. It was now ten am, and my first appointment was in two hours. I would have to cancel and reschedule. It was a three hour drive to Seattle. There was no way I could leave my wife in our bathroom, alone and sick. I couldn't help but groan at the mental image of her frail figure pressed up against the porcelain toilet bowl, expelling whatever fluid her petite body was holding on to.

I knocked on my bathroom door, frantic now. I almost even considered smoking a cigarette to calm my nerves. A filthy habit that you'd think a doctor would know better to than to indulge in, but I digress. Sometimes only a smoke can cure the stresses in life. I live by that motto. My wife had been in there for nearly two hours. Every time I pressed my ear to the door, I could hear either running water or the sounds of her throwing up. She wouldn't let me go in to check on her, and that made me more worried. She had been so under the weather lately as it was. I got the hint after the twentieth time I knocked on the door that she wasn't going to let me in.

"Shit," I glanced at my clock, well aware that I would be late to Seattle by now. I was about to pull out my phone to cancel my day when the door flew open.

"Esme, honey, what's-"

The words stopped dead in my throat when I caught sight of her face. She was grinning from ear to ear, her caramel eyes wide and ecstatic. Her hair was a beautiful mess, and I was reminded of a haystack. Her skin was pasty and shining from a thin sheen of sweat. _So beautiful_. I was expecting her to pass out in front of me, but here she was with a beautiful smile on her face. Not usually the sight I see when someone's under the weather.

"Honey, are you okay?" I sounded...unsure. Definitely felt that way, too.

"I am over the moon! Blissful! Ecstatic!" Her excited voice told me in a near scream. Relief washed over me. She was okay. There was nothing to worry about. I followed her down the stairs into the kitchen. She pulled own pans, wooden spoons and a mixing bowl. Her body was deep in the fridge when I started speaking again.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on, sweetheart?"

She plopped blueberries on the table and poured them into the bowl. She was smiling as she was mixing the pancake batter together with ease. She was even whistling! I stared at Esme seriously, worried for her sanity. I was missing something vitally important here, and she wasn't telling me.

"For a doctor, you're utterly clueless, my love." She said. She pulled out something from her hand and waved it in front of my face. She was smiling the entire time.

"I'd like to quickly examine you before I leave just in case some…" My eyes zeroed in on an object in her hand that was very, very important. I was trying not to get my hopes up. It all made sense now!

I gasped. "Is that...?"

"It is."

"And you are sure?"

"Yes! It's finally happening!"

She nodded her head furiously, almost jumping up and down from excitement. I pulled her into my arms and we cried together. This was the moment we were waiting for for almost five years. I felt completely...blissful, grateful, ecstatic. Emotions she mentioned, and more of my own. This had to be one of the happiest moments of my life. She threw the thin stick away from her hands, her eyes rimmed with tears.

_We're pregnant. We're going to be having our first child together._

I pulled my beautiful, pregnant wife into my arms. I poured all of the love and joy I was feeling into each kiss I planted on her skin. We basked in this surreal, euphoric feeling. We were blessed. This was a miracle!

We had been trying for so long, we almost gave up hope. Esme was turning forty this year and I was thirty seven, so the clock had been ticking. We came across many obstacles and hurdles. This was all worth it, for this feeling. We were considering adoption somewhere in the near future, slightly discouraged, but still hopeful. It didn't matter if the child had our blood or not, we eventually decided. As long as we can care for a life, we were happy. Blood meant nothing in the end. They would still be part of our family and treated no differently. But this...this was a blessing! A miracle! I thanked my lucky stars for such an unexpected gift.

"Did you want to run a blood test just to be sure?" I asked my beautiful wife. She grinned and snuggled into my chest.

"Stop being a doctor for just one second, and enjoy this, okay?" We laughed, floating on a cloud we didn't want to come back down from. This made up for all of the devastation I had been feeling these past few weeks. I'm sure she felt the same. "We're going to have _our_ baby... I have names planned out already, you know."

I smiled against the top of her head, kissing it tenderly.

"Oh really now?"

"Oh, yes. But we'll talk about this once I get home. You have to go to Seattle today."

She focused her attention back to the pancakes, muttering something about craving chocolate chips with them.

I groaned and quickly continued getting ready, before leaving. I wanted to turn my car around after each meter that tore me further apart from my lifeline. I sped through the winding streets of Forks while on the phone to the hospital. After quickly filling them in on the news (and a large cheer of congratulations from every single employee in the ward), my appointments were rescheduled for later in the day. I was buzzing from a high I didn't want to come down from.

Unfortunately that feeling left as soon as I heard police sirens behind me.

"Shit!" I growled, quickly pulling over. There was a quick tap at my window and as soon as I saw who it was, I started laughing. I wound down the window and greeted one of my best friends.

"Charlie, my man! Good to see you!"

Charlie's deep rumbling voice bellowed in laughter. He leaned against my car, gazing at me through aviator sunglasses. I always made fun of him, living up to the police stereotype – mustaches and aviators. He told me to fuck off. Sharp tongue, he had.

"Didn't recognize your car for a minute, buddy. You know you're speeding, right?"

"Sorry, late for work. Heading into Seattle today."

He feigned surprise. The little shit. "Carlisle? Late? My, oh my." We both laughed, chatting about nonsense for several minutes. That's when I spilled the beans on Esme's pregnancy. He clapped me on the shoulder, congratulating me – but there was something hidden in his eyes. He looked troubled.

"What's bothering you, friend?" I asked him seriously. Not a lot bothered Charlie Swan, but whenever it did, it was something serious and something that was worth the worry. He may look like a tough nut, but he was a big soft touched. Esme absolutely adored him. She was even trying to play matchmaker for several years, and finally succeeded when she introduced Sue Clearwater to him. They were now married and extremely happy.

"Nothin', don't be stupid." He mumbled. I stared at him, not blinking for well over a minute. I knew that he would cave in a minute. He always did. Part of my job is to know when someone is lying to you. He was a terrible liar, regardless. But I had a feeling I knew what was troubling him. I saw it in his eyes every time he saw a child.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on, Charlie?"

"Ahem. I'm sorry. Shit. All this pregnancy talk reminds me of her, you know?"

I nodded my head sympathetically. I heard of his lost daughter, only verbally. Selected stories here and there. I didn't even know her name. He refused to speak of his ex wife, anger filling his eyes every time something reminded him of her. It pained Charlie to talk about the daughter he never got to raise. He still loved her to pieces, and was looking for her to this very day. He even saw the mother on the street randomly one day in Chicago, and she refused to let him see her. She vanished before he could sue for visitation rights. I got out of my car and really looked at my best friend. Even through his glasses I could see the torment plastered all over his face. If there was any way to help him, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

"Are you still trying to find her?"

"Every day, Carlisle, every day. I still have her baby boots...the only reminder I have besides one photograph I own. I wonder what she looks like. She looked like me when she was a baby."

"Will you let me help you find her?"

"I think I'm getting to that point, mate."

"Well send me the details when you can, okay? Fax it, email it, whatever, through to the office today and I'll have a look while I'm there. Sorry to jet but I'm already nearly three hours late."

Charlie grinned, a small burden lifted from his shoulders. He told me to send a hug to Esme if he doesn't see her first. I promised I would.

* * *

My first appointment today was with Edward Masen.

I had been seeing Edward since he was nine years old. A young boy who held too much torment between his eyes and was far too mature for his age. He was originally referred to me once he developed selective mutism; a condition in which a child does not speak by choice, although has normal intellect for his age. I stuck with him over the years, not because I had to, but because I really _wanted_ to. I wanted to see Edward get better, and help him overcome his disorders. I knew he was destined for amazing things. He was now twenty two. He had such a troubling upbringing, and if it weren't for those patient/doctor confidentially forms I would have brought up the concept of adoption to him. My wife, Esme, has met him on several occasions through her own line of work, and she adores him. Edward was the son I never had and it saddened me that we had to meet under these circumstances. I had seen him grow so much in the past year, speaking his first words to me three weeks ago.

The look of astonishment and joy on his face when he spoke those first words was something I would never forget.

Edward suffered from many psychiatric disorders, including selective mutism (a condition that developed when he was nine and progressed into something much more serious), agoraphobia and severe depression, along with anxiety.

In recent months, he has only had two panic attacks, he can sit in group sessions without feeling extremely uncomfortable and he can even manage to have physical contact with select people. His progression was a blessing. I had never seen him happier until two weeks ago.

We both had laptops placed on our laps, our form of communication when Edward did not feel comfortable with talking to me. In recent weeks he could occasionally answer a question aloud, and I was so proud of him. I was not going to push him into speaking more often now the silence was broken, because that would only force him back into his shell.

We both signed onto instant messenger and I stared at Edward. He looked tired today. I sunk back into my seat, not saying a word, but typing into the messenger box on the computer. I knew Edward enough to know that now was not the time to pressure him into speaking. He needed the silence and I would grant him it for now.

_**Carlisle: **__You look troubled, son. How have you been? Have your moods still been stable? I haven't seen you in a few days._

Edward stared at the screen, re-reading my words several times before his fingers lightly tapped against the keys. His eyebrows were locked in a serious way. He was gnawing at his lip, thinking of the words to say. Edward was the type of man to think about every word that he would type/speak before they came out of his mouth. He yawned and leaned back into the seat once he finished typing, closing his eyes. He tilted his head up to the ceiling, trying to calm himself down. He was extremely tense right now. I feared that this tension would turn into a panic attack.

_**Edward: **__I've been worried about Bella. She's deteriorating before my eyes. I don't know what to do._

He quickly added,

_As stable as I can be, but I'm not sure it will last much longer_**.**

"Can you tell me what's been happening to make you feel unstable, Edward? Has Bella said something to you?" I asked him in a soothing voice. I wanted to make him feel as relaxed as possible.

I was extremely aware of what he was talking about, but I needed to ask. After all of our progress, she had slipped back into her shell, deeper than before. After that moment we were in the cafeteria, her whole demeanor had changed. I watched her talk to Alice, scared to death of what she was seeing. She barely spoke a word to anyone, unless she absolutely had to. Whenever I would bring up Alice, her eyes would dart around the room in fear, like someone was watching or hearing her. I was worried about her. Her well being may be at serious risk very soon. I had been trying to contact Renee, but had been unsuccessful.

I was also extremely aware of Edward and Bella's rapidly progressing relationship. Although it should have worried me that they were forming a bond so quickly, I was secretly thrilled. Their eyes lit up when they would see each other, and they were practically attached at the hip. They had a fierce protection for one another and knew how to calm each other down when needed. For a while I thought that their relationship was helping with the progression of recovery. I wasn't quite sure now due to new revelations.

"She...s-she..." Edward stuttered on his words, but quickly shut his mouth. He shook his head, frustrated and hammered away at the keys. I continued to stare at Edward until he finished typing.

_**Edward: **__She hasn't said anything to me at all, really. Until today. She was acting strange. She told me she loved me and I haven't seen her since. That was half an hour ago. I think this all has to do with the voices she has been hearing. Alice, I think her name is._

All I could do was nod my head, not able to divulge in Bella's details due to confidentiality laws. I knew love when I saw it, but I was worried about Bella. I hadn't seen her when I walked past her room, either. "And this is why your resolve has been wavered?"

A ringing noise sounded from the fax machine behind me, making Edward jump slightly. His fists were balled and his breathing was shallow. He was breaking out into a sweat. _Not good. This is not good._ I put down my laptop and pulled my seat closer to him. I leaned in, making sure he was listening to every word I said to him.

"Son, are you going to have a panic attack?"

"I t-think...so." He whispered.

For several minutes, I helped him with his breathing, using a different form of cognitive behavioral therapy than I normally would. This one in particular was called visualization, a technique used to make the distressed patient focus on safe environments to calm their moods down. The main focus was to make Edward relax. "Now take in a deep breath," I said to him in my most calming voice. "Feel the grass underneath your toes, the sun warming your skin. Exhale." He exhaled; his shoulders and muscles relaxing. "You're doing very well, son. Now inhale deeply again, listen to the sound of the wind rustling against the trees. It's very soothing isn't it?"

Edward was beginning to sway, his muscles slightly relaxing. We weren't out of the woods yet, but we were well on our way. "Now exhale, son. That's it. Imagine smelling the flowers, and their scent lingering on your nose. There are birds singing and the sound of the ocean in the distance. Now, exhale."

Edward's chest was now rising and falling at a normal rate now. It was time to wrap things up. "One last time, inhale. Picture someone beside you. Bella, perhaps? You're walking with her, hand in hand in this meadow, taking in the sights around you. Just keep focusing on taking your surroundings in and...exhale."

He relaxed against the couch and I patted his shoulder in triumph. Once again, I was amazed at how far Edward had come throughout the years. If he continued at the rate he was at right now, he could be out of here in a year or two.

"Do you want to keep using the laptops today?"

He shook his head no, instead looking back to the fax machine. He sighed and looked at me sadly.

"I... I want to go look for her...for Bella if...y-you...don't mind." I nodded my head, smiling, ushering him out of the room minutes later. He spoke more words to me today than the last few appointments. This was definitely a progression and I was ecstatic. My thoughts wandered back to Bella and I glanced at the time. I had an appointment with her later on today, in an hour. I would pick at her brain then. Hopefully she would be feeling a little better and willing to talk about what has been bothering her lately.

I walked over to the fax machine, picking up the papers. I scowled at the thick bundle. I hated it when paper was wasted for pointless faxes. I assumed it was just another case file that was faxed through. What the hell was the point when I would be receiving the physical file soon and reading the cover page. I was greeted with terrible, rushed handwriting.

_Carlisle,_

_As we discussed, here is all the information I have about my daughter. It's quite a hefty pile and for that, I apologize. I know how much you hate paper waste. I tried to email all this, but gave up when the scanner froze. You know how I am with technology. Bugger it all, I say._

_My daughter should be eighteen now and I really don't know what she'd look like. I don't have a clue about where she is and what she would be doing with her life. Last time I saw her, sixteen years ago, she looked a lot like me. Who knows now. I have enclosed a picture (page 1) of her, the only one I have._

_You're my last hope. I've lost too much time with her. I'm starting to give up hope._

_Call me when you have read through this. Knowing you, you'll be dissecting the shit out of every letter __and__ form I have given you. I wouldn't expect anything less from you._

_I'll probably head over tonight for dinner. Esme called me to tell me the news. She was pretty peeved that you blabbed__ before she could __tell me__. She also said something bout blueberry and choc chip pancakes and eating a tub of peanut butter._

_Thank you again for your help. I hope we can find her._

_Charlie._

I chuckled at his mentioning my wife's cravings and sat by my desk to read through the thirty plus pages Charlie sent me. I sipped on my now cold coffee and thought about my session with Edward, quickly scribbling down notes that I could add to the file later on. I was far too intrigued with finding out more about the daughter Charlie didn't get to raise. I wanted to help find her desperately.

My hands froze at just page one, the yellow fax paper floating down to my desk. My blood ran cold in my veins.

I was staring down at the grainy photograph Charlie sent to me of his unknown daughter. She was staring up at the camera, a toothy, happy grin. She was still missing some teeth, but had many already. She couldn't be any older than two years old when this was taken, for she still had cherub features. She had stained red cheeks and wavy short brown hair. Her eyes were a light brown, like milk chocolate. I was amazed at the depth of serenity the young child exuded. She was reaching out for whoever took the photo, presumably her father. I knew what Charlie must have felt every time he looked at this photograph.

"It can't be," I exclaimed, ruffling through the many pages of documents until I found what I was looking for. I stared at the birth certificate, completely dumbfounded with this new discovery. My eyes re-read the same stand out points over and over until my head was swimming. I prayed my instincts, that were screaming at me now, were wrong. Because if they were right, there was hell on the horizon.

**Child's Name: **_Isabella Marie Swan_

**Date of Birth: **_September 13, 1987_

**Mother's Maiden Name: **_Renee Alexandra Higgenbotham_

**Father's Name: **_Charles Swan_

This is too much of a coincidence. It can't be! I ran toward the filing cabinet with lightning speed, pulling out one of many keys to unlock patient files. I fumbled with the keys, cursing at how badly my hands were shaking. I couldn't open the damn filing cabinet! After several failed attempts I quickly pulled out Isabella Fowler's file and sat by the desk, slowly reading through every single detail of her file. I don't know how long I sat there for, consumed by this instinct. I pulled out the birth certificate and compared it to the one Charlie sent me.

**Child's Name: **_Isabella Marie Fowler_

**Date of Birth:**_September 13, 1987_

**Mother's Maiden Name: **_Renee Marie Fowler_

**Father's Name: **_Not applicable_

I felt like someone punched me square in the jaw. This _had_ to be Charlie's daughter. Something was very, very wrong with this entire situation. I couldn't believe that I hadn't picked up on it sooner! I knew there was something about Bella that screamed familiarity. I saw it every time she blushed or stuttered when she was nervous – traits she picked up from her father. She even looked like him! I wasn't doing my job properly! How much more had I missed? What on earth was Renee Fowler, or whatever she called herself capable of? I dropped the file from my hands, the revelation hitting me full force.

_How could you have missed this? How? You stupid, foolish man!_

I ran from the door and straight toward Bella's room, files momentarily forgotten. She was now thirty minutes late for our appointment. She was my top priority right now; and she was in grave danger.


	6. Chapter 5 P1: A Million Reasons

_A/N: This chapter is split into two parts. I tried to make it all one big chapter, but it just didn't feel right. Hope there's no confusion here and if there is, feel free to PM me. Things are about to get even more hectic for our little Bella. A masssssiiivvveee thanks to Jen for fixing this all up for me. You're my hero._

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Chapter 5 (Part I): **_There Are A Million Reasons for Why This May Not Work..._

_Chapter Songs:_

_Part I: There Are A Million Reasons for Why This May Not Work...And Just One Good One for Why It Will by Moneen  
Part II: We Are The People by Empire of the Sun_

* * *

_"If practice makes perfect, and no one's perfect, then why practice?"_

_- Billy Corgan_

* * *

**Edward POV:**

I stood outside my room, staring in at nothing in particular. My thoughts were in absolute shambles and I found it hard to focus on anything for more than ten seconds without my head feeling like it would split in two. I had one hell of a motherfucking migraine right now, and it wouldn't seem to piss off. I was drained, both emotionally and physically from my session with Carlisle. I tapped the door frame absent-mindedly, recapping the past few weeks in a matter of seconds.

I spoke my first words to Carlisle just weeks ago for the first time in thirteen years. I was so shocked at the sound of my own voice, I nearly fell out of my seat. I guess if the circumstances weren't so significant, it would have been comical. How could a voice that was your own sound for foreign? So...alien? Although I only said two words at the time, Carlisle was overjoyed. You'd think that I flew to the moon or some shit. He said that my progression over the past few weeks had been astounding. I didn't want to disappoint him in any way, so I kept trying, even though I hated the sound of my voice. It reminded me of fingernails against a chalkboard.

"Have you thought about talking to Bella?" He asked me a few days ago. I remember his intense stare, his professional face colliding with his fatherly nature. I groaned and got up and started to pace. "I'm sure that there's a lot you want to say to her, son. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe she is the main reason you have taken the initiative in forcing yourself to speak with me for the first time."

"I want to." Was I all said to him.

He was always right. And fuck, does he know it. There were words that I wanted to say to Bella, but every time I tried since that day, the words would die in my throat when she looked into my eyes. She never once pushed me to speak, and it made me feel worse. So I did what I could to show her I cared for her in any other form or shape. I held her when she cried, showed her with my eyes what I wished I could be speaking, and did stupid things like bring her flowers (that I steal from the hospital lobby when I'm allowed out for smokes) for no reason in particular. It always brought a smile her face that made my heart fucking hurt. She was so tortured and broken, I didn't know how to fix her. How can you fix someone when you're just as broken?

When she told me that she loved me, I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. I was beyond happy, but then without another glance or word, she walked away. I ended up just staring at her in shock. I wanted her to know that I fell in love with her the moment I saw her walking to our dining table months ago. It was something out of a cheesy romantic movie, I swear. I had tunnel vision. All I could see or focus on was this 5'7 angel; the way her chestnut brown hair hung over her face and how she dragged her feet with each step she took. The color of her eyes, how dark they were at the time. I quickly learnt that her cheeks were almost always stained pink, something that just made her _glow_. I knew she had problems. We all did, otherwise we wouldn't be in this place. But I just _knew_ that she was my life now and I had to do every thing in my power to protect her.

I had a purpose in life again, and it was to save Isabella.

I swore as a my short finger nail snapped against the metal door. I glared at every object that was in my room like it were a piece shit under my shoe. I hated this room; _my room_. If that's what you wanted to call it. It was just a damn room. There were no hints of anything to give away who I was as a person, things things I loved, personal touches. No, all there was in here was a single hospital bed, a drawer and a closet for my clothes.

In reality, all this room was, was limbo. A room that either made you or broke you. You would either respond to treatment and eventually leave, and the next patient would take your place, unaware of the thoughts and fears that you went through in the same room. Or you were here for life, or until you ended it. In most cases, patients felt more depressed _being_ here than when they were outside of the hospital. I honestly don't blame people wanting to kill themselves, I've heard the screams that rumble from their chests and out of their throats each and every night.

If you don't die from the depression, you'd probably die from boredom.

After walking to Bella's room and finding that she wasn't there, I was at a loss. Where on earth was she? Did I walk past her without noticing? No, that couldn't be possible. We have this unique connection; kind of like a magnet pull every time we are within close proximity of each other. It had to be something else. Maybe she was in with Carlisle now? I didn't think that was it, either. All I knew was that I had to find her _now_. My gut was telling me something was wrong with her.

My feet walked straight toward the recreational room, where a sewing class was on.

_Fucking ridiculous. Who the hell comes here to sew?_

I understood the other classes like painting or even just sitting there watching the idiot box, but _sewing_? What genius thought of letting mental patients come in contact with needles, scissors and the rest of the paraphernalia. Are those fucking pieces of fabric meant to be us, and the stitch work, the mending process? Is that meant to be us sewing our broken souls back together? Talk about fucking stupid.

Walking past the bathroom I slammed into a body, almost knocking the person to the ground.

"Fuck! I'm sorry, I should really look where-" I put my finger of Bella's lips to stop her from talking. My wide eyes took in her frail appearance. She looked like a damn train wreck.

She was swaying from side to side, her arms wrapped around her. It was almost if she was trying to hold herself together.

_I don't remember her owning a red singlet. _

She was shivering and sweating. Her hair was in a messy bun above her head and her eyes were drooping.

_She's going to pass out. _

She looked as pale as a ghost. I looked down at her hands and froze at what I saw.

That wasn't a red singlet – it was her blood!

"Oh god," She gasped, noticing where I was looking. "Please don't say anything about this to anyone, Edward. Oh god, oh god I... I..."

She fell into my arms, not able to stand on her own any more. Her cries were muffled against my chest. I felt hot tears and blood for her singlet soaking through my shirt. I glanced around the hallway, thankful that it was currently isolated. A rare thing. I scooped her in my arms bridal style and jogged to her room which was thankfully right next to where I bumped into her. She leaned into my chest, mumbling something I couldn't understand. Her head was against my chest the entire time, listening to my heartbeat.

I put her down on her bed and turned to walk away. Her hand shot to my arm weakly and she whispered, "Please don't leave me."

I held a finger up to her, telling her I'll be back in a minute. I ran to my room with lightning speed, heading straight for my drawer. I pulled out gauzes, bandages and antiseptic cream. No one here knew I had these things, if I were being honest... I stole 'em from one of the storage rooms years ago. I used to harm myself and covered my tracks well. I hadn't even thought about that shit in a long, long time. I was in the bathroom even faster, filling up a small bowl of water and grabbing a towel that was in the cabinet area.

After I placed everything next to Bella, I took off my jacket and wrapped it around her like a blanket. My eyes shot to the door, afraid that someone will walk in. This was very bad. If Bella's self harm became knowledge to any employee here, she would be placed in isolation for three days. She would be a high risk case. They would call her horrible mother and make her see case workers and shrinks, probably putting her out of Carlisle's care.

_Fix this, Edward. You have to fix this._

It was times like these I wished that I could just communicate without feeling like I was going to die from anxiety. I put my hand in Bella's hair, stroking the smooth strands like they were lace in my hands. She looked so damn scared, her brown eyes wide, but glazed. She must have lost a lot of blood to be like this. I'm going to have to get a doctor to look at her. She can't die. She can't.

I would die if she died.

I pointed to her wrists, asking with body language if I can see the damage. When she didn't respond, I took both hands in mine and turned her hands around slowly. I gasped at how badly she harmed herself. There were so many deep cuts I lost count at thirteen. These weren't superficial wounds. This was a terrible form of self mutilation. She carved words of hate into her delicate, snow white skin and she was still bleeding. I couldn't treat these wounds. I would have to find a doctor. They needed stitching urgently. I looked at her, _really _looked at her. I didn't realize I was crying until her shaking fingers crusted with dry blood wiped away my tears. She kept whispering she was sorry that it had to be me to find her like this.

How could this beautiful angel hate herself so much? What had she deserved in this life to be the way she is now? I couldn't fathom it.

"Don't you...fucking...d-do this... to me again, Bella!" I growled at her.

I was absolutely furious with Bella now. It all made sense now – the way she was acting earlier. Telling me that she loved me, kissing me the way she did. She fucking _lied to me_. She said she would come back when she knew she wouldn't. She looked me in my damn eyes, and still lied without hesitation. She was going to fucking leave me! Leave everything behind!

I understood the concept of suicide, but that didn't mean I found it any less selfish.

"You...you just spoke!" She gasped.

I sighed and sat next to her on the hospital bed. She sat up, trying to make life a little easier for me to fix those fucking hate wounds. I put one of her wrists on my thigh and grabbed the towel and bowl of water. I washed her wounds in silence, her eyes burning holes in my head. Each word she carved into her skin was more vibrant and clear once I cleaned most of the dry blood away. I had to look out the window for a moment, but each time I closed my eyes there were etched to my eyelids.

"Please... Please don't stop talking to me..."

I didn't look up as I started rubbing antiseptic cream on her wounds. I absent-mindedly wondered if she had a tetanus shot recently.

"What would you like me to t-talk about?" I asked her gently, now wrapping bandages on her left wrist. Certain spots immediately flamed crimson. I began to repeat the same process with her right wrist. I wondered whether Carlisle was still here.

"Anything... It's so nice to hear your voice..." She mumbled, sounding like she was going to fall asleep.

"Jessica Stanley tried to hit on me again today." I said casually. Bella growled jealously, and I couldn't help but laugh. Jessica was a colorful character whom Bella couldn't stand. She always muttered things under her breath whenever she heard Jessica's nasal voice gossiping about dudes she reckons she's fucked. She had tried to come onto me several times, even in front of Bella. Surprisingly, her advances didn't mess with my psyche at all. I found it almost amusing.

"Stupid hoe." She hissed when I rubbed a certain area with cream. It would be stinging like holy hell right now. She was doing so well.

"Don't call someone a hoe," I scolded her playfully. "A hoe is a gardening tool."

Her luscious lips parted widely, her eyes bulging out of her sockets. We both laughed at my stupid comment for several minutes, momentarily forgetting about the serious situation before us. She gripped her hand on my left forearm and my heart skipped a beat, like it always did when she touched me. Her laugh was so infectious and heartfelt. It wasn't something that was faked, like many other mannerisms she pulled in her day to day life. I took a deep breath, still not looking at her.

"I'm pretty pissed off, babe. You lied to me."

Her eyes shot open for a few moments, terror in her eyes. "I would never lie to you." with her spare hand, she pulled my jacket closer to her, desperate for warmth. I told her how I knew she was lying by what she said earlier and she was silent for several moments. Her hand was slipping from my forearm. _Keep her awake!_

"I need you to stay awake f-for me, babe. Can you do that for me?" I rubbed cream into her again and she hissed. I tried not to smile when she spoke again.

"Well how can I not stay awake? That stuff hurts like shit."

I was pretty pleased with myself right now. Here I was, talking to Bella without feeling anxious. It felt as natural as breathing, something that I had always done. I barely stuttered either, which was a bonus.

After I finished the second bandage, I took her hands in mine again. She held onto them tightly, as if trying to see whether this moment was real. She leaned back into the pillows, her eyes fluttering like butterfly wings. I moved closer to her, stroking her pink cheeks. She smiled softly and leaned into my hand. She was cold. Too cold.

"I'm in...quite a quagmire here, Edward..." She whispered.

"You're that horny bastard on Family Guy?" I asked her in disbelief.

She laughed weakly, barely able to shake her head in disagreement. "A dilemma...predicament...I went into that bathroom...with the intention of...ending my life..." She closed her eyes now, but continued to speak slowly. I lay beside her, pulling her in my arms. She immediately wrapped an arm around me and stuck one of her legs in between my own. _I want this moment to last forever_, I kept thinking continuously. We were two fucked up puzzle pieces that just...fit. We belonged together, and the thought of losing her now was breaking my heart in millions of pieces.

She kissed my chest before she continued speaking in a frail voice, "But now I am laying here...with you...and the thought of...leaving you... God, I don't want to leave..."

"Then don't." I pleaded with her. She nodded her head, kissing my neck.

I pulled her tightly to me, wishing we would become one person, wishing I could give her a piece of me to keep her alert and here with me, forever.

"You know...for someone that thinks he's so...fucking smart...and correcting me just...seconds before... you'd think you'd know what a quagmire is..."

I laughed softly, kissing her lips. She smiled against my skin. "I could get used to this." She whispered, her lukewarm breath fanning my skin.

"So could I, babe."

"I'm sleepy, Edward..."

I looked toward the door when I heard it open and my blood ran cold as I saw a figure standing there.

_Carlisle_.

His chest was rising and falling rapidly, like he had been running before he got here. His fingers gripped the door frames, his knuckles bleach white. His eyes were wide as he took in the bloody towel and her bandaged wrists. Bella's back was turned to the door, and even if she was looking, I don't think she really would have _seen _Carlisle. I pleaded with my eyes that he wouldn't give away his presence, and surprisingly he didn't. He just stood there, waiting for my signal.

"You're really talking to me..." Her soft voice said in awe. I chuckled, telling her yes, I was. "Edward?"

"Yes, my love?"

"I didn't lie...about everything, you know..."

"What do you m-mean?"

"I really _do_ love you..."

"I love you too, babe. Go to sleep, okay? I'll be here when you w-wake up." She sighed as I told her for the first time I loved her, and her hands immediately fell limp against my body. I looked at her chest, and although it was slow, she was still breathing. With great reluctance, I untangled myself from Bella and stood next to the bed. Her hands reached for where I was seconds before, trying to search for me in her sleep.

"I can't...I don't k-know...s-she might die, Carlisle." I said to him quietly. I couldn't ignore the panic in my voice. He took my place by Bella's side immediately and looked at the bandages.

"You sterilized her wounds?" He asked me. I whispered a timid yes and he began unwrapping them to inspect the damage. His reaction was much like my own, a sharp intake of breath and stiffening of the muscles. When he looked at me, his eyes were shining from tears threatening to fall.

"These lacerations need to be stitched straight away. She'll probably need a blood transfusion. The damage is...gargantuan. Do you know what instrument she used?"

"No."

Carlisle wasted no time in getting Bella treated.

Bella was unconscious, but stable the entire time she was in the E.R being treated, and well after she was returned to her room. I didn't leave her side unless I absolutely _had_ to. Carlisle was right, she _did_ need a blood transfusion. I stared at the bag of blood and back to my fallen angel. She looked so peaceful and tranquil when she slept. She began to have color kissing her cheeks again. Her wrists were heavily bandaged, but there was no more blood.

I could have stared at Bella like this all day. She wasn't fighting any demons wherever she was now. I wanted to be there with her, somewhere where we were both healthy and not running from these demons we can't seem to escape.

There was a knock at the door before Carlisle walked in. I glanced at the time and looked at him in shock. It was nearly midnight now, he should be home with his wife! He told me he found out today she was pregnant, and he was _here_? What a crazy motherfucker!

"What the fuck are you s-still doing here?"

Carlisle laughed loudly, but his wide smile didn't reach his eyes. He was nervous. Why?

"I'm here to tell you to get yourself to bed. Lights out was over three hours ago. I was also told," he said as he pulled up a chair next to me. "That you told one of the nurses to, and I quote, 'suck a donkey's nut' if he thought that you'd be leaving Bella's side." He was smirking at me now. "Seems like you've developed quite a colorful vocabulary in recent weeks. The third person you've spoken to in just three weeks. This really is remarkable, Edward."

"That's all well and good, but you still haven't answered my q-q-question."

The playfulness went away, and I saw the internal battle that Carlisle was having within himself. I knew that he regarded me as his own son, and I thought of him as the father figure I knew my dad would have been to me now, had he still been alive. Part of me just wished that Carlisle would fucking take me away from all this bullshit, but that was nonsense talking. I was twenty two years old now. I was an adult, and I had to take care of my problems _myself_. I couldn't keep drowning like this. I had to get better.

"I have been trying to contact Bella's mother for several hours," he said to me quietly. He was speaking to me, not like a patient, but as a friend. I knew that there was an unspoken rule here, where nothing he said to me would leave this room. I wouldn't dare betray Carlisle's trust by having a big mouth. I mean, I was a mute for thirteen years – what's one secret, right?

The cone of silence was in full force.

"It appears she isn't in Florida at the moment. According to her answering machine, she is in Hawaii celebrating her honeymoon with her new husband." I was surprised at the viciousness in Carlisle's voice. I had never heard blatant distaste for someone so evident in every word he spoke. I didn't like Bella's mom, but I never showed it purely out of respect. Not that she deserved any.

"She...ran off to get m-married?" I growled in disbelief.

I completely understood that someone's life couldn't be on hold when a loved one was in a mental asylum somewhere, but I know that Bella would have told me about the wedding if she knew. I would have seen the hurt in her eyes when she pretended to sound happy for her mother. I could just picture what she would say to me.

She's have her hands clasped together, looking at the ground as if it were a puzzle she was concentrating on solving. Her eyes, that are a gateway to her soul, would be the darkest brown, reflecting her sadness. "I'm so glad she's found happiness, Edward. She deserves that after all I've done to her." She'd whisper with a smile that didn't reach her eyes.

_She just ran off to get married_?

I was shaking my head furiously, wanting to call Renee Fowler words that were not repeatable.

"Off the record, Edward, she is a horrible woman. I can't stand the damn sight of her. I didn't like her the moment I saw her nearly lay a hand on Bella three months ago."

"Bella would have hit her back." I offered lamely. When Carlisle didn't reply, I asked, "So what happens now? I assume you reported this?"

He groaned. "I had to, Edward. It's the law. Tomorrow morning she will have a case worker, but luckily I'm still her psychiatrist. I practically pleaded with Dr. Aro not to have her put into isolation, and he eventually caved and consented to my requests. You're allowed to stay with her, if you wish. I'll have a bed wheeled in before I leave. If there is any upside to this fucked up situation, it's that I think I have found Bella's father."

"You... _What_?" I felt like a fish out of water, the way my mouth was flapping open and shut. I knew for a fact that Bella didn't know anything about the father that left her when she was a child.

_And Carlisle found him? What the hell did this all mean?_

I could imagine the look on Bella's face when Carlisle tells her the news. She would be furious, or devastated. I wasn't sure this was such a good idea.

"I spoke to him for over an hour about what happened to Bella tonight. He's on his way to the hospital now."

"He's...he's coming here? Bella's n-not going t-t-to like this..."

"I know, son. But because of duty of care, I had to do this. She may be eighteen, but she can't look after herself in this condition. I had to inform her next of kin."

"S-so you expect the bastard who left her to pick up the pieces and t-then l-l-leave again?" I asked him angrily. Something ignited in Carlisle's eyes for just one moment, before it was nothing more than a dull spark. I hit a nerve. How? It's not like he knew the guy. "How the hell did you even find him? Bella didn't know his name and I'm pretty s-s-sure Renee wouldn't have left any clues."

"I can't discuss this information with you, son, as much as I really want to. But whether she, or you, like it or not...Charlie's coming here to see his daughter. He should be here any moment."

"Carlisle, _please reconsider._"

"The matter isn't open for discussion, Edward. Now, I wouldn't normally have to ask this of you, but since you have been speaking so much recently, I have to say this," He looked at me seriously, his tone professional and crisp. It shook me to the depths of my soul. "You do not know the full story, so please do not say or do anything to Charlie that will make this situation any more difficult than it already is. I also ask that you do not say anything to Bella about Charlie once she wakes up."

"H-how can you ask that of me? To not tell her? He'll be standing there when she wakes up!"

"Bella won't be awake for a while, son. Her body needs rest. She'll be out like a light for the next day and a bit."

"So for now, you're just letting him see her? That's all?" I asked him cautiously. Carlisle slowly nodded his head as there was a knock at the door. We both looked at the open doorway, and I was staring at a man I had never seen before in my life, but looked so damn familiar.


	7. Chapter 5 P2: Why It Will

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Chapter 5 (Part II): **_...And Just One Good One for Why It Will_

_Chapter Songs:  
Part I: There Are A Million Reasons for Why This May Not Work...And Just One Good One for Why It Will by Moneen  
Part II: We Are The People by Empire of the Sun_

* * *

_Followed the sun until night_  
_ Reminiscing other times of life_  
_ For each every other_  
_ The feeling was stronger_  
_ The shock hit eleven, got lost in your eyes_

_**We Are The People by Empire of the Sun**_

* * *

**Edward POV:  
**

He was wearing a police uniform, the words _Forks Police Department_ and _Charles Swan, Chief of Police_ embroidered onto his shirt. He was a large man, fit with firm muscles, but a pot belly. He looked like he would be a little shorter than me, 6'1 or so. I immediately recognized his rosy cheeks and chestnut colored hair_. _I looked at Bella, then back at him again. She looked so much like him, it was uncanny. Carlisle really _had_ found Bella's father.

The anger I thought I was going to feel wasn't there. I was going to ignore Carlisle's wishes and give him a mouthful (or a chair-full, perhaps) of what he deserved, but I suddenly found myself to be too exhausted to even consider such a thought. The moment I saw his eyes, I knew that he loved Bella. Don't ask me how I knew, but I did. I just felt it.

"Charlie, I apologize again for calling you so late." Carlisle said quietly, not moving from his seat. He held out a hand to me, urging me to stay in my seat. I wasn't going to move anyway, but I nodded my head to let him know I wouldn't do anything. It seemed to relax Carlisle somewhat. Charlie looked as if he hadn't heard a word Carlisle said. It was clear there was only one thought on his mind.

Charlie Swan's eyes trailed toward the bed, and his eyes filled with tears. He pulled out a tissue from his breast pocket and blew his nose. His shoulders were shaking from the sobs that rumbled from his chest.

"My baby girl," his voice whispered such agony it made both Carlisle and I weep.

**Bella POV:**

Instead of opening my eyes, I decided to just listen to my surroundings. I could hear running water, a fountain perhaps, and birds singing all around me. I was hypnotized by the gentle swaying of the breeze caressing my skin.

_Well, this definitely isn't the hospital._

I took in a deep breath, letting the smell of fresh grass and flower blossoms engulf my senses. I was in heaven. I had to be. I slowly opened my eyes and let the blinding sun invade my vision. I laughed breathlessly, closing my eyes again for a moment. My closed eyelids were now a bright red. I tried not to wince as I opened my eyes, raising my hand to block the sun. I gasped when I saw no cuts or scars on my arm.

_Am I dead?_

I sat up quickly, looking down at my body. I was wearing clothes that I hadn't worn in years; denim shorts, roman sandals and a baggy floral singlet. My toe nails were painted black, like I used to do years before my admission into the asylum. My fingers played with the beautiful purple petals that surrounded me. The scent coming off them was astounding. The sun was warming my ice cold skin in the best kind of way. I basked in it. The smell of summertime made me feel as light as a cloud. I was at peace. Completely.

My hand flying over my mouth as I gasped again.

_I must be dead. Oh shit!_

"No. You're not dead, Bee." Alice said to me quietly. She was now laying beside be, her hand in mine. I blinked a few times before a wide grin spread across my face. This was _my_ Alice, all traces of Malice dead and gone. Her gray eyes were sparkling delicately in the sunlight like a thousand diamonds. Her skin was sun kissed and glowing. She had a peaceful smile on her face. I couldn't even begin to describe the relief that washed over me in that moment. She was okay!

"I knew you wouldn't leave me."

She smiled sadly and rolled over to face me. _That _was the Alice I remembered. I was sure I was grinning like an absolute idiot, but I couldn't find it in me to care. "I was still there, Bee. Just not visually. I just wish you talked to Carlisle about _her_." She didn't say her name, but the hate was there. She shuddered before looking at me again, smiling.

"You mean the fucked up zombie version of you?"

She chuckled softly, her laughter as gentle as the breeze.

"Yes, that crazy bitch. But then again, I can't really talk, can I? I never left you, Bee. You just thought I did."

"But for the past three weeks there were no traces of you..."

She played with my fingers, eyes averted to the endless sky before us. We didn't speak for a while and just watched the scenery before us. Clouds quickly flew past us, white and soft like marshmallows. I was wrong about the fountain. It was actually a running lake. I could see ducks and fish creating ripples in the water. I was still unsure about where I was. If I'm not dead then where was I? In limbo?

"I told you, dingus, you're not dead. You're just unconscious. And just so you know, you _really _should have talked to someone about Malice. You should have spoken to Carlisle. What do you think he's payed for? To sit there and look pretty? He would have helped you through it."

"I'm _really_ not dead? This," my hands swept the field, "is all in my imagination?" She nodded her head, smiling widely.

"This is your mind protecting you right now. After all of the chaos and turmoil you have been feeling, you deserve a little happiness, right?"

Did I deserve this? Definitely not, but I'm not going to ask it all to be taken away from me. I could stay here, watching the endless skies and flowers bloom for the rest of my life. It was all so breathtakingly beautiful. Alice played with the purple flowers, picking apart petal after petal. She was trying to work up the nerve to tell me something but I didn't know what.

"I don't recognize this place. Is this a subconscious memory?"

"I'm surprised you don't. You seem to have forgotten all the good that was in your life." She said sadly, sitting up and moving closer to me. "When we were kids, we used to come here all the time and feed the ducks. The day I died we pulled a shifty and skipped school and ran here to play hop scotch. Remember?"

I laughed at the memory, deciding to forget the devastating truth of her death. I remembered that we skipped all the way from our school to our secret place, this meadow, to play games and do whatever we pleased. It was a place of serenity for us. Our sanctuary. I grinned, turning to face Alice.

I thought back to when I was a kid, with an alive Alice, and the mischief we used to get up to. On sleepovers, we'd sneak out after dark and watch the stars, occasionally whispering words of awe to each other or laughing about Michael, a boy that had an enormous crush on me at the time. I remembered the times where we'd just look at each other and burst out laughing, knowing what was on each others mind at the time. I remembered the times where we used to pig out on watermelon, or the times she'd hug me tightly when Renee and I would get into fights over trivial things. Our relationship was far too mature for the tender age of eight, yet so perfect at the same time. It was one of those friendship's that were near impossible to find... And we found it. We had it. We were meant to be sister's for life, and her life was taken away from her before she really got to live it.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and ask the questions I wanted to ask her for weeks now.

"Will you explain to me why Malice took over you?"

She laughed loudly, the sound echoing into the distance. "You know, for someone so smart, you sure can be stupid sometimes, Bee." I decided to ignore her insult and signaled her to continue.

"Remember a few weeks ago? That courtyard incident with Renee? Do you remember the rage that was burning through your veins? That something snapped inside you?"

"Yes."

"Malice spawned from that, Bee. She was the hate within you. And I guess, I represent shelter to you. She wanted to take over you, to make sure you would become consumed by hate. I can thankfully say with great relief that that crazy zombie bitch is out of the picture for now." She ruffled my hair playfully.

"Well I guess that makes sense..." Was all I could say. God, the mind was really such a fascinating thing, when you thought about it. All of these defense mechanisms your mind creates to protect or destroy you. I swore to myself that if Malice were to ever make a reappearance in my life, I would say something. I wouldn't suffer in silence this time.

"She was this manifestation...this lifeless being that wanted you to be just as empty."

"And you say that you're my shelter?"

"Well _duh_. I am the security in you that you long to have. You never had a secure upbringing, even though you lived with your mother. You moved from place to place, taking new names, new faces. The main reason I can't stand Renee is because she has a hidden agenda, Bee. There is something hidden behind her eyes whenever she'd look at you. After I died, you couldn't cope anymore. You felt alone. You needed to cope, so you created me. But you don't need me anymore, Bee. You now have that security in the form of Edward."

_Edward_. Could he really be the security that I needed? A healthy one? I could feel tears falling from my face, Alice's words really hitting home.

"I don't want to lose you, Al." I whispered, squeezing her hand tightly. I couldn't bear the thought of losing Alice after everything we went through. In letting go of her, I feel like I'm letting the idea of her go and succumbing to Renee's lies. I _know_ she was real, but why was she telling me that I didn't need her anymore?

"Hey now," her voice sounded so damn mature, a mother soothing a broken child, "I'm closer than you think, Bee. Alice Brandon will forever be a part of your life. She's in your heart. She's in every step you take. You just need to really take a step back and not let this ruin your life anymore."

"You're not ruining my life."

"No? Look where you are now, Isabella. You deserve so much more than this. You know it, and I know it. I will still be around occasionally." She laughed, "Don't think you can get rid of me _that_ easily. But you are at the point now were you can't keep holding onto me anymore. It's time to let go."

"I don't think I can. I don't even know if I want to."

"I know you can, and you know how I know? Because I am in your mind, motherfucker. You can _do_ this. When you hit the bottom, you have to work your way up again. And for the first time in ten years, you're strong enough to do that."

I laughed through my tears, hugging Alice as tightly as I could. I finally understood why I was here, with Alice right now. My mind was giving me much needed rest and guidance before I had to start the long road to recovery. And Alice was right, I think I _am_ ready to try now.

"Oh shit," I thought of the cuts, the suicide attempt and Edward finding me.

_Shit, shit, shit!_

"If I'm unconscious, Edward would have called a nurse! Fuuuuuuck!"

"Shut up, dork. It's your fault if he did blab. Look what you did to yourself in retrospect. He was worried about you and did nothing but care for you when he could have just walked away."

"Fuck. You're right. You're always right."

"And plus... Edward's a hunky piece of meat. _And _he really loves you. He's a girl's dream, Bee. Nab that!"

"A hunky piece of meat? Ugh, shit, I missed your senseless rabble."

"There's no way I'm leaving," a melodic, baritone voice sounded. It was distorted and echoed from the sky. I looked up in confusion, wondering what was happening. "No, _you_ listen. I'm not leaving her." Edward's voice said in quiet anger.

"Edward, you need to have some rest, son." I immediately recognized Carlisle's mixed accent. "You've been here since she came back from the E.R. You need to look after yourself."

"No. There's no way I'm leaving her. I told her I'd be here when she woke up."

Alice pulled me into her arms quickly, hugging me with all of the strength her tiny frame could muster.

"You're about to wake up." She answered my silent question. I started sobbing onto my best friend's shoulder, knowing our time together was about to draw to a close. I was scared to leave this place, to leave _her_. "You can do this, Bee. I know you can. Remember, you are a strong woman. You just need to keep telling yourself that."

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?"

"Exactly."


	8. Chapter 6: Golden Skans

_A/N: Hi all! I've been getting an insane amount of views/alerts for this story, so thanks a bunch! I'm going interstate today for a bit (with no internet. Sighhh), so I won't be updating again until I return. Send me some review love for when I return? *cheesy grin* It'll make me grin plentysome and i'll bake you e-brownies. You know you can't resist the awesome power of e-baked goods. Thank you to my beautiful BETA misstiggy for fixing this shit up. Back to BPOV for a while, folks. This chapter is probably as fluffy as it'll get. Thought our Bella needed a break for a chappie ;)  
_

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

_Chapter Song: Golden Skans by Klaxons_

* * *

_"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish."_

_Mother Teresa_

* * *

Before I opened my eyes I was engulfed by the pain from both my wrists.

_Oh yeah, that burns like a motherfucker. You're alive, all right. _

It was nothing that I didn't deserve, that was for sure. I wondered in the silence of wherever I was right now, if I was placed in isolation. We all knew the rules here; if you self harm or put yourself in a position of concern for your or welfare or anyone else, you were put on suicide watch which included isolation for three days. You were under a damn microscope, a video camera watching your every move. I was suddenly scared, my breath shaky and uneven. I tried to move my hand, but groaned quietly when I realized I had restraints on. No wonder they made us sleep with the damn railings up.

"Bella, love?" His velvet voice sounded into the quiet room.

My eyes flew open and I was immediately greeted with all the glory of Edward. He was hovering over my bed, a wide smile on his face. He looked like he hadn't slept properly in days, his five o'clock shadow was strong and fierce. He had purple bags under his eyes yet he still looked so breathtakingly beautiful, it made tears well in my eyes. He was still here. He saw my fuck up first hand, yet he was still here with me, smiling at me like I was an angel descending from heaven. I cried as he kissed my wet cheeks tenderly. I wanted to hug Edward so tightly we would become one person. I wanted an ounce of the goodness, the purity he possessed. I wanted to run my fingers through his thick, soft hair and kiss his strong, defined jaw.

"I love you, I love you..." I whispered against his lips, kissing him with as much love I could give him. He chuckled and undid the restraints. I felt a rush of blood flood back to my hands. I welcomed the pins and needles with a grin.

"As I love you."

"I'm not in isolation?"

His already large smile grew and his hands never left my body. It made my heart go into overdrive, but not in a bad way. His eyes danced with joyous emotions and relief. I suddenly felt extremely guilty for everything I put Edward through these past few weeks. I was aware of the strain I was putting on him, but never really payed that much attention to it. I could see now how much I really meant to him. I made a vow to myself at that precise moment;

_You must never make him worry about you again, Bella. Stop being so damn selfish._

"Carlisle managed to talk Dr. Aro out o-of that, thank god. You're still in your room now. I...uhh...I've been s-staying here with you during the night." I gawked at the spare hospital bed next to my own.

_How had I not noticed that before? Edward sacrificed his own progress to stay with me? What on earth had I done in this life to deserve someone like him?_

"You...stayed...but...oh Edward!" I ignored the screaming pain in my arms as I hugged him. I kissed his neck, his jaw, everywhere my lips could feel skin. I felt blessed. Watched over by some divine being. Alice was right; he was my guardian angel. I could get through this with him in my life. It didn't matter if we were friends or something more, he was my light in the darkness I had once found comfort in. I kept whispering the words _I love you_ repeatedly, and each and every time he would tell me that he loved me too. It gave me goosebumps.

"How long have I been unconscious for?" I asked him nervously. I really didn't want to know the answer, but hell, I was going to find out eventually, anyway. Might as well hear it from Edward.

"Three days."

"_Three days_? Was I induced?"

"No. Carlisle believes that your body was physically drained from all the blood loss, and once you had the blood transfusion-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, transfusion? Are you trying to tell me that I nearly died?"

Pain shot across Edward's face. He was reliving an experience he should never have seen in the first place. I wanted to place my thumb over the crease in between his eyes, the frown on his lips and smooth them out. I didn't want him to worry anymore. I wanted him to be happy and well. I could hit myself for being so damn stupid!

_You nearly lost Edward forever... You're stupid, Bitch-ella._

"It was very close... But here you are..."

"Here I am..."

I smirked at Edward, pulling his body closer to mine. I stroked his beautiful hair. I took in the different shades, amazed at how even his _hair_ was so striking. I remembered the first time I saw it in the sunlight, and the beautiful shades of orange, brown, blond and reds. The range awed me to this day. His breath fanned across my collar bone like stolen whispers. I shivered at the intimacy of such a simplistic gesture.

I had almost forgotten that Edward spoke to me three days ago. His voice, a mixture of melted chocolate and sheer seduction made me want to fan myself. It wasn't at all like I expected, but better than I could ever had imagined. It was deep and rich and uniquely Edward. It was a crime that he kept his voice hidden from the world.

"Your heartbeat is faster... W-what are you thinking about, love?"

I groaned as he laughed at me. If I could avoid answering that question, I definitely would.

"Wait a minute, if I have been asleep for three days...then...oh no!" I gasped.

_Today is Christmas! _

I blushed furiously as Edward got up from the bed and walked back with a small present wrapped in a long, slender box. My mouth flapped open and shut several times, wondering why he would buy me a present. Ugh! And I didn't even have anything to give back to him!

_Worst person alive. Seriously._

"Go on, open it." He smirked at me, like he did the first time I really saw him. I stuttered over my words, telling him he shouldn't have gotten me anything as I ripped through the adorable snow man wrapping paper. "Well technically, this is a joint present. From Carlisle and I."

"_Really_?" Well now I was definitely curious. When I caught a glimpse of the black velvet jewelry box, my eyes widened. What on earth could it be?

"I don't know whether you noticed, but Carlisle and I wear matching crests. I have a wristband," he held up his hand that revealed a silver crest with a lion, clover leaves and a hand placed atop a black leather cuff, "And Carlisle has a ring with the same crest on it. It's h-his uh...f-family crest. The Cullen family crest. He gave me the wristband to give me something to work towards, a family. We both thought that...this...oh man, I'm nervous." He chuckled anxiously as my fingers slid open the velvet box.

"Oh my god," I exclaimed.

I was face to face with one of the most exquisite piece of jewelry my eyes had ever seen. It was the same crest as the ones that Carlisle and Edward had, but my bracelet was gold and the background of the crest was green. The color reminded me of Edward's eyes. Edward unclasped the thick gold bracelet and clasped it on around my left wrist. I was blinking back tears that were falling like a damn waterfall. No one had ever been so thoughtful as to get me a gift like this before – making me feel like I belonged in a family. That I was _loved_.

"You don't like it?" Edward's voice faltered for a minute.

"No, I fucking love it!" I yelled, hugging him for the millionth time in under ten minutes. "Thank you, so, so much. This is the nicest gift anyone has ever gotten me before." I had to remember to thank Carlisle when I saw him, which would probably be tomorrow, since it's Christmas.

"But I don't have anything for you..."

"Hey now... I already got my wish...you're awake and okay."

I smiled timidly, wanting to ask Edward the question that was afraid to fall from my lips. Instead, I took a deep breath and asked something else.

"Tell me what I've missed out on since I've been asleep?"

Edward stiffed against me for a millisecond before he looked at me, smiling.

_That was odd_.

"Well Carlisle's wife is pregnant. It's their first child together."

My heart swelled. Carlisle would be such a brilliant father. I couldn't picture a more perfect dad if I tried. I'm sure his wife was just as amazing.

"Aww, that's fantastic! I'm so happy for them both!"

"So am I. They've been trying for years. Um... Would you ever...?"

"Would I ever what?"

Edward did the unexpected – _he blushed_. I gawked at him, trying really hard not to laugh. He's adorable! "You know... want babies."

"_Oh_!" I giggled hysterically, trying to hide my own embarrassment. Was Edward trying to tell me that he wanted us to have babies together? Hot damn!

"Well... Yeah... One day... Whenever the time feels right." He smiled at me, vibrant like a rainbow. I was dazed while he continued speaking, thinking of having Edward's babies. I imagined a beautiful boy who looked identical to Edward, and a little girl that looked like me but had Edward's bronze hair.

_Perfect babies._

"W-what else have I got... Lauren got released last night."

"_Really_?"

"Yeah, but not before she confessed her undying love for Jessica before she left."

"Fuck off! I missed that?"

Edward cleared his throat before putting on the worst imitation of a girl I have ever heard. "I could satisfy you, Jessica! We're meant to be together! The penis has nothing on me!"

We laughed together, discussing everything I missed out on. It was like I just went away for the weekend, not because a suicide attempt had left me unconscious for three days. When the laughing died down, I looked at Edward seriously.

"How have _you_ been, Edward?"

He seemed stunned, his face blank for several seconds. I would have given anything to know what was going on through his mind at that moment. If only I could read minds. It seemed like he was working his way through layers of emotions, trying to sort out how he really felt. When he didn't reply, I felt slightly discouraged, but gently nudged him a little. I would go crazy if I didn't know.

"A penny for your thoughts?" I asked him. He smiled and kissed my knuckles gingerly.

"I'm very good right now, babe. So happy that everything has worked out."

"Will you promise me something?" He nodded his head. "Never, ever put your life on hold for me again. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so thankful that you looked after me; but your life is more important than mine. Remember that you're here for you, not for me."

"My silly Bella," he cooed, wiping away more tears I didn't realize were falling. "Don't you see? You _are_ my life."

"Be with me...please." I whispered before I could stop the words. His lips parted in shock. I cupped his face in my hands, smiling at the stubble and the way it tickled my skin. "I want to be yours...and I want you to be mine."

"I'm with you." I leaned into him, our lips becoming reacquainted. I sighed as I kept thinking to myself that this was something I could get used to. I hoped he felt the same way.

"Icing on the fucking cake." He whispered against my lips.

* * *

When Carlisle walked in and saw me awake, with my bracelet on, he gave me a heartfelt hug. I thanked him profusely for his and Edward's gift, and he said it was no trouble. He told me I was part of the family now. I was honored to even be considered a part of Carlisle Cullen's family. I had these two men looking after me all along, and Carlisle, the father figure I never had, was ready to guide me. I was deep in thought when Carlisle inspected my lacerations.

_It's time to take your life back. Make it yours again._

I knew that Alice Brandon was someone that was in my life. I was never granted with the time to grieve, so my mind conjured up my guardian angel. It all, as she said, manifested into something that grew out of hand. I would hold the memories close to my heart, but no longer let it rule my life. I was a new woman, seeing the world through different eyes.

I grinned to myself, the foreign emotion of happiness slowly becoming something I was getting used to.

"Bella, there are some things I need to discuss with you," he said once Edward left for breakfast and to shower. I nodded my head slowly, expecting punishment for my actions. Nothing I didn't deserve. I would take it on the chin, without complaint.

"When I found you in here with Edward, I had tried to contact your mother...but I have been unsuccessful."

"Huh? She's not in Jacksonville?"

"Her answering machine clearly stated that she is currently on her honeymoon in Hawaii."

I winced, like Carlisle himself slapped me across the face. She's done it again! She's up and left to get married to husband number seven! She didn't even bother to fucking tell me this time around. Fucking fantastic!

"Well, fuck!" I growled, hitting my hand against the railing. I winced at the sharp pain that felt like my stitches would tear, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I honestly would have been happy for her if she had the decency to _tell_ me!

"I really need you to concentrate on what I am about to tell you. Would you rather us wait until you're feeling a little better or would you want to just get it done with?"

"Just rip off the band aid, Carlisle."

A lump formed in my throat and my shallow breaths echoed in my ears. What else did Carlisle have to tell me? That I would be moved to a different asylum now? He wouldn't be my psychiatrist anymore? That I would be seeing a horrible case worker, or someone like Dr. Aro? _Oh god_! He was an awful man! I wanted to hunt down whoever decided to give him his qualifications and slap them thoroughly.

"I have a very good friend, Bella," he began. I didn't bother to hide the confusion on my face. That sure wasn't how I expected the conversation to begin. "He has a daughter whom he hasn't seen since she was two years old. Her mother ran away with her and they've been on the run since. He has been trying to hunt her down for many years. She would be eighteen right now."

My hands were shaking as I clumsily gripped the hospital railing on my bed. It can't be...can it?

"You see, he has been looking for her for sixteen years. He loves her dearly and a few days ago, he asked for my help to try to find her. After some research I discovered some things."

"And those things are?" I was surprised at how calm my voice sounded when really, I was about to crumble. I knew where this conversation was headed, but it wouldn't be real unless he spoke the words. I was scared of the disappointment, yet scared if I was thinking what he was about to say would come true.

"Bella...my best friend, his name is Charlie Swan. He is your father."

_Your father._

_Your father._

_He is your father._

The words repeated in my head like I was underneath a church bell. They rang against my eardrums loudly, making me want cover my ears to make it stop. Before I could respond, my head was off my pillow, over the side of my bed and I vomited into the hospital bin.

* * *

After my throwing up incident in the morning and three mouthfuls of mouthwash and brushing my teeth five times later, I was pacing up and down my room, wanting to punch my beloved father figure square in the nuts. I don't know how Carlisle expected me to react when he told me he found my father, but judging by the look on my face it wasn't the reaction I had given him.

"What the hell makes you think I want to see the bastard?" I yelled at him like it _he_ was the man that left me years before.

"You need to hear his side of the story, Bella."

"And why should I?" I asked him defiantly. I think I even stomped my foot at one point, too. "What the hell has he done for me lately?"

_Nothing! Absolutely nothing!_

"He loves you. I promise you, he does. Please trust me. Charlie is a honorable man."

"Who's side are you on, Cullen?" I growled. He rolled his eyes, looking like the father figure once more, letting his daughter chuck a tantrum. He raised his eyebrows, unimpressed.

"_Did you just call me Cullen_?"

"Such a man's word, I swear..."

"Please see him."

"No!" I screamed back, sounding like a five year old in trouble. One hour, several heated arguments and one helluva migraine later, I reluctantly agreed to meet him In the hospital cafeteria for dinner. Carlisle said he would be with me the entire time and that soothed me somewhat momentarily. Before lunch, Edward, Carlisle and I headed down to the courtyard.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked Carlisle quietly, still a little pissed off about our earlier conversation. "Why are you spending Christmas at the hospital with us when you have a family at home?"

We had all been sitting outside for a few hours now, chain smoking and drinking instant coffee. I blew into the cup and took a greedy sip, letting the paper cup warm my freezing hands. It was so damn cold today! Edward occasionally brushed snow off my thick coat, - which was his, by the way - smiling every time he did so. Part of me secretly wished that it was just an excuse to have physical contact with me. I laced Edward's gloved fingers with my own. His hands were large and almost completely covered my tiny one. I made a weird, bubbling sort of snort-giggle. Edward raised a eyebrow, obviously intrigued with my thoughts. It only made me laugh more.

My Edward (Whoa, I could actually say that now! Alice would be very proud of me) repeated the question I asked him just hours before.

"A penny for your thoughts?"

"A picture so it lasts." I said softly to myself, still staring at Carlisle. Since he told me about the reappearance of my father, he had barely spoken to anyone. He stuck around, but he seemed lost in thought. He looked extremely troubled by some sort of inner turmoil and I wanted nothing more than to comfort him. If only we could talk freely, like friends, instead of having this doctor/patient relationship. He did so much for Edward and I, so much more than he really had to, so I guess in time, maybe someday he'd share his thoughts with us when we were well enough to take it.

Then again I was still majorly pissed at him for dropping the dad bomb on me.

I leaned into Edward's open arms as Carlisle finally spoke, "My family understand, Bella. They know that there are kids here, like you and Edward, that don't have the luxury of having a family to celebrate the holiday's with. I may not be with my loved ones at home, but that doesn't mean I'm not with loved ones right now. You two are like my children."

We had a group hug, and I felt less alone in the world. I'm sure we all did.

As we walked through the winding corridor's that led up to ward C4, I thought about my temperamental mother. I spent a long time trying to think of all of the good things that she had done for me during my life, and ended up coming to a dead end. Surely there was something good? Was I really so narrow minded that I couldn't remember anything good? If any?

I was wrong.

There was one thing Renee did for me that changed my life for the better – making me pack up my bags in Phoenix and dumping me in a hospital in Seattle, alone and helpless. I laughed loudly again at my sudden revelation, accidentally slamming into a large body that was unfamiliar to the touch. He held onto my arms, steadying me.

I should _really_ watch where I'm walking.

I looked up shyly, cordial apologies already spilling from my mouth, but they immediately fell short. I immediately recognized his average, dull features and mouse-like hair. It was that guy who tried to come onto me in the courtyard months ago! That all knowing, shit eating grin was plastered across his face as his eyes examined my body. It made me want to vomit for the second time today. For the first time in my life I wish I was wearing stiletto shoes so I could stomp on his foot.

I nearly squealed, my hand flying over my mouth in realization – I wasn't afraid of him! I felt no panic tingling my muscles, or the tightening of my chest.

"Oh, hi there. I remember you." his snake like voice said to me in a pathetic attempt at seduction. I bit my lip hard, trying desperately not to laugh in his face. I wondered whether this was what Edward felt every time Jessica Stanley tried to come on to him? Disgusted amusement?

"Yeah, hi." I said lamely, looking over his shoulder to see Edward standing in the middle of the hallway, looking intently at this man's hands gripping my arms. I nodded my head, wanting him to see how I wasn't afraid. I was so proud of myself!

_Bella 1 - Anxiety 0._

"You didn't look so good the last time I saw you. Is everything okay, sugar? What's your name?"

_Sugar? Really? _

I smirked at Edward's rigid frame and winked at him, showing that there was nothing to worry about.

"I'm Bella. What's your name?"

"James. How are you?" He smiled.

"Great, thanks. Everything couldn't be more perfect. Now if you'll excuse me, my boyfriend and I best be off. Happy holidays." Edward strode to my side, a protective arm now around my waist. His eyes were shooting daggers straight at the man's head.

"Hey!" He called out as we walked away from him. "I thought you said he wasn't your boyfriend!"

Without turning around, Edward flipped him off, his arm stretching tall and strong. I laughed so hard there were tears falling from my face and my body was shaking. Edward was laughing too, and we stumbled toward the end of the corridor where Carlisle was staring at us with a wide grin on his face. He was trying hard not to laugh, his face as bright as a tomato.

Not long after our return to the ward, Edward and I sat together for lunch at the _group table_, on the end nevertheless, but still a massive accomplishment for the both of us. Our hands were entwined the entire time. I'm sure to any onlookers, they must have been really sick of our little displays of subtle affection, but for fuck's sake, we're in love! I even grinned at Jessica when she glared at me when Edward kissed me. Where was this Bella coming from? It scared me and thrilled me at the same time.

_Well if you paid attention, _Alice's voice chimed in my head, _you'd realize that this confident you is part of your illusion of me, dumb ass. _

I smiled widely, high on happiness.

After lunch, for the first time, I actually participated in one of the group activities – sewing class. Edward groaned loudly when I told him I'd be sitting in and his voice went up an octave as he complained, "For the love of god, Bella, _sewing_?". I laughed hysterically when forty minutes into the class, he pulled up a chair beside me and wordlessly started stitching the hem of a polka dot skirt I was making.

"Aww, my man knows how to sew."

"Ugh, for the love of all that is holy, Bella..."

By the time it was drawing close to six pm, my spirits were beginning to dampen, the Christmas buzz freezing dead in my veins. The closer the time got to six thirty, the more agitated I became. I had reluctantly agreed to meet my...ugh...father (Can't believe I'm actually calling him that) for dinner.

I wanted to know the four-one-one on Charles Swan, but Carlisle refused to speak a word of his life, claiming that his story wasn't his to tell. Must be the psychiatrist coming out in him or something. I nervously stared down at the clothes I was wearing, feeling very subconscious. Was I supposed to look girly? Butch? Prep? A typical teenage stereotype? Goth? _Well shit. _I decided on wearing a long sleeved midnight blue shirt and my light gray jeans with my ankle boots that were about to tear. I couldn't find it in me to give them up. They were so damn comfortable.

I tied my hair up messily, pulling the bun to rest at the top of my scalp. I wrinkled my nose as stray strands tickled my cheeks.

_You're not here to impress him, or anyone else, Bella,_ I told myself. _Dress for you. Take it as it comes. _

I smiled to myself, nodding my head in approval at the very Alice sounding words of encouragement.

"I _love_ that color on you." Edward said quietly, leaning against my door frame, smirking. I blushed nervously, looking down to the floor, but not before I saw the smoldering look in his eyes. His light green eyes darkened by at least three shades.

"I thought you had dinner now?" I chastely kissed him at the door. I put my black cardigan over my shoulders, walking through the halls with Edward.

"I did, but apparently I'm the messenger boy." He muttered in annoyance. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, love, but your father just arrived. He'll b-be in the cafe in five minutes."

"Fuck." I spat, biting my fingernails. I was really hoping that there was some kind of mix up, that this man wasn't really my father, that it was all some miscommunication. "How is Carlisle so certain that this is my dad? Do I even look like him?"

"Oh, you look like him."

I stopped walking and stared at Edward sternly. "How do you know that, Edward?" He bit his lip and his eyes looked everywhere but at me. In any other circumstance, I would have found it adorable, but this was serious. How the hell did he know that I looked like him?

"Shit. Fuck. _Ughhhh_.Carlisle didn't tell you?" His eyes were suddenly fascinated with a hospital painting we had walked past a million times before. He was still biting his lip, his left leg shaking nervously. Oh hell no. I could feel all of my patience being ripped away from me.

"Tell me _what_, Edward?"

"I really shouldn't be...ah, man...Carlisle's going to kill me..." He placed his hands on my shoulders, making my shaking limbs cease movement. "Bella, baby, Charlie...um...Mr Swan, I mean...has already been to the hospital to see you..."

I laughed pathetically, thinking this was some kind of joke. He had already seen me? Impossible. I would have known. Unless... _Motherfucking Cullen!_

Three emotions went through me in the span of ten long seconds. First; amusement. I searched for any sign that this was all a joke, and found no sign of amusement in Edward's eyes. Second; anger. I was furious that a _stranger _was allowed to see me when I was unconscious! Unconscious! I had looked like absolute hell, and I'm sure I still do. I was surprised I wasn't still in my hospital bed. And Carlisle let him waltz on in to see me? Third; hurt. I hated being lied to. And Carlisle lied to me – a white lie, but it was still a lie. And it was all to protect his friend.

Why?

"Baby, s-say something." Edward whispered. I was immediately pulled out of my thoughts and back to reality. I blinked a few times before I could focus again. "What's going through that head of yours?"

"You don't even want to know." I muttered. "Just so I know what to expect, tell me what Swan looks like?"

His eyes lit up for reasons I didn't want to know – I didn't care to ask since I was sure it had to do with Charlie Swan. Seems like he developed quite a fan base, my boyfriend included.

"Besides the pot belly, large frame and...well, the fact that he's a male...you'll be looking at the spitting image of you."

"Should I be complimented or insulted? You're saying I look like a middle aged man?" I asked him, feigning offense. He laughed, and that devious smirk appeared on his face once more. I think I melted a little, not that I would tell him that. Or anyone.

Edward knocked swiftly three times on Carlisle's office door. Carlisle opened the door immediately, grinning from ear to ear. I glared at him, angry again. He smiled at me like this was just another day at the hospital.

"You'll love him." He told me while we walked down the stairs.

"He should be so lucky." I mumbled loud enough for him to hear.


	9. Chapter 7: Broken Bones

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing.**

_Chapter Song: Broken Bones by Birds of Tokyo  
_

* * *

_"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else ; you are the one who gets burned."_

_- Buddha_

* * *

_Six forty two._

Ugh, are you kidding me right now? We had been sitting here for only twelve minutes? Could time hate me anymore right now? If time were a person I bet they'd be having a grand old laugh right now.

_Ha ha, Bella, in your face_. _Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm time and I'm intentionally going slow just to piss you the fuck off._

Yeah, keep saying that, time. I'll pop a cap in your ass.

_Six forty six. How do you like that, bitch?_

I glared at my watch, willing the time to go _a lot _faster. It wasn't working though. I was curious about Charlie Swan and his reasons for re-entering into my turbulent life. But not curious enough to look him in the eye. I decided to look at my watch again.

_Six forty seven._

Motherfucker!

"Can you please pass me the newspaper, Dr Cullen?" I asked Carlisle quietly. He passed it without word, looking at me seriously. I knew what he was telling me with his eyes and the slight frown that plagued his lips, but I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't act like I was ecstatic about meeting my father, because I wasn't.

We sat in the hospital lobby cafe with instant coffee and stale cake tainting our taste buds. Carlisle shifted in his seat with unease. This whole affair was so awkward it could be comical.. Almost. I picked up my fork and stabbed my piece of orange and poppy seed cake, desperate to do anything involving moment. I flicked through the pages of the today's paper, not taking in the printed words before me. Charlie cleared his throat and started to speak to me. I was instantly drawn in by his rich, yet rough tenor vocals. I could tell from the few minutes that we have been together that he was a man of few words.

_Six fifty._

"I have been waiting for this moment for sixteen years. I can't believe that god has answered my prayers."

I had also been waiting for this moment for so many years – so why was I suddenly afraid of my father, my flesh and blood? I was identical to Charlie in many ways. Edward wasn't kidding when he said I was a spitting image of him. I had his curly brown hair and stained pink cheeks, his narrow, straight nose and heart shaped face. I even had the same random splatter of freckles on the bridge of my nose, too. I had his doe brown eyes and full lips. I shared his quiet, thoughtful nature and serious facial expressions. Did I inherit anything from my mother? A quick scan in my mind came up almost empty. Didn't surprise me at all. When I was a child I used to wonder if I was adopted, because not only did I look nothing like her, my personality was completely opposite to hers. I put down my paper and exhaled through my nose.

"But you left, Mr Swan." I said flatly.

Carlisle was staring at Charlie intently. I didn't have to be a shrink to know what that look said. He gave me that exact look every time I felt hopeless or isolated. It was his I-believe-you-can-do-this look. I sighed and put down my fork. I wished that Edward was sitting beside me and holding my hand, whispering in my ear that I could do this. I wished that Alice and all her tiny glory was here to slap me and yell at me to face my demons. It all seemed easy to just _talk to him_ in retrospect, but now I was staring my father in my eye and I never wanted to run away so strongly in my entire life. I wasn't angry anymore, but extremely scared. I wouldn't let him in so he could walk out again. That would devastate me.

"You left me when I was too young to beg you to stay. You know my mother has been married five times after she married you? She's engaged again, actually scratch that. The nut case is on her honeymoon as we speak. Husband number seven. Needless to say I have gone through step fathers like underwear, Mr Swan. I have never had a father figure, nor do I intend for that to change now." It was like word vomit. I couldn't stop the words from spilling out.

"Do you expect me to grovel on my knees and beg you not to leave again? Because that won't happen. I'm sorry, but it won't. I have looked at my mother and wondered what she thought of me every time she looked at me, knowing that I was the evidence, living proof of a man that left her with a toddler. Why did you leave? How could you leave and not once try to find me if I apparently meant so much to you?"

"What the hell has that woman told you?" He interrupted my external monologue.

"_That woman_ has done a hell of a lot more for me than you ever have! If you've come here just to bad mouth my mother, I won't have any of it – even if she does deserves it."

I didn't know why I was standing up for Renee. Maybe I wanted to pick a fight with this man. Maybe I enjoyed watching him squirm under my vehement stare. Charlie took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. He was turning red in the face and his shoulders were shaking with his fury.

_Another thing you inherited from him_.

I growled and folded my arms across my chest. Carlisle put his hand on his shoulder, whispering something to him that specifically wasn't for my ears.

_Six fifty nine._

Hell, now that my rant had started, why should I stop now?

"And _you_," I addressed Carlisle, jabbing a finger in his direction. "Why the fuck didn't you just _leave it alone_? I don't give a flying fuck whether he is your best friend or not. I don't even have the same last name. I know nothing about him!"

"_What_?" Charlie slammed his hand on the already unstable desk. Coffee spilled from our drinks and onto the table. My fork fell off my plate and crashed to the floor. Several people looked in our direction curiously. I was stunned into silence. Carlisle immediately grabbed napkins from the dispenser and wiped away the evidence of Charlie's anger.

"Charlie, you need to calm down. Have a smoke, take a walk, but I won't have you upset Bella." Carlisle said firmly. My anger toward Carlisle washed away immediately, but I still had unanswered questions. I raised my eyebrow, urging him to answer my questions. "You really need to hear both sides of the story, Bella."

"_Are you kidding me?"_

"Please be reasonable, Bella. You're being awfully stubborn right now."

I snorted with repugnance. Personally, I thought I was handling the situation how any one else would if they were in my position. Carlisle was really beginning to push his luck. I had agreed to come and speak to him, didn't I? I thought if anything, I was dealing with all of this bullshit quite well considering my past.

"Why are you here, Mr Swan?"

His words were all sloppy and he struggled to piece together a coherent sentence for several seconds. He looked at me like I had grown three heads – something I was very used to already. Had to be a record though.

_Seven oh nine._

Wow, it _is _a record. He already thinks I'm crazy and it hasn't even been a hour. You've outdone yourself, Bella.

"I wanted to see you. There hasn't been a day that has passed that I haven't thought about you. Where you are, what you'd be..."

"Well you know the answer to two of those thoughts now. I'm in Seattle and I'm insane. Anything else you want to know about?"

"You don't have my last name?" Charlie finally asked quietly. He was taking deep breaths and speaking through gritted teeth. I groaned mentally, not wanting to speak to this man anymore. I sunk deeper into my seat, wishing it would swallow me whole. I should be so lucky.

"No. I never have."

"What name have you taken?"

"Not taken, given. Fowler. Bella Fowler."

Charlie growled and looked away from us. Tears fell from his face. My hands itched to engulf my father in a hug but my mind knew better. I couldn't trust this man. He left me before, so he'd probably do it again. But why did it hurt so much to see him in pain? I was seriously conflicted and didn't know how to clarify things.

"That's the biggest "fuck you" of all. Fowler? Another marriage, I assume." He said to himself, wiping away his tears. Charlie looked like he aged another ten years in our short conversation.

"It's on my birth certificate. Fowler is mom's maiden name. You should know that."

"Fowler isn't her last name, Bella. It's Higgenbotham."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

Charlie was wiping tears away with a napkin, mumbling things I couldn't hear. Carlisle, without uttering a single word passed me a hefty file. It was thick and had paper clips and staples sticking out. I instantly recognized his crisp handwriting on the cover. I looked down at it wide eyed and back to him again. He was letting me look at his notes? What exactly was I meant to be looking for? And what the hell was Charlie talking about? Of course Fowler was Renee's last name! Am I the only one that wasn't crazy right now?

_Wow, that's rich. _

_Shut up, inner monologue._

"What exactly am I looking for? I'm not really sure I understand what's happening here..."

"Just read the first few pages, sweetheart." Carlisle said to me softly. My breathing was so loud it was all I could hear. My hands were clammy and shaking as I slowly opened up the file. I was greeted with two birth certificates. I picked both up in separate hands and compared them.

I tried to laugh, but I couldn't. I was bitter as hell. Was all of this happening so God could have a good old laugh? Couldn't I be granted with just twenty four hours of happiness? Was that too much to ask for? For once, could _nothing_ go to shit? I felt like I was asking for so little and apparently it was too much to be granted.

"What the fuck is this?" I threw the paper's at Carlisle like they were diseased. If I were able to find the energy to throw up, I probably would have right then and there. I felt sick to my stomach. I stood up, ready to leave. I didn't want to hear or read anything else.

"Bella, please, just keep reading." Carlisle said patiently.

I don't know why I listened, but I did. I sat back down and pulled the file closer to me, reading page after page documents, letter's and inquiries to solicitors sent by Charlie. This wasn't my patient file – it was documentation of Charlie's search for me. I eventually found pages photocopies from Charlie's personal diary. I read for what felt like hours...maybe that amount of time did pass. The only sound coming from the table was the occasional ruffling of pages and gasps coming from my mouth. I blinked back my tears, sick to death of crying, my breath choking in my chest. I struggled to read Charlie's horrific handwriting, but hung on to each word in blotchy ink like it was the oxygen my shrivelling lungs desperately needed.

_19 June 1993,_

_I went to Chicago for my mother's funeral. I was walking through the busy streets with my luggage in hand, searching for the bus stop. That's when I saw her – Renee. In Chicago of all places! She was briskly walking down the street with a sleeping child in her arms. I didn't see her face, but I recognized her instantly. It was my Isabella. My baby._

_I ran after her, struggling with my luggage, yelling her name. When she turned around, I saw something I never expected to see._

_Renee's eyes were dead. Lifeless. There was nothing left of the woman I married. Nothing. Before I was able to issue her with a subpoena demanding visitation rights (hell, after that I wanted full custody of Isabella) she told me in a quiet, numb voice that if I ever take Bella away from her, she'd kill her. _

_I was momentarily frozen, left in shock at her words. She would kill our child? For what purpose? I couldn't decipher it. I lost her in my moment of lost thoughts, realizing that this wasn't about Bella. This was about Renee's past. It was haunting her, and I was afraid she'd take it out on our innocent daughter who did nothing wrong._

_I tried to yell out to my daughter, and for a moment I thought she woke up, looking for me. Maybe she recognized my voice somehow?_

_I need to find her. Before Renee really damages my baby._

"No." I choked on a sob.

"Bella I'm so sorry you had-"

"No. No. _No_! She told me... Renee... She told me... he didn't-" I couldn't speak anymore. I was sobbing and gasping for breath. Carlisle put his arm around me and let my cry on his shoulder. This was all too much. Why would Renee lie to me about Charlie? Why would she tell me that he never wanted me and that's why he left?

As much as I wanted to yell at both Carlisle and Charlie, to call them liars, I couldn't. I had physical evidence slapping me in the face. Carlisle knew this would be the only way I would give Charlie a chance... Physical proof. I continued to cry as I flipped back through the court documents, reading his letters to lawyers, the court documents they tried to issue against my mother. The last court document was last year, issued for her arrest.

"You wanted her arrested?" I asked Charlie weakly. He nodded his head slowly. I could tell he was uncomfortable. He didn't know what to do. I could see the conflict in his eyes.

"Bella your mother... Is mentally unstable. For years I have been trying to hunt her down, trying to get you away from her."

Hmm. I guess I was wrong. I _did _inherit something from my mother – insanity.

"What happened to her... Her past?"

I didn't hear what Charlie said because my eyes found a letter with my name on it. It wasn't Charlie's writing, but Carlisle's crisp script. I picked up the envelope. It was soft against my fingers. I was ready to open the letter when Carlisle put his hands over mine to stop me.

"Not right now, Bella."

"Why?"

"I want you to read that letter after Charlie has left, sweetheart. I just want it to be us two. We'll read it together."

I nodded my head, extremely curious, but patient enough to let it slide for a little longer. I took a deep breath and looked my father in the eyes. I slid my hand across the table, asking him to meet me halfway. He looked down at my outstretched hand and blinked furiously. He was trying not to cry. His rough, calloused fingers graced the top of my hand before he held onto it tightly.

"I'm sorry I was so mean to you." I whispered to him sadly. I really was. I remembered Alice's previous warnings of my mother and it all made sense now. It was things I refused to pick up about her. She was on the run from the law – that's why we constantly moved and she got married so frequently. But the question on my mind was, why did she go to so much trouble to cover her tracks? What was Renee Fow... Higgenbotham _really _running from?

"I wish I knew." Charlie said. I hadn't realized I'd spoken my thoughts aloud. I believed Charlie. I can't believe he had won me over so quickly... But there was still a long way to go for us. As bad is it may sound, he had to prove himself to me. I didn't want to take down the walls without being one hundred percent sure he wasn't going to leave again. I now believed his story, and I now knew why Edward and Carlisle were on his side. He had no reason to tell lies. Renee, however did, and now she had disappeared off the radar on her honeymoon to Hawaii.

"I want her arrested." Charlie said to Carlisle, his hand still over mine.

_Eleven twenty seven _

"Oh god," I said loudly, wanting to pull my hair out. I realized something that would change things. "Do any of us know of husband number seven's last last name?"

I watched Charlie's face turn dark purple. A blue vein was throbbing violently on Carlisle's forehead. We didn't know when and if Renee would ever return to Jacksonville. Our only bet was her dropping by to visit me. And even then, she rarely did. Charlie swore loudly and stood up quickly.

"Sue! I didn't realize what the time was. I forgot to tell her I wouldn't be home tonight. She must be worried sick."

"Sue?"

"Oh. Sue is my wife..."

"She doesn't know about me, does she?" I asked him quietly, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. This was all so much information to process in one day. I mean, I had only woken up early this morning from a three day coma! I must have been running on adrenaline, and now it was wearing out. I could feel every single muscle in my body aching. I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep. His face softened and he pulled me into a hug. I closed my eyes and let this feeling wash over me.

I was hugging my dad. He never abandoned me. He was torn away from me without choice. He looked for me for all these years. He loved me unconditionally. He spoke into my hair, his breath warm against my scalp. His words made me feel protected. It all felt so real now. He's here. He won't leave again.

"Of course she knows about you. It was one of the first things I said to her. _I have a beautiful daughter_." He laughed, my body shaking against his. "On days when I felt like giving up the search, she pushed me. She loves you too, Bells."

"But how can she love someone she's never met?"

"She felt like she knew you, Bells. She wanted you to be safe from your mother. She wanted you to be with us, happy and healthy."

"I wouldn't exactly say that I'm healthy... But... I'm happy right now. Are you?"

"You kiddin' me? I haven't felt this happy in sixteen years."

He let go of me reluctantly and looked at Carlisle seriously.

"I don't want to risk her coming back here. If she comes back she could hurt Bella once she finds out she knows everything."

"We'll make sure she's arrested on site immediately. Bella is safe here, Charlie. Remember no one can enter the ward without checking through reception downstairs first."

Charlie muttered something that sounded an awful lot like _ducking full mitt_. I smiled widely, feeling like a giddy child.

_You got his potty mouth, too_.

My life would never be the same after today. Events that have happened here would change all of us. To prove to me that he wasn't going to vanish, he gave me all of his contact details, including his home address and work phone number. He told me that he will be here in a heartbeat if I needed him. He was also leaving his documentation with me too. A reminder in case I went back into denial.

"I don't expect you to say it back to me, but I love you, Bells. Someday, I hope you'll love me too."

"It will happen someday, Dad. I promise."

It was midnight by the time Carlisle and I got back to the ward. I wondered how on earth Carlisle got away with me being out so late. I sat on my bed, grinning at the spare bed beside me where a sleeping Edward rested. His body was entangled between the sheets, a peaceful look on his face. He probably barely got away with being able to sleep in here tonight, and would have to move back into his room tomorrow.

Carlisle pulled a chair beside my bed and sat down. Springs squeaked and faux leather moaned into the quiet room. He passed me the letter he wrote to me and I don't know why, but I was terrified. I didn't make any attempt to open it. I just looked at him with wide eyes.

"I don't know if I can handle anything else today." I admitted. He nodded his head, his blue eyes showing nothing but understanding and compassion.

"I completely agree," he said to me. "But I know that if I made you wait until tomorrow you would have my balls in a grinder."

I lowered my voice, afraid to wake Edward up. He needed the sleep. "What time are you leaving here?"

"I'll leave if you need me to once you finish reading the letter."

"Oh." I mouthed.

_Now or never, Bella._

I tore through the tissue paper, opening a letter that was nearly two pages long. I let my eyes re-read each word Carlisle wrote to me until I could felt imprinted on my brain. I slowly looked up to him, black dots spotting my vision.

"Do you understand?"

"I... I think so..."

"Are you okay?"

"No. I'm definitely _not _okay." I said angrily. Renee, my mother, my flesh and blood, took every thing away for me, and for what? Was she satisfied with herself? I bet the sadistic bitch really is, and it repulsed me. I quickly stood up and wanted to hit something. Instead, I started pacing around my room. Carlisle's frantic eyes watched me in worry.

"No more." I said, more to myself than to Carlisle. "I won't let her take anything else away from me."

"Bella-"

"No," I held up a finger and he ceased speaking. I needed to let this out. "God, Carlisle. Today has been too much... Too much for my brain to handle, and yet I am thinking so rationally it scares the hell out of me." I sat down on my bed, sleep beckoning me. I wouldn't give in. Not yet. This was the beginning of the end for me. Could I sleep after a day like today? Probably not.

"But I promise you that if she runs away, Carlisle, I _will_ find her. If it takes the rest of my life, I will... And lord help her, because I won't be held accountable for my actions."


	10. Chapter 8: Misguided Ghosts

_A/N: As usual, a big, big thank you to the lovely **misstiggy **for motivating me without even realizing it. You get to find out more about Edward and Bella's pasts in this chapter. **WARNING: **This chapter is pretty graphic and dark but you'd expect that from me by now, right? Viewer discretion is advised... See you at the bottom!_

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing.**

_Chapter Song: Misguided Ghosts by Paramore  
_

* * *

_"I get mad at people who talk about traumatic job interviews, about going on one and getting rejected. I get rejected all the time and not only do I get rejected, but people have no problem being really specific about why I was rejected." _

**_- Julia Sweeney_**

* * *

"_Mom," I shook her lightly, trying to wake her up. She was laying __on the floor __face down in her own vomit and surrounded by __various __empty bottles of alcohol and__ crushed packets of __cigarettes. She began stirring beneath me, trying to fight her condition and move. She looked like a fish out of water, flapping and writhing __recklessly. My voice was filled with pain and worry. _

"_Mom, you need to wake up for me, okay?"_

_The stale smell of tobacco lingered in __the__ room, the smell of her filth clinging to my sinuses. I was trying desperately not to be sick and to just look after my mother. But I knew what was coming – it was what always happened every time she drank._

"_You!" My mother growled as she tried to stand up. She was still drunk and her words were slurred but still as sharp as a knife. "It's all your fucking fault!"_

_All I could do was sigh __as I pulled __out a bunch of tissues from my pocket. I began to wipe away the vomit from Renee's mouth while she continued to go off at me__, her arms flailing dangerously._

"_What is my fault, mom?" I asked my mother quietly, afraid to speak too loudly._

"_That Angus has left me! He left me because he couldn't handle having a nut job of a __step-daughte__r__. How could you be so selfish? How could you do this to me?"_

"_Angus didn't know about my depression, though." Tears stung my eyes, and for a moment I couldn't see through the wells in my eyes. I didn't bother to hide the hurt on my face. "Only my psychologist and now you."_

"_Of course he did! Who the hell doesn't know that you aren't normal? And you know what the bastard said to me? He said that I was to blame for your depression! He said this was all my fault! How dare he!" She glared at me as if __I had spa__t in her face. In Renee's mind, maybe I did. "So this __is all your fault. You're the reason why I am alone! You deserve to die!"_

_Renee's hand hit me like a thunderclap. I jumped at the intensity of it and fli__nched__ away from her. I slowly raised my hand and touched the place where Renee had hit me. I should have been used to her physical and __verbal a__buse, but I was still stunned every time it happened. I looked into my mother's eyes, finding no kindness or remorse in them. She meant what she said – she wanted me to die._

_I stood up and quickly walked out of the room. Renee stumbled behind me, still screaming obscenities._

"_I wish you were dead! You hear me, Isabella Fowler? I wish that the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, I killed you! You are the devil spawn! You are fucking sick!"_

_I quickly locked my bedroom door and walked into my bathroom. I looked myself in the mirror and hated the person looking back at me. That's when I saw my razor, glittering and tempting me._

"_If it's what you want, Renee." I whispered as I picked up the razor blade._

_Alice took the razor from my hand and looked at me, crushed with sorrow. Tears fell from her eyes freely. She took a step toward me. I was far from being surprised when Alice randomly turns up, but this was the first time I didn't want her here. I didn't want the guilt of leaving her plaguing me._

"_Don't do this." She said to me. "What about me? What do you think this is going to do to _me_, Bee?"_

"_How many times have you told me you're not real?" I hissed at her as I tried to grab the razor blade out of her hands. She glared at me, putting her hands behind her back._

"_I'm talking about the real me! This isn't your time yet, Bee. Don't make the biggest mistake of your life."_

"Bella?"

I jumped in fright, quickly realizing where I was. That was one hell of a dream...if I could really call it that. It was my past memory, back in time when I was fifteen years old and living in Arizona. It was my final day in that state, before my mother brought me to Seattle. My soft mattress squeaked in alarm as I rolled over to face the voice that was calling to me. I couldn't see a damn thing, the dim lighting didn't help anything. It was still dark outside and the stars illuminated my room like a backdrop. I pulled the sheets closer to me and sat up.

Through the gloom I could see a tall figure standing in the door way. I recognized his large, muscular build and buzz cut. I smiled, quickly realizing that he probably couldn't see me at all. I laughed nervously, hoping that it really was who I thought it was.

"Emmett," I said quietly said in recognition. I got out of the bed and walked beside him down the corridor.

Emmett was one of the nurses/guards of the ward and he was one of the nicest people I had ever had the privilege of meeting. He was a large man, nearly six foot seven with short black hair and breathtaking hazel eyes. When I first met him I was scared shitless of him, but once you get passed the large exterior, he is nothing but a soft touch. He is fiercely loyal to those he cares about and would jump through fire for them. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks because he just got married to a beautiful woman named Rosalie. I met her once and she was just as kind hearted as Emmett. They deserve the happiness that they have found and I couldn't be any more happy for him. Tonight must be when he resumed his work.

"You were calling out in your sleep. Nightmares again, little one?" He asked me with concern as we walked down the large corridor. I chuckled lightly, due to the fact that I was definitely _not_ little. I was above average height, standing at five foot seven. I nodded my head, putting my hands in my pockets. His hazel eyes were lighter than usual tonight and it looked like he was really concerned about something. I knew that he probably wouldn't tell me due to confidentiality, but there was no harm in trying anyway.

"Is everything all right, Emmett?"

"Your mother called the ward earlier." He said with anger. I stopped walking and felt like someone poured a bucket of ice water over my body. She called here? Does that mean she is coming here? Emmett read my facial expressions and the hard glint in his eye was momentarily gone. He smiled at me and he looked like a big, soft teddy bear. I smiled back at him and we resumed walking toward the recreational room.

I quickly realized that the staff must know about the situation with my mother and that was why Emmett looked so angry.

"Is she coming here?"

"Fuck no, she's not." He growled. "I won't let that crazy bitch anywhere near you, little one."

We sat down on the soft couch and stared at the television screen for several minutes.

"_Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it!"_

"_Okay. Give me some water!"_

"_Listen, you can run water over your hand and make it worse or... LOOK AT ME! Or you can use vinegar and neutralize the burn."_

"_Please let me have it... _Please!_"_

"_First you have to give up, first you have to _know_... not fear... _know_... that someday you're gonna die."_

"I shouldn't be letting you watch this." Emmett mumbled in annoyance. I laughed loudly and lifted my knee on the seat and rested my elbow on it. I rested my chin on the palm of my hand and looked over to him, amused.

"_Fight Club _is Edward's favorite book." I said, still smiling. "And it was my favorite movie long before I was admitted here. It's nothing I haven't seen before, teddy bear."

"Your mother let you watch this when you were a child? Christ, Bella!" He groaned.

"My mother didn't give a shit what I did, Emmett, just as long as I wasn't around to interfere with her many marriages."

"She wanted to come and see you today. She's in the Seattle area."

"_What_?" I almost yelled out. She's here? In light of all that has happened, what the fuck would happen if she actually got to see me? Would she know that I knew everything by the look on my face, or would I be a good enough liar to sucker her? I'd probably try to kill the woman if she tried that caring mother facade. It scared me to think that she was somewhere in the same city as me after all I know now. "Shit, I... Fuck! I have to call someone, Carlisle, or Charlie... I... I don't know-"

"Bella," His hand covered my mouth. I looked at him with wide, fearful eyes. I didn't know what the hell to do! "We were told to arrest her on sight. You don't need to worry about her getting to you."

"That's not what I'm worried about. I'm more worried about what _I'll _do to her. Have you tried to contact Carlisle or my... dad?"

"I've called Chief Swan." He ruffled my hair playfully. "He will come here once visiting hours resume, little one. Nearly shat a damn brick when I told him. He really loves you and wants to protect you, you know."

"I know... I'm very lucky despite the shitty circumstances."

I thought of Carlisle's letter that was still on the night stand in my room. It was like a constant dark cloud over my head, and the threat of rainfall was so intense I wanted to carry a metaphorical umbrella with me at all times. A storm was coming so soon, and I wasn't prepared. Even if I had all the time in the world, I don't think I ever could be.

"Do you believe in God, Emmett?"

His hazel eyes, now the color of amber looked at me in surprise. His platinum wedding band danced against the dim lighting of the room. The sun was now slowly beginning to peek its way through the horizon, a new day ready to begin. He shifted his body to face me. One thing I really liked about Emmett McCarty was that he knew when to joke around and when to be serious. Now was no exception. He looked extremely thoughtful, really thinking about my question before answering. We stared at each other for a few minutes, not feeling awkward, but strangely comforted.

"Do I believe in God?" He took a deep breath, his large chest rising. "I think I do. There has to be more to this life than simply existing, you know? All of these trials and tribulations can't all be for nothing. There has to be something after this."

"It sounds like you're afraid of nothingness after this life."

"Aren't you?"

I hesitated. "Absolutely, now that I have met Edward and Carlisle... And even you, Emmett. I couldn't even comprehend dying and thinking there is nothing afterward. I used to welcome the concept of death, beckoning my final breath... It didn't bother me that there might be nothing, because all I had was nothingness. But I believe that God gave me another chance at this life. I believe that that was God telling me to live my life the best I can and that when I eventually... die... There _is_ something after this life... that it's not all for nothing."

"You speak far too maturely for someone your age, little one. You know what I was doing when I was eighteen? I was getting drunk at frat parties, getting stoned, eating far too much shit and then vomiting in the Dean's hundred dollar pot plants."

We both laughed while Emmett continued to tell me about the mischief that he got up to in his teenage years, which involved nude runs on campus and how he met his now wife, Rosalie. He had done a lot of stupid shit, but he was still a beautiful person. I couldn't picture Emmett ever losing himself in the crowd. He still knew the difference between good and bad.

Was I upset that I wasn't doing this stuff? No, not really. I now believed that everything happened for a reason, and there is a reason why I am the way I am now.

"Someone please? Someone help me! I can't sleep!" A loud, shrill voice called from one of the bedrooms. Emmett groaned and I smiled innocently at him. I knew exactly who that voice was, for she called out almost every night. I yawned, wishing that I could have a few more hours sleep before I had to face one of the hardest possible day of my life, thanks to my mother.

"No one ever fucking helps me! Why are you doing this to me? Please!"

"Gaye," Emmett growled. As he stood up, he turned around to look at me. "Do you want a sleeping tablet, little one?"

"But wakeup call is in an hour and a half."

"Fuck that shit. You need the sleep. You've been through so much lately. I'll cover you." He winked at me and I laughed. While Emmett went to check on Gaye, I walked toward the front desk where the nurses and admin officers usually resided when they weren't tending to patients. Because it was now only five fifty in the morning, there were only two guards supervising the area. More nurses will be arriving before seven, when wakeup call is.

"Emmett said something about a sleeping tablet?" I asked Benton hopefully. He nodded his head, grinning and walking to the locked medicine closet. He placed two orange tablets in a tiny plastic cup and passed me a glass of water. I looked at the orange tablets, relieved that I would get to sleep just a little longer. Ten minutes later I was tucked in my hospital bed and cradled in the arms of sleep.

* * *

Edward and I were entwined together on a single mattress, desperately holding onto each other as if we were the last two surviving humans on earth. I woke up an hour and a half after I fell asleep and found him curled up beside me. The moment I looked into his eyes, my heart broke. The calm resolve that I had grown accustomed to was no longer there, and I was staring at a very vulnerable, beautiful, tortured spirit.

Edward had his head nestled against my neck and he cried silently. I repeatedly kissed his head of hair, wishing I knew what to do to help him get through this. I knew this moment would come, where our roles would be reversed and I would be the comforter, but it didn't make it any less easy to deal with...but I would, for him. I owed that to him and so much more.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked him in a near whisper.

I didn't want to push Edward into talking to me about something so personal. I knew he came here and told me that he wanted to talk, but saying and doing is an entirely different thing. He was about to share his demons with me, and it would be absolutely petrifying for him. But I would make sure that he knew I would be here afterwards. It doesn't matter what has happened, or what he would do – I would still be beside him, regardless.

"I want to share everything with you." He mumbled against my skin.

His lips brushed against my collarbone and I couldn't help but shiver at the contact. I was extremely aware of his hot breath against my neck and the way my body was in complete contact with his. I couldn't help but think I could do this, lay here with him, for the rest of my life.

"I can't really remember much of my childhood... but this memory is the most vivid one I have." Edward's voice was monotonous and as each word left his mouth, the further he would be on auto-pilot mode. His eyes were glazed and unfocused. He was reliving his traumatic moment – the moment that his life had changed forever. "At the time, my parents and I lived in Chicago. We were pretty well off, my dad was a lawyer and my mom was a high school teacher. They were fucking amazing, Bella. Pretty much the most hard working, decent people I had ever come across. I know my parents would have loved you."

I smiled sympathetically, letting Edward get this all off his chest. He needed this. He rubbed circles on my bare skin absentmindedly and I played with his hair, twirling strands around my fingertips. I overheard Edward mumbling something about his parents dying in a fire to someone, but he told me that wasn't true. He said he _wished_ that that was how they died. I'm afraid of fire and I wouldn't wish anyone to die that way.

"God, I remember everything about that night. It plays over and over in my mind like a fucking movie. A fucked up, psychotic movie... but it's real. There are no props, or camera crew."

"You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, Edward."

"No," he cut me off, his auto-pilot voice in full force now. "Did you know I have a f-fear of b-blood, Bella? Hemophobia, I believe the term is called. I repulse the sight of it. I can't d-deal with that shit. I just..." He trailed off and my mind was in shambles.

Edward has just told me he is afraid of blood – yet not even a week ago, he had cleaned my wounds. We watched the blood fall freely from my wrists and cleaned them without a sweat; all the while his fear was slapping him in the face repeatedly. Guilt crushed me brutally, and I couldn't breathe.

"Don't, Bella. I know what you're doing right now. You're feeling guilty over what happened a few days ago, right? Don't. Just don't, okay, because that will piss me off. I'm too pissed off with this world to deal with your guilt. You didn't know, okay?"

He moved his face from my neck and cupped my face in both of his hands. He made me look at him and his eyes were foreign and distant. I nodded my head, unable to speak; momentarily scared of the person I was looking at. I had to keep reminding myself that this was the other side of Edward, the dark side that had a reason for why he was there. It was just a part of him. When he realized I was nodding, he smiled although it did not reach his eyes and kissed my forehead before speaking again.

The foreign eyes didn't dissipate once.

"It was Halloween. The irony doesn't s-slip past me, believe me. Dad and I went out for trick or treating. I came back with b-bucket loads of candy. Mom dressed me up as Peter Pan. Every Halloween, my parents let me stay up until eleven, even if it was a school night. It was like a gift from God or something." He laughed bitterly, furiously wiping away his fallen tears. "It was exactly ten forty five when there was a knock at the door. Mom assumed it was more trick or treaters and was at the door in an instant with a plastic pumpkin filled with assorted candy. They...they..." His body was shaking in tremors, and his voice was filled with anguish and despair. My Edward was crying loudly, not caring if anyone heard or saw us, for we were in our own world, where our pain was shared. I was sad because he was. I rocked him gently in my arms, letting him cry as much as he needed to, not speaking and letting him take his time. I was scared about where this conversation was heading, but part of me already knew.

"They fucking slit her throat, Bella. They didn't even hesitate, didn't flinch at the sight of the life they had taken. Dad screamed at me to get out of the house and run to the neighbors, but I couldn't. I was frozen at the sight of my mother, staring vacantly at the ceiling in a pool of her own blood. If there was any comfort at all from that, it's that she didn't suffer for too long. My d-dad…

h-he sacrificed himself to save me. There were three of them and one of him, and he had to protect his fucking pathetic, shell shocked piece of scum that was his son. They weren't as kind with him."

Oh, God. I could feel the blood boiling in my veins and bile rising in my throat. How can there be people like that in the world? Why are there people who enjoy inflicting pain on each other? I can't imagine ever harming another person for amusement. There are evil people in this world. Evil, despicable, cold and calculating people who didn't deserve to walk among decent people like Edward and his parents. What do they have to gain with monstrous acts like this, and scarring those who survive? No wonder Edward is the way he is now. Anyone would be after witnessing what he had.

"Our house alarm was blaring, but I couldn't hear it. They didn't touch me at all, didn't harm me in any way. But they knew I was there. One of them even looked me in the eye as he plunged his knife into my father's chest. A family happened to be walking by at the time, and came to see if everything was okay. That's when those burglars ran for it. There was blood everywhere and I couldn't stop screaming. I didn't sleep for days afterward. And I never spoke a word

for thirteen years. I swear, Bella, if I ever see any of them on the street again-"

"Don't. Don't even say it." I cut him off, pulling him closer to me. I wanted to steal all of his pain and make it my own. Edward didn't deserve this. His parent's sure as hell didn't deserve the fate that was dealt to them. Times like these, it made me really hate people and how crudely we treat each other.

"Edward, I am so, so sorry for what you went through. For what your parents went through. But what they did, Edward, was fucking vile. That doesn't even begin to cover it. There are words that don't even match the level of what you saw that night. They deserve the most painful death in existence, but it won't be at your hands. Don't say it will be. Please."

"I can't promise you that." He said blankly.

"Edward Anthony Masen, they will get what is coming to them... That is if they haven't already, which I can pretty much guarantee they would have. Remember our talk about karma all those weeks ago? You told me you believe that what goes around comes around?"

"Where was my parent's karma, Isabella?" He said coldly. I stopped breathing. Edward has never spoken to me this way before. "They fucking bent over backwards to accommodate to others needs! They never _ever_ asked for anything in return! They worked their asses off and never complained. My mother died for no fucking reason and my dad died to save me. _Where is their karma_?"

"I don't know," I rasped. My throat felt so dry, each word felt like sandpaper rubbing against it. "I know that nothing I can say will ever take away what happened. But would your parents want you to seek revenge for them? Would they want you to have this hate deep within you? Because from what you have told me, that would be the last thing they want. If you harm them, like they did you, that makes you no better than them. Please don't even think thoughts like that. You are so much better than that, Edward."

"You don't know me at all." His voice could have frozen me in my place for the rest of eternity. I furiously blinked away tears, snapping my open mouth shut.

I didn't bother to speak anymore, because I knew anything I said to him would be turned against me. I knew this from personal experience. It was a card that my mother pulled on me all the time during her drunken fights with me. We stared at each other coldly, the warmth of our bodies against each other not enough to block the cold stares.

He pulled away from me and quickly got up from the bed. I knew I should have told him to stay, to just cool off, but I couldn't speak. I watched him walk out of the room without looking back.

"I love you." I said to him quietly as I heard my door slam shut.

* * *

_A/N.. again: Okay so i'm still getting plenty of alerts and views but not many reviews. To the new alerters... HI! *waves* While I don't expect people to review and am very thankful for those who do, drop and line, man. You can even leave one word and it'll make me squee. The more reviews I get, the faster the next chapter will be up.. Sooo.. GO! We're also nearing the end of this story, 3-4 chapters to go. *wipes away tear*_


	11. Chapter 9: The Bright Side of Suffering

_A/N: As usual, thank you to my lovely BETA **misstiggy**__. So for the past week I've been in bed with a depressing combination of the flu and bronchitis, and the only good side to it is that I managed to write three chapters in under a week. Hurray! Prepare your umbrella's my dears, the storm is about to hit._

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing.  
**_Chapter Song: The Bright Side of Suffering by Scary Kids Scaring Kids_**  
**

* * *

"_You're going to go on living. Because living is the challenge, Josie. Dying is so easy._  
_Sometimes it only takes ten seconds to die. But living? That can take you eighty years and you_  
_do something in that time, whether it's giving birth to a baby or being a housewife or a barrister or_  
_a soldier. You've accomplished something. To throw that away at such a young age, to have no_  
_hope, is the biggest tragedy."_

_- Looking for Alibrandi by Melina Marchetta__  
_

* * *

**Carlisle POV:**

I drove in silence and saw the outlining of Seattle upon the horizon. We were now on the outskirts of the large city, buildings rising from the ground and towering above us in the sky. It was almost nine am and none of us had had enough sleep, if we'd slept at all.

Esme looked at me with concern. "You didn't sleep did you? You look like you're about to pass out, sweetie."

"Nothing a cup or two of coffee won't fix." I tried to smile but it must have looked like a grimace in her eyes.

Charlie's voice sounded from the backseat. It was the first time he had spoken since we got in the car at six am. "That Emmett kid sounded as pissed off as I felt when he told me that Renee called the ward last night. S'nice to know that there are others in the ward that care for Bella, too. If Renee even so much as thinks about going to the ward today, I'll arrest her so fast she won't even have time to blink."

I didn't avert my eyes from the road but I was secretly seething. I had already known this fact; Charlie called me a two am when he received the call from Emmett. I didn't even attempt to sleep afterward and I knew that if I tried, I would have failed. But I didn't tell Esme. I didn't want her to suffer with me. I could feel her eyes on me, accusing. She had to know that I didn't tell her to protect her and the baby – right?

"What did Renee say to Emmett?"

"That she wanted to see Bella. When Emmett refused without reason, she began to babble on like she usually did. It's apparent she hasn't changed much in that sense. Always fucking complaining about something." Charlie mumbled in distaste.

"I have a feeling she will be turning up regardless when visiting hours begin."

"At twelve? Are you sure about this, Carlisle?" Esme whispered, concerned.

"I'm certain of it."

"And that's why you didn't sleep last night, isn't it?"

I sighed, deciding there's no point in lying when she could see right through me regardless.

"Yes."

When I had arrived home last night, I had given Esme the patient file for Bella. She was appointed as Bella's case worker. At the time I thought it was a blessing in disguise. Now I just didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I didn't want to drag Esme into this, but she had a right to know about Bella. Of course she did. I kept this from her long enough and it killed me to look her in the eye all the time when I knew the truth and acted like nothing was wrong. Last night, the air was cleared and I was brutally honest. We fought and cried for hours and then tried to figure out what would be the best for Bella.

"Are you going to let Bella see her?" Esme's voice broke softly when she said Bella's name. I knew my wife better than anyone in this world, and I knew that Charlie wouldn't have detected the second of agony that escaped my wife's lips.

"Of course not!" Charlie's gruff voice bellowed from the backseat. "Over my dead body!"

"It's Bella's choice." I said as I turned the car into the Seattle Hospital car park. I wanted to hit my head against the wheel as we dealt with the tedious task of trying to find a parking spot.

"That woman is dangerous, Carlisle." Esme said to me in panic. "My god, the damage that she has already been done to poor Bella!"

She reached for a tissue in her pocket and wiped her tear stained eyes. I knew Esme blamed herself for Bella's decline, but how could she? This, in the end, had nothing to do with any of us. It all came down to Renee and her years of neglect and abuse toward a beautiful, innocent, intellectual teenage girl.

I finally found a parking space and decided to reverse in. Glancing over the driver's chair, all I could see was Charlie's large build. He was looking out the window, and I knew what he was doing. He was subconsciously searching the entire area with his two eyes, searching the deserted spaces of cars for the short, blond haired woman that ruined his daughter's childhood life.

Esme turned to face me, her eyes wide with fear.

"I... I don't know if I can do this." She admitted to me. I held her hand tightly, not speaking for the time being. She closed her eyes and leaned back into the passenger's seat. Charlie, impatient as always, quickly got out of the car and immediately lit a cigarette.

"You can do this, Esme Cullen," I told her with complete honesty. "You can do this...for Bella. She needs you."

"Oh, the things she has been through..." A soft sob erupted from her chest. "She has been through hell for no reason."

"And that is exactly why we will all be there for her, love. If Renee comes here today, we will be with her every step of the way. She won't be alone any longer."

She nodded her head, grabbing her purse and stepping out of the car. I looked over to the backseat and my heart felt like it was sitting in my throat and threatening to escape out of my mouth. I was suddenly getting an extreme case of cold feet and needed to snap out of it urgently. My mind thought back to just six hours ago, when I returned home to tell Esme the news about Bella.

_I finally arrived home at three thirty in the morning, exhausted both physically and emotionally. The letter I had given to Bella went into detail about her mother's past, but I left out one vital point which I almost told her. I wanted Bella to know about the secret I begrudgingly held from her, but it was not time to tell her yet. I would not be able to until Esme had her file._

_I thought it was some divine being giving us a sign that out of all of the case workers in the Seattle area, that my wife was chosen. This had to be a sign that things would get better for Bella. But before things could get better, they would get worse. I was almost certain that the next few weeks, if not months would be absolute torture, but it had to get better at some point. It just had to._

_As I entered my home I noticed noise from the lounge room. Esme must have waited up for me. I held onto Bella's file protectively, almost reluctant to __hand it over to__ my wife. When I walked into the room her eyes found mine and she smiled nervously. She had a large bowl in her lap filled with assorted candy. I raised an eyebrow and she chuckled._

"_All Reese's pieces and peanut butter cups. Can you believe it? I hate peanut butter. This baby's making me want things I don't normally eat."_

"_Blame the baby." I teased, but really, I was straining with the playfulness. My mind was elsewhere and she knew it. She patted the seat beside her and turned down the television. I couldn't stop thinking about Charlie's phone call to me on the drive home, about Renee being back in Seattle. I was a ball of nerves waiting to explode. If something happened to Bella, I __didn't __know what I'd do._

_I'd have to resign as her psychiatrist soon. This case has gotten far too personal._

"_I never told you the baby names I have chosen."_

"_Oh yeah? What do you have in mind, sweetheart?"_

_She slowly chewed the peanut butter cup, her brow wrinkled in concentration. She was so beautiful. I don't know what I had done to ever deserve such a beautiful soul in my life, but I was thanking my lucky stars._

"_Well if it's a boy, that's up to you. But I was thinking we should have Edward's name in it. He's like our son anyway." I grinned, nodding my head. I know that Edward would be touched as such a gesture and I would be honored to have my son take his name. Esme's face suddenly turned serious. She looked so sad. "And if it's a girl, I want to name her after her... Isabella Marie."_

_I think for a few moments I had forgotten to breathe. This was precisely what I was wanting to talk to Esme about... Bella. Her name snapped me back into reality._

"_I have something I need you to look at, honey."_

_I passed her Isabella's file shakily. She looked at me in confusion but didn't question me. She read the details on the front page, not sure where I was going with this._

"_What a coincidence. Her name is Isabella...this is the file you wanted me to see? My new file?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Isabella Fowler. Eighteen years old. Red label, so a high case. She must have self harmed or attempted suicide for her file to be referred to me. Referred three years ago. Hmm." She opened __the file and began reading through the outline of her case, where she wouldn't find the details she needed. But I knew Esme. She would dissect this file inside and out, and find the best way to help the patient. She believed that she needed to know every detail otherwise she couldn't help them. That was something__ I infinitely l__oved about my wife, her ability to care about people from all walks of life as if they shared the same blood._

"_She had visual hallucinations for several years and occasional audio hallucinations. All realistic. She believed the person talking to her was real... Hmmm... Occasional psychotic episodes... Several suicide attempts, the most recent... Just days ago." She took in a sharp intake of breath, shaking her head. "The poor girl. I hope I can help her."_

_She began to read extensively through Bella's file, taking in __every__word. The only sounds coming from the room __were the turning of a page o__r the occasional hum or sigh as she read about Bella's time in the hospital. Esme was nothing, if not efficient in her line of work._

"_Reluctant to divulge in past events... So she never spoke of her past to anyone? Have you gotten the details from her parents?"_

"_She hasn't spoken to me yet about what happened in her past, then again I've only been assigned to her case for under a year. She did speak to Dr. Lang from the adolescent team about her past, but it was strictly off the record. He did leave hints now and then in his file notes."_

"_His notes are very different to yours... He's written that she has acculturation difficulty, severe agoraphobia and confabulation, regression, he also suspected that she has bipolar disorder, repetition compulsion and mild schizophrenia due to her hallucinations...__ It s__ounds like they couldn't make a proper diagnosis of her condition."_

"_She has made significant improvements in recent months. After getting to know Isabella, even conside__ring the likes of rep__etition compulsion is completely absurd. She definitely does not take __pleasure in re-enacting the traumatic event in her past. Her visual hallucinations are rare now, and her agoraphobia is under control. She is able to maintain physical contact with people without working herself up into a frenzy, which used to happen quite frequently. We have Edward to thank for her significant improvement."_

"_Edward has a girlfriend?" She grinned at me. "About time he found someone. I'm sure she's amazing. Wait a minute... Is this the Isabella you got the bracelet for?"_

"_She is."_

"_I can't wait to meet her, then. I'm sure I'll love her."_

_For another half an hour, Esme sifted through the large file and I stared mindlessly at our television that was now on mute. I wondered where Renee was right now, and what her intentions were with Bella. Would she try and harm her once she knew that Bella knew the truth? I wondered whether she would be able to get pas__t __t__he security measures we had enforced._

_Don't think ridiculous things…_

_But she was cunning enough to be capable of something like that..._

_I felt Esme stiffen beside me. I quickly looked at her and saw that she was now chalk white. I felt my heart sink to my stomach. This was it... the moment where the bomb has dropped. She knew. She had to know now._

_When Charlie had sent me Bella's details, the pieces had starting falling into place. I quickly (or slowly, depended which way you looked at it) realized that the Isabella that was in Seattle hospital was the same Isabella that had haunted Esme's dreams for years. She knew Bella when she was a child, before she took a turn for the worst and she loved her dearly. She even considered__ Bella__her soul daughter. Esme had never told me Bella's middle or last name. My suspicions were now confirmed._

"_Her name is Isabella Marie." She gasped. I didn't move from my spot, afraid of what her reaction would be next. Not once in the entire time we had been together did I not know what Esme was thinking by looking at her. I was worried beyond belief._

_Her eyes snapped to mine, accusing and hurt._

"_Is this some kind of joke, Carlisle?"_

_I knew that she didn't mean what she said, but it didn't stop it from hurting me. I tried not to show the hurt in my voice as I answered her calmly. I could barely process the sound of our grandfather clock chiming somewhere in the back of my mind, signaling that it was now four am._

"_I would never do something to intentionally hurt you."_

"_Is... is there a birth certificate in this file?" She whispered with tears in her eyes._

_Wordlessly I flipped through the pages of the file I knew off by heart until I found the two separate birth certificates that my wife requested. She took them in her hands and read through them several times, her face becoming paler and paler with each word her eyes took in._

_This was a bad idea. A really stupid idea. I should have expected this reaction from her, hell; I should have protected her from it. What kind of husband was I to do this to my pregnant wife? Imagine the stress she must have right now. Slowly, her head lifted to meet my anxious stare. Two single tears fell from her angelic eyes._

"_This is Charlie's daughter?" She asked me in disbelief._

"_The daughter he has been looking for for sixteen years. Isabella Marie Swan."_

"_No," She pushed the file away and stood up quickly, sending the bowl to the ground. The contents spilled freely onto our Persian rug. She didn't take notice and stepped over Reese's pieces and began pacing. "This can't be right. No, it can't be here. The same Isabella that I knew all these years ago is Charlie Swan's daughter? Renee..." She stopped pacing and a eerie calm came over her. "Of course... That lying bitch!"_

"_Renee is mentally unstable, sweetheart."_

"_I knew that already!" She yelled at me. "Oh god! She was right under our noses the entire time and yet I thought I had lost her forever! I loved Bella as if she shared my blood, Carlisle. I took care of her cuts and bruises and desperately tried to mend the damage her mother inflicted on her for months before she disappeared. I know perfectly well of what Renee Williams is capable of."_

"_Williams is an alias name. Her real name is Renee Higgenbotham."_

_Her eyes darkened several shades. "I shouldn't be surprised. That woman is evil. Oh god," she looked up at the ceiling and I watched helplessly as tears fell from her face at an alarmingly rapid rate. "The damage that despicable woman has done to such an innocent child."_

"_Esme, sweetheart," I stood beside her, holding her. I was about to tell her the hardest thing I was ever about to say. I was fearful of her reaction. "There's something else I need to tell you."_

_My beautiful wife nodded her head, but her mind was somewhere else._

"_Bella thinks Alice is dead."_

"This is for Bella." I whispered to myself.

I got out of the car and walked over to the back seat door, where Esme was now kneeling. I knelt beside her and placed a hand on the sleeping girl's hand. She stirred before staring at me lucidly.

"We're here already?" She asked me. I nodded my head, desperately trying to fight tears from falling.

"We're here, Alice."

She quickly unbuckled her seatbelt and jumped out of the car with her large purse slung over her tiny shoulder. She was walking as fast as her tiny legs could take her. We walked briskly toward the hospital entrance. Esme's arm was wrapped around Alice's protectively and my hand was in hers. Charlie was already at the entrance waiting for our arrival.

We walked to the lifts without words and tension was thick in the air.

"What's she like, dad?" Alice's melodic voice asked me softly. Her grey eyes were as dark as rain clouds, filled with trouble and worry. I was once again loathing my stupidity for not picking up the description Bella gave me of Alice before. All the while, as both parties were suffering, I was the link. I hated myself for taking so long to figure it all out.

"She's marvelous, Alice. She looks a lot like Papa Swan over there. She is such a strong young woman who has this amazing potential to be such a powerful figure in this world... But she doesn't see it. She's a lot taller than you, too. So don't get your hopes up in that aspect."

She glared at me playfully. "Everyone's taller than me, dad."

We all laughed but abruptly stopped once the lift opened. We all stepped in and were too anxious to speak as I used my swipe card to get us on the level of ward c-four.

"Would she even want to see us?" Alice asked me fearfully. I was suddenly reminded of the ten year old girl that I met eight years ago, afraid of rejection and of letting people get too close to her. Alice Brandon Cullen was a very independent young woman, but when Bella, her boyfriend named Jasper or her mother was involved, she turned into a frightened, vulnerable child. It broke my heart.

"There is no doubt in my mind that she would give anything to see you again, Alice."

"We've wasted so much time." Esme whispered to herself in dismay. I pulled her closer to me as the lift doors closed.

"Bella doesn't blame you or Alice for this." I told her honestly. As the lift doors opened, Alice walked ahead with Charlie, her raven hair shaking in disapproval. I was pretty sure her mother and her were along the same wavelength of thought in that moment.

"Well she should blame me. I should have tried harder to get her away from Renee. I knew exactly what she was capable of. She was right under our noses all these years and we didn't realize. She should hate us after this. She most certainly has every right to."

"But she doesn't sweetheart. If anything she blames herself for this tragic situation."

"Does she know about Alice and I?"

When I didn't answer she stopped walking and looked at me in shock and disbelief. I don't know what she saw in my eyes but it made me incredibly uneasy.

"You haven't told her we are alive and actually real? And here we are, about to turn her world upside down? Carlisle, we can't do this to her!"I swiped my card and we all entered ward c-four cautiously. I quickly walked us to my office and opened the door, ushering everyone in.

"She can handle this. I wouldn't be doing this unless I believed it." But I didn't know who I was trying harder to convince – my wife or myself.

* * *

**Bella POV:**

I knew that I shouldn't be upset at Edward's words, because this wasn't really him talking to me at the moment. I saw the signs from the beginning; the monotonous voice, his foreign eyes and stiff posture, but it still didn't stop it from hurting me. I was used to the trash that people talked and the way that their words could be sharp as daggers, but as naive as it sounds – I never expected it from Edward.

But I'll be damned if I let this hiccup push him away from me.

As I stood up to chase him, he came back into my room and leaned against the door. He was as still as a statue. I quickly walked to him and stood directly in front of him. My body was nearly visibly humming and the magnetic pull was in overdrive. I pressed my body against his and wrapped my arms around him. My right hand moved to cover his heart.

"Say it again." He told me.

"I love you."

"Again."

"I love you." My fists balled his cotton t-shirt. "This heart... is pure. You have seen things that no eyes should ever see, and yet here you stand today. If there is one thing I have learned about you, Edward, it's that you let yourself suffer alone. But you don't have to do that anymore. Share the load with me... Please."

I decided to lay my heart on the line, and this would either work or backfire in my face. Either way, it wouldn't stop me. Life is too short to be uncertain or afraid. I slowly looked up to his eyes and gasped. _He's so damn beautiful..._

"Share it all with me... The tears, the bad, the joy, the stupid and ridiculously random moments... Share it all with me..." His hand covered mine over his heart. His large hand gripped mine tightly and he pulled me into a hug.

"We both have our demons, Edward... And I know that with you I can face mine. I just hope that someday you will know that I will be here, ready to fight your demons with you. I want you to know that I would do anything for you and it's because I love you."

Edward's mouth met mine in a frenzy. He kissed me roughly and passionately, each touch, each movement he made was his way of telling me that he felt the same way. I had never been kissed so intensely before, and it made all my senses hypersensitive. He flipped us around so that I was against the door and his lips quickly found my neck.

"The moment I saw you," _kiss_ "I knew that you," _kiss _"were my reason for living again." _kiss_.

Our touching moment was disrupted by banging on my door. I peeped through the thin glass cutting and saw Emmett looking at Edward and me as if we had spawned mutant babies. When he thought I looked away, he mouthed _niceeeee_ to my boyfriend.

Five minutes later we were seated at the dining table for breakfast. I felt fucking euphoric.

Edward kept pressing his mouth to my ear at random times to tell me he loved me, or that I shouldn't eat tinned fruit because it tastes like shit, or that I was so damn beautiful. He definitely made me feel beautiful. Only Edward made me feel like I was worth existing in this world. As I began to smear marmalade over my toast I heard my name being called.

"Doctor Cullen!" I exclaimed. What on earth was he doing here? He was meant to be on a break with his wife for New Year. I dropped my toast and it landed on my black tights. I glared at the stained butter and marmalade on my tights and then froze as I was wiping it away.

Oh god, my mother's here! She has to be!

"Bella, I need to speak with you urgently." The seriousness in Carlisle's voice scared me, but I nodded and immediately walked over to him. As I walked away with him I turned my head to look at Edward. He was mouthing '_what the fuck?_' and I shrugged.

It looked like Carlisle hadn't slept at all since our discussion last night. He didn't walk me toward our counseling room, but toward his personal office. I had only ever been in here once before, and that was the day I met him months ago. Before he opened the door he turned and looked me right in the eye. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked as if he was trying desperately not to cry.

"Carlisle... Are you okay?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I'm scared." his honesty stunned me. He did something that completely shocked me - he pulled me into a hug. I patted his back as I felt wet tears soak through my t-shirt. Now I was really scared. My psychiatrist was crying on my shoulder. What the hell has happened to make him this way? Did my mother do something? Is Charlie okay? I could feel my breathing beginning to come out in rapid breaths.

"I'm scared because you're scared." I whispered truthfully. He pulled away from me and looked to his wooden door with his name placed on a glass frame in the middle. I could see figures seated, but couldn't make them out. The glass was tinted. They were looking at where Carlisle and I were standing, separated by wood, metal and glass. Could they hear us right now?

"Do you trust me, Bella?"

"Of course." I said without hesitation.

"This..." I watched tears fall freely from his blue eyes. His nose was beginning to turn red. I had a feeling he had been crying a lot in recent hours. "What I am about to show you will shock you... You'll be furious, sad, happy and confused all at the same time... Are you ready for this?"

"Do I have a choice?" I asked him seriously.

"You always have a choice, Bella."

"I'm strangely touched by that statement, Cullen."

He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. I decided to take matters into my own hands and I opened the door to Carlisle's personal office, stepping in before I could change my mind.


	12. Chapter 10 P1: Hearing Damage

_A/N: Hi all *waves* ... Happy 2 months! So I'm uploading this chapter about two weeks ahead of when I originally planned, but oh well. You're welcome :p No point in prolonging the inevitable, and that's the end of this story. We just have 1 chapter and the epilogue to go after this, my friends. As always, endless love and thanks to my BETA **misstiggy **for being an editing machine! 3 Can you believe she edited 3 chapters I sent her in a day? Machine, I tell ya. I really recommend that you play the chapter songs for these chapters, as they were exactly what I listened to while writing. Creates the perfect story atmosphere ;)  
_

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing  
**

_Chapter Songs:_  
_Part I: Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke_  
_Part II: Sunburn by Muse  
_

* * *

_"All children have to be deceived if they are to grow up without trauma."_

_- Kazuo Ishiguro_

* * *

The first thing I noticed when I entered the confined space that was Carlisle Cullen's personal office was that there was tension in the air. Shit, who was I kidding – you could cut the tension with a knife, butter it on bread and serve at the hospital diner. I quickly found Charlie's face and something was just...off. He was not looking at me and was completely unaware of my stare. To say that he looked anxious would have been a major understatement. Although I had only met Charlie once, I knew what he looked like when he was uncomfortable – I made sure our first meeting in sixteen years was just that... But this was on a different scale.

I looked behind me to see Carlisle's expression, and I felt overwhelmed and fearful. Why wasn't anyone saying anything? Just like Charlie, Carlisle's eyes were averted elsewhere.

And that's when I heard a gasp quickly followed by the gentle whisper of my name from the opposite side of the room. Why did that faint whisper sound so foreign, yet so familiar? It unnerved me in a way I never thought possible.

I jumped back like I had been electrocuted. I stumbled back into Carlisle's chest when I saw her.

She looked exactly like I remembered – the warm, gentle face that was genetically blessed with flawlessness and vibrant, welcoming eyes. I immediately felt grief crush me as I saw her holding a tissue to her eye and a hand over her heart.

Could she feel it too? As if her heart just shattered into a million pieces?

Just watching her, remembering her was almost too much to bear. I had finally been overloaded with all of these revelations that had been placed before me since my suicide attempt. I must have snapped and had begun to hallucinate again. I had taken one step forward and nine back. I was destined for insanity. I was a fool to think otherwise.

That's all she is...a hallucination.

_She's not real._

I rubbed my eyes as hard as I could before I peeked through my spread fingertips.

She was still there.

"Shit," I said in disbelief. "Carlisle, I think... I have to be... Shit, I'm hallucinating again. It's... It's her... Mama Pratt."

The woman that looked after me for so many years, the woman that I considered to be my _real_ mother sobbed loudly and ran to me. Before I had time to even grip the realization of the new figment of my imagination, she took me in her arms like the guardian angel I remembered her to be.

"She feels so real." I whispered.

She smelt of honey and cinnamon and her soft hair brushed against my cheek like a stolen kiss.

_She's real._

_She's alive._

_She's here... in Seattle... holding me._

"Whoa there, don't overload her, Esme," Charlie told her as he joined our embrace. I wanted to scream at him to get away from me, but I couldn't find my voice. I was struggling to breathe and it felt like my lungs were going to collapse on me. It was as if I had been running for days with no break or nourishment. My dazed eyes slowly registered that Charlie wasn't joining in on this hug, but was holding me upright. I was complete dead weight and was about to drag Mama Pratt down with me.

Charlie practically carried me to Charlie's leather love seat beneath the window. I wished that the windows could open so I could have some fresh air. I longed for the crisp Seattle air like a junkie needed his heroin. I felt sick to my stomach. My mind was completely scrambled and I don't know if it would ever be normal again after this. Was this why Carlisle cried and why Charlie looked so complacent? It wasn't because of my mother? My eyes shot to the only female in the room besides myself and I felt my heart break into a million pieces all over again.

"Let me take a look at you." She whispered as she sat beside me. I looked at her, still unable to find the words to speak. There was so much I wanted to say to her, but I didn't know where to fucking start. I looked into her tear stained eyes and a gut wrenching cry exploded deep within me. Carlisle was at my side immediately, whispering something to Esme before she reluctantly moved away from me. He took her spot immediately and my blurry eyes followed her every movement. Although my eyes wouldn't leave her face, I felt like I had lost my childhood innocence all over again. All these years...all these goddamn years I was lead to believe Esme and her daughter, Alice never existed.

I felt every muscle in my body tense so tightly I cried out in pain.

With each freckle, beauty spot, each new thing I took in on Esme's face, the anger and hate inside me intensified until the point where it would become a fucking hazard. I stopped breathing.

Carlisle's arm was around my shoulders, and I was lost for words. I had abruptly stopped crying and I could feel the scowl on my face. Maybe it would be a permanent feature on me after this.

"They only had diet Pepsi, mom, I hope you don't-" the sound of crashing soda can's ricochet off the four walls and all eyes went to the door where a teenage girl stared at me in horror.

I stood up immediately and involuntarily and gaped at her... at Alice.

I couldn't believe how my mind had conjured up my imaginary Alice to look so fucking familiar to the girl that was standing across the room from me. She had the same vivacious grey eyes and tiny build. She held herself in the same manner and her eyes darkened with sudden, deep emotion she felt at the time. The only difference was the hair. She had pixie hair, extremely short, unruly, yet perfectly manicured. Alice slowly moved toward me, caution in each step she took. The room was deathly silent. Unlike what I did with Esme, I matched each step Alice took.

This could all be a dream (I had dreamed of a miraculous reunion with Alice and her mother so many times I couldn't even tell you an estimation of the number) but deep down in my heart of hearts I knew that it was a load of horse shit. Esme and Alice were in this room with me right now, confirming the suspicion and proof that Renee was a filthy, lying, monstrous creature.

Alice gripped my hand as if she had to feel I was real. Her fingers felt like silk against my calloused fingers. She wept silently and I wondered whether she was as overwhelmed as I was right now. Could I even use overwhelmed as the correct word? That felt like such an understatement, it was illegal.

"I... I watched you die." I could barely say.

I looked down at Alice's hands, taking in her scarred hands and forearms. The fire. She has the reminder of that night with her with each passing second for the rest of her life.

"I don't understand how this is even possible..."

"I'm not surprised." Her voice replied. I was almost knocked off my feet by the sound of her chime like voice. I remembered my imaginary Alice, and the way her voice was like music to my ears... But this...this was too much.

_I can't handle this._

I could taste the bitter bite of bile forming at the base of my throat and the stinging of my eye balls. It honestly felt like all I had done recently was cry and vomit. My body couldn't take much more of this anymore than my pathetic mind could.

I stepped away from Alice and abruptly let go of her hands. I ignored the look of rejection on her face.

"I watched you die in that fire." I said more loudly this time.

"Bella,"

"This is too much. Too much. Too fucking much." I wiped my sweaty palms on my baggy jumper and tried desperately to clamp shut the coiling feeling deep in my chest. But the anxiety was winning with each breath I tried to take. Each breath I took wasn't enough for my pleading, constricting lungs.

Before I could take another breath, black spots filled my vision and my weak body met the unforgiving floor as darkness greeted me.

* * *

"She's so pale..."

"We should move her to a ward, Carlisle,"

"No. just let her mind rest. She has gone through far too much these past few days. I'm surprised that it has taken so much for her to break. Anyone would after the things she has discovered about her life."

"You're right... Of course you're right." Esme's voice whispered.

I think my heart just busted out of my chest. All that is Holy! Esme was really here. That had to mean that Alice was in here somewhere, too. I didn't dream that reunion at all... Oh shit, I think I'm going to faint again.

"But she's been unconscious for a long time. Three and a half hours!"

"Charlie," Carlisle growled. I was stunned. Carlisle _never_ loses his cool. Ever. Even with my mother he kept his cool even while he knew the truth. "I know what I am doing."

"You said she'd be okay with this meeting!"

"Would you care to refresh my memory to the occasion where I said that? I never said that. Not once. I did, however, say that I think she could handle this. And I still stand by my decision. She has handled this exceptionally and I apologize if this is somewhat of an inconvenience to you because it wasn't the reaction you expected."

Ouch. Remind me never to get on Carlisle's bad side, brain.

_Mental note taken. Don't piss off the Cullen-mister._

"Alice, sweetheart, do you mind getting a glass of water, please? I believe that Bella is now awake."

…

Silence.

...

_Well shitballs, Carlisle. I just wanted to keep my eyes closed for a few more minutes, but you had to ruin it for me, didn't you?_

I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes. For a moment my vision was doubled and flashing lights and sparkling metal blinded me. I groaned loudly, even throwing in a couple of swear words for good measure. It felt like someone had hit me with a damn bamboo stick repeatedly on the left side of my body.

"How are you feeling, Bella? You took quite a tumble there." Carlisle's doctor voice was in full force. I groaned again, wishing I could sleep and never wake up. This was a fucking nightmare.

"Fucking peachy, really. How the fuck do you think I feel, Cullen? I'm a damn barrel of fucking sunshine right now."

_Uhhh, brain... Are you there? You were supposed to remind me not to piss off the Cullen-mister?_

_Oh, right. Sorry. My bad._

_Ughh... Would my inner monologue ever end?_

_Not fucking likely, Swan._

My mind went blank for a few seconds and I barely registered what Carlisle was saying to me. Did I just call myself Swan? I just used my father's last name with no hesitation or dread. Was the world about to fucking freeze over? I must have truly lost my marbles. I only caught the end of Carlisle's sentence.

"...Better than I thought, actually. Sarcasm's in use and you're swearing like a fucking sailor. Always a good sign when it comes to you."

My laugh sounded like a bark. I would have normally been embarrassed by such a horrific sound coming from my mouth, but I couldn't find it in me to give a shit. Doctor Cullen has seen me in a far worse state than this, and at my absolute best. Right now, I was in limbo. I didn't know what to say, do or feel.

"She has your potty mouth, Charles." Esme said thoughtfully.

Alice quickly walked back into the room with a large glass of water. I looked at the beautiful clear liquid longingly and greedily and I couldn't wait to gulp it down. She almost looked scared to pass me the glass and truth be told, if I wasn't dying of thirst right about now, I would probably be too scared to take it off her, too. I whispered a timid thank you and true to my word, sculled the liquid down in one gulp.

_Hell yes! Who would have thought water would be so damn good right about now?_

"I think we have some explaining to do." Carlisle decided to take hold of the situation, and for that I was thankful. I probably wouldn't have spoken a word until someone else had and this room made me feel so damn uncomfortable. The vibes we were sending each other were so foreboding I wanted to run for shelter.

"Esme is actually my wife, Bella. I have been married to her for eight years, and Alice is my stepdaughter. Let me start off by saying I am so sorry. If I had known sooner that my stepdaughter was the same Alice you spoke of so fondly, I would have told you. Please believe me when I tell you that."

"You were right all along, sweetheart. You believed that Alice was real even when your mother tried to convince you otherwise. If there is a bright side to the darkness you have been imprisoned in for all of these years, is that you saw through your mother's lie. And if you weren't so stubborn, you wouldn't have been here to discover the truth."

"That's not true," I whispered, "All the other lies she fed to me... I believed them. Charlie for example. She made me believe that my father never wanted me. She gave me a secret life and made me run away with her, from her demons that she created."

"Bella," It was now Esme who spoke. She reached across the tiny coffee table that was in front of the leather love seat and took my hand in hers, "Your mother is good at one thing – lying. She was indeed running from her demons, as you call them, but the day that they finally caught up with her, she lost it."

"I'm not sure whether you remember this, you were so young... But some days you would come home with Alice after school and there were some activities that you couldn't do... Lifting light objects, like certain toys for example. You never once complained, but I could see the pain in your eyes. I quickly learned that your mother was physically abusing you. It was common knowledge that you were a quite... um... uncoordinated, but I began to wonder whether it was all just an excuse. Could Renee... Williams... Or whatever she calls herself now, the picture perfect mother, be hiding something?"

"It was wrong of me... Oh gosh, I knew it was wrong, but I started snooping. I don't regret ever doing what I did, Bella. One day you came running to my house, screaming in agony. You kept repeating over and over that your ribs hurt." Esme's eyes darkened and her face was reliving a dark memory. "I took you to the hospital and they said you had a broken rib. When I asked you how it happened you said that you deserved it. That you were worthless. What seven year old child would ever think that way? That's when I knew that I had to do something. I had to save you from that evil woman."

"Alice and I didn't see you for weeks after that incident. I turned up to your house every single day, banging on the door and demanding to see whether you were okay. No one ever came to the front door, but I knew you and your mother were there. I called the police several times, telling them of the abuse that you were experiencing from your mother. They didn't believe me. Your mother had painted quite a perfect image of herself on the outside world, but I knew better. I could see through each smile and wave she would give people every day. The day of your birthday was the first time I had seen you in weeks. Oh, Bella, you looked so ill... But the moment you saw Alice, your eyes lit up. You two had such a special bond. Alice told me on the car ride to your house that you turned up to school that day and that you were quieter than usual – different. I was petrified of what your mother had done to taint such a kind hearted child that wouldn't even harm a fly."

"I don't even remember the abuse being that early on in my life." I whispered in stunned horror. "The only things I can really remember before the fire were my moments with Alice. The happy memories."

"I'm so glad you don't remember what you went through, sweetheart... When Alice was back in the car and you went back in the house, I spoke with your mother outside the front door. I told her I knew what she was doing to you, and if she harmed a hair on her head again, I would be calling child services and personally adopting you myself. We argued until she slammed the door in my face. She didn't bother to hide her true colors and pretty much dared me to take you aware from her."

Esme was going to adopt me? She was going to take me away from my mother? And she knew and saw right through my mother... I put my head in my hands and cried as Esme continued speaking.

"That night..."

"Was the night of the fire... I was there."

"Renee didn't know you were with us that night, sweetie. That fire, that was made out to be an accident was anything but. Your mother wanted revenge, and burning us in our sleep seemed like the perfect option."

My head snapped up and all the air that was in my lungs escaped me. My mother... Renee... tried to kill the two most important people in my life because her wholesome image was at risk? I hadn't realized that Alice was sitting beside me until she took over speaking. She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and put her head on my shoulder like she had done so a million times before.

"Bee," she whispered quietly as I wept, "when your mother realized that you were in the house, we were all already unconscious from the fumes. She had no choice but to call the fire brigade... But she took you with her and we never saw you again."

"She left you two to die... I... I can't even... Oh my God..." I stumbled through my sentence terribly but the reality of the situation, I couldn't really grasp. I knew that my mother was capable of many terrible things, but murder? Renee had wanted them to suffer, no... That wasn't what this was all about at all.

I looked over to Carlisle as I finally understood everything with clarity. For the first time in my life, every beating, every terrible word Renee ever inflicted on me, made perfect sense.

"This wasn't about Esme or Alice at all, was it? She wanted me this way. This weak, fragile, unstable being. She enjoyed tormenting me. I think I'm going to throw up."

"Yes. You're right."

"Bells, when your mother and I were married, she told me about her past, which you know of... from Carlisle's letter. She was physically and sexually abused by her father until she left to live on her own. She was scarred permanently. I'm not using that as an excuse by any means, but it explains how she has ended up the way she has now."

"You're right. It _isn't _an excuse. You know what, she could still be beating me and I would happily have taken each bruise, each broken bone if I knew that Alice and Mama Pratt were still out there, alive and fucking real. She lied to me! She fucking lied to me for all of these years!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

I was being bombarded with different emotions and memories. I was caught in a tide, wave after wave aggressively trying to pull me under into the sinking depths of oblivion. I braced for the largest wave of all – the infinite amount of hate that blazed through every fiber of my scorching skin. I prayed that the hateful wave wouldn't take me under.

"We suspect that your mother has a psychiatric condition."

"So do I, she's a fucking lunatic!"

"Bella, enough," Carlisle's voice held authority and I immediately stopped yelling. I don't know how Carlisle had the ability to make me step back, but right now, I resented him for it. There was only one thing I could think of doing right now – hunting Renee down. I wanted to give her a taste of everything she put me, Alice and Esme through tenfold. I didn't care if this was my anger speaking, or that I would go to hell for doing what I planned to do, but revenge sounded perfect to me right now.

"Please listen to this next sentence as if your life depended on it, okay? Because you need to tell me immediately if you understand the terminology I am about to use."

I nodded my head, my silence an indication for him to continue.

"I highly suspect that your mother suffers from Münchhausen Syndrome by proxy. Do you understand what this means?"

I shook my head no, but my head was screaming the answer at me. I knew, I honestly did, but I refused to believe it.

"MsbP is a condition in which a person, quite often a provider, will deliberately harm someone for self gain. For example, your mother would physically abuse you and constantly take you to the hospital during your childhood. She played the part of the doting, caring mother that would do anything for her child, but behind closed doors was another story. A perfect example was when she left you in this very hospital, Bella."

"So now she has an excuse for her behavior." I mumbled, still blinded with fury. If we ever hunted her down, and she was told of this damn diagnosis, she would play the victim until she was blue in the face. I could see how this would end and I didn't like it one bit. I growled and hit the side of the seat.

"Maybe, Carlisle, just maybe... she is evil. Did you or anyone else ever think of that? There are some things that people do in this world that are simply unexplainable. Inexcusable. Don't give her what she wants – another excuse to play the fucking victim. She's been doing that for far too long and I'll be damned if she will continue."

Our heated conversation was interrupted by screaming and the clattering of objects slamming against the office door. We all froze, listening to the commotion outside.

"Where the hell is she?" The woman screamed. I felt my blood freeze in my veins. I looked over to the others and they must have had the same facial expression on my face.

My mother was here looking for me.

"I want to see my daughter! How dare you treat me this way! I should report you!" I remembered that exact line that she had used on Carlisle all those months ago. It felt like a lifetime and a half ago. I could barely remember the person I was then, but there was one distinct memory I had of that day that I would never forget, the flower that Edward had given me. My bloodflower, as I called it. I would never throw away that rose, and it was still in my room, stored away safely. I wanted to remember the day that mine and Edward's lives changed for the better. It was the perfect symbol of the end of one life and the beginning of another.

"Go ahead!" Emmett screamed back at her. I almost pumped my fist in the air, I was so happy to hear him go off at her. I started walking briskly toward the door but Charlie caught my arm. I was about to scream bloody murder at him, but the look in his eye told me to obey him. He looked like he was ready to bathe in her blood.

_Great, let's do that shit together!_

"What the fuck do you think you can slap me with, you stupid bitch? How dare you come up in here, _illegally_, I might add, distress our clients and expect me to sympathize with you? You have got a lot of fucking nerve, lady, let me tell you. And just so you know, the police _will _arrest you for the wrong doings you have done!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about! I can't believe that you are speaking to me in such an inhumane way!"

_Yeah, fuck this shit._

I tore my arm away from Charlie and sprinted for the door, ready to kill Renee myself.


	13. Chapter 10 P2: Hearing Damage

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing**

_Chapter Songs:_  
_Part I: Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke_  
_Part II: Sunburn by Muse  
_

_

* * *

_

_"Come let the truth be shared_  
_ No-one ever dared_  
_ To break these endless lies_  
_ Secretly she cries_

_ She burns like the sun_  
_ And I can't look away_  
_ And she'll burn our horizons make no mistake"_

**_- S_**_**unburn by Muse  
**_

_

* * *

_

My blood pumped furiously in my veins and sounded like running water in my eardrums as I ran with as much energy as I could toward the office door. I could hear choruses of my name being screamed, but I didn't care to pay attention or respond. The reason that I now had this adrenaline coursing through me, providing me with the necessary strength was all for one reason – to kill my mother.

I threw the door open and the glass from the door shattered from the impact of it slamming into the wall, and I didn't even flinch. My converse shoes crunched over the splintered glass like gravel and I could hear running foot steps behind me. They were fast, but I was fucking faster. I sprinted down the long corridor down to the front desk, my eyes zoning in on my... No, I wouldn't call her my mother anymore. She was a stranger to me. She was dead to me.

It was as if I was seeing the whole thing in slow motion. Feeling separated from my body I watched my arms slowly rise and fall at my side with each step my running feet took. Each step that I ran, as fast as it may have been seemed like nothing more than baby steps. I wasn't close enough for the amount of time that had passed. It may have been mere seconds, or minutes for all I knew. I could feel my chest rising and falling and my breath coming out in heavy pants.

Her back was back to me but Emmett saw me immediately. His eyes widened as Renee turned around to find me running toward her. I watched the look of fake joy become quickly erased and replaced with horror as my fist greeted her cheekbone with a satisfying crunch.

She screamed out in agony as I tackled her to the ground and started punching her repeatedly. It didn't matter that most of her skin was protected by clothing. I knew I could pack one hell of a punch regardless. She was screaming out something to me as her voice became gargled and distorted. She was clawing and scratching at me frantically, trying to throw me off her. Although I felt her fingernails digging into my skin and face, the pain wasn't there. All I could see was the woman beneath me and how I wanted her dead.

"Shut the fuck up!" I screamed as I continued hitting her.

I couldn't count the amount of times that I had punched her and all I could see was my fist repeatedly hitting her in a blur. The satisfying sound of crunching bones resonated throughout the now deathly quiet reception and I was blinded by anger and hate. But it would never be enough.

I wanted this bitch to suffer. I wanted her to bleed and cry and hurt like she had made me do all of these years.

I screamed in anguish as arms encircled me from behind in a vice grip and violently pulled me off her.

"LET GO OF ME! I'M GOING TO KILL THAT FUCKING BITCH!"

I kicked and writhed manically, but Charlie's grip around me only grew stronger with each frantic movement I attempted to make. He was yelling out something, but I couldn't hear him. My screaming dominated all other sound that may or may not have been said.

Sharp pain shot through me as I jumped and attempted to head butt Charlie in the jaw. Cruel, I know, but I had my eye on the prize and nothing would fucking stop me. Not now. His grip didn't loosen. Not once. I howled in frustration and glared at Renee as Emmett kept her pinned to the ground, looking truly frightened. Renee wasn't moving so the bitch must have been unconscious.

_N__ot fucking good enough! I want__ to beat her longer!_

I barely processed the audience that was now encircled around us. I knew Edward was there somewhere, because that familiar buzzing sensation I felt around him was growing stronger. He was getting closer.

"I swear I will go for the balls in a second, Charlie. Don't fuck with me. LET ME GO!" I growled like a woman possessed.

I don't know when she appeared in front of me, but all I could see was Alice. She cupped her hands over my cheeks and jerked my head to make me look her directly in the eye. I was still writing and kicking, only narrowly missing her shin.

"Bee!" She said loudly so I could hear her. Her eyes were almost pitch black, tears streaming from them. Bleeding mascara ran down her cheeks and even then she still looked perfect.

_Wh__y __can't__ I look like that when I __cry__?_

Whatever emotion she was feeling right now, it was intense. I didn't know whether she was satisfied or traumatized from my actions but it didn't matter. I was pissed off. The damage I had done to her wasn't enough.

"Bee, listen to me. Think about this rationally, okay? Is it worth going to jail for killing her?"

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S FUCKING WORTH IT!"

"No! Just fucking _think _about what you're doing for a second! If you continue to beat the shit out of her, her blood will be on your hands for the rest of your life. You will be haunted by this! That would be a gift to her, okay? After all that is said and done, you will regret it. You may feel like you never would right now, but you will and you know why? Because you are a good person. You fucking hear me? You are _not_ like your mother! _Look at me_!" She screamed and jerked my head to look at her again. The muscles in my neck cracked loudly.

The intensity of her stare intimidated the shit out of me, despite how reckless I felt right now.

"Do not waste another second of your life on her, Bee. She has stolen ten years from us. Ten years that we will never get back. Don't give her the satisfaction of being the victim anymore. You. Are. Better. Than. This."

Those were the exact words I said to Edward this morning.

I finally stilled in Charlie's vice grip. I now understood the way that Edward had felt. It was such a dark place to be. Too dark for me to ever want to tread in its waters again for I feared I would lose my way if I returned there. I felt the adrenaline that ignited me just minutes before dim until it was almost nonexistent.

Alice immediately noticed that I was beginning to calm down and her serious expression wavered just an inch.

"I am better than this." I whispered to myself although it sounded like a question.

"You are better than this."

Throbbing pain pulsated through my knuckles and all the way up my arm. I looked down to my hands and saw that they were purple and bruised and shaking hysterically. Renee's blood was all over my hands, my jumper and the ground.

_Her blood will be on your hands for the rest of your life._

"Oh my God, what have I done?"

I turned into the monster I thought I would never become. I had become exactly like Renee and it scared me. Charlie's grip loosened on me, but it was quickly replaced with another pair or arms. They held me in place in an entirely different way. It was a pair that I knew better than anyone else in the world. Arms that protected and sheltered and loved me unconditionally.

"Edward, I'm a monster." I whispered against his rising chest. I felt like I was going to cry, but the tears never fell. I was all cried out...I honestly was. I felt like it was I was incapable of ever shedding a tear ever again. Or maybe I would just never cry a tear for Renee ever again. She was here now, and I didn't have to worry about her ruining my life anymore. I was not going to drown with her anymore.

"You will never be a monster. Never." He whispered in my ear.

"I've become everything I said I wouldn't be. I deserve to die for this."

"You're still my Bella. I can't stand the thought of ever losing you."

Still leaning against Edward, I looked around at the people that were now in the hallway. I took in each face of the people that had changed my life irrevocably for the better. I saved Edward's face for last and I slowly looked up at him. He was looking down at me, a single tear falling from his face.

_I've hurt him. I've scared him. Everybody._

I stepped back from him and took a shaky breath. With his hand over the swallow of my back, we walked over to where Emmett and Carlisle were, which was with Renee. Carlisle was checking over her wounds. I took in Renee's crumpled body and I felt like I was hit with a sledgehammer. She was almost unrecognizable.

_Could my own hands have done this to her? _

Her face was completely purple and swollen so significantly I wondered whether I had caused permanent damage. Her right arm was misshapen and not sitting right. She was bleeding from her mouth. For the second time in under a minute I looked back down to my shaking hands and back to my mother.

Suddenly I heard someone screaming, the sound so full of pain that I almost couldn't bear it. It took me only a few short seconds to realize it was me.

* * *

I stood stiffly beneath the detachable shower head and let the hot water soothe my aching muscles and rattling bones. The water fanned across me weakly and unfortunately wasn't as satisfying as a proper shower head. The water ran off my body, washing a combination of Renee's and my blood down the drain in an ominous shade of pink. I hadn't looked at my face in the mirror, but that didn't mean I couldn't see the rest of my battered body. I winced silently as I moved my arms and frowned at the dozens of bruises splattered across my body like a canvas. The dark patches and violent cuts stood out outrageously against my pale skin.

Feeling completely detached and drained, I sat down on the tiled floor and closed my eyes as I cleaned myself. I knew there were more cuts I couldn't see because the moment I applied body wash to my skin it began to sting irritably.

I was a robot – a machine programmed on survival instinct.

It took me nearly fifteen minutes to dress myself; I was in so much pain. I hated to think that if I was in this much pain what Renee must be feeling like. I stuck my legs in my leopard print tights and pulled my doc martins on and decided it was now or never. I stood in front of the mirror and flinched.

I looked fucking terrible.

I had Renee's fingernail marks clawing diagonally across my jugular. I had a black eye and my lip was swollen and cut. Above my left eyebrow was a cut that was still oozing drips of blood. My hands looked fucking horrific. I was almost certain that I had broken a few knuckles. The sorrow on my face was so tormenting I had to look away. I looked like a stranger to my own eyes. I self consciously pulled down my baggy black shirt that reached my mid thigh. I felt absolutely naked and exposed without a jumper, hoodie or cardigan, but they were all in the wash. I hated that these wounds from Renee and my own self inflicted cuts were free for others to see.

I walked back toward my room, bracing myself for the long night ahead.

Charlie told me that before he left that there would be no charges pressed against me. He made sure his peers in Seattle knew what Renee had done to us all over the years and they were all ready to lock her up and throw away the key. But I wasn't at peace. Renee was still in the hospital just two floors down from where I stood. It didn't matter that she was in an induced coma and under twenty-four hour police observation – I was still unsafe. I was scared that she'd come for me in my sleep, suffocating me with my own pillow. She was the fly on the wall or what I saw every time I closed my eyes. The paranoia was rotting at my very core and the stench of fear was unbearable. I was falling apart.

I sat down on one of the two chairs in my room. The other chair was preoccupied by Esme, who was fast asleep. I curled up into a ball on my plastic chair and watched her sleep until the sun had begun to set.

I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I knew that I had been to hell and back these past ten years. I had been face down in the dirt, being kicked and beaten while I made no attempt to stand up, but for the first time in my life I was ready to get back up once I got knocked down. I knew that I had a long way to go in my winding road to recovery... and I was ready. All of my questions were answered and not only were Alice and Esme alive, real and indeed back in my life, I had met amazing people that now held a special place in my heart. I knew that if I strayed from my path, feeling lost and scared, I had people to pick me back up when I wouldn't be able to do it myself.

I wiped away the single tear that fell from my eye.

This was all so bittersweet.

I was ready to walk away from my past and toward a better future.

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

I wiped away another tear and angled myself to face the now awake Esme.

"I think so... I am... for the first time in a long time..."

"I'm so happy to hear that."

"Tell me how you're feeling, Mama Pratt... Although I suppose I should call you Mama Cullen from now on, right?" I said, smiling.

"You can call me whatever you feel comfortable with calling me, sweetie. I feel... so, so happy. My family is finally whole."

"It won't be whole until your bubba's born." I teased her, but felt so touched that she still considered me to be a part of her family. Esme put a hand over her stomach and smiled peacefully, nodding her head.

"How far along are you?"

"Four months."

"You need to rest at home, Mama Pratt! What time are you all heading out?"

"If I could, I would stay here until you're out of here, Bella. But we'll be heading out once visiting hours are up at eight. We've rented out a hotel on the same street. Once we know our direct line, I'll call the ward to give you our number okay? We'll be here for the next few weeks."

"You don't have to do that, Esme..."

"But I want to. _We_ want to. I want you to welcome us back into your heart again, honey. We will never leave you again. Ever. We want to rebuild these burned bridges."

"Oh, Esme," I smiled at my almost mother sadly. "There has never been a moment since we were torn away from each other that you both weren't in my heart."

"Isabella Fowler?"

A sick feeling spread through my stomach at the mention of my alias. As soon as I could I would change my name back to the name I was truly born with. Sure, it may seem fast that I was planning to re-adopt Charlie's surname, but this wasn't for him, even if everyone thought it would be. This was for me. It was my birth name. My _real_ name. This was something that I needed to do.

"Can you please call me Bella Swan? Fowler is not my last name anymore." I said politely to the man standing in the doorway. He grinned suddenly, walking over to me quickly.

"Good to see you, Esme."

"You too, Jasper. Bella, this is Jasper Whitlock, Alice's boyfriend."

I gasped and looked at my best friend's boyfriend. He was... wow. He was beautiful. He had messy, neck length, curly blonde hair and striking blue eyes that held authority and wisdom. He was well built and stood at about 6 ft fall.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Bella. Alice has told me so much about you. I look forward to getting to know the young woman that my Alice loves so much. Any friend of Alice is a friend of mine." His Southern accent floated out to me kindly. I was smiling like an idiot. He's the one for Alice. I can just tell.

"How old are you, Jasper?"

He and Esme laughed. They must have had this conversation before. "I am twenty four years old, ma'am. Now unfortunately, I'm here on a professional visit. I'm your seven o'clock appointment."

"_Wow."_

"If you'd just stick your tongue out for me, Bella... Yep that's it," he placed a wooden stick on my tongue, inspecting the inside of my mouth.

"I bet you don't even realize it right now, but you're severely dehydrated. Your tongue has a white residue forming."

"Oh, eww."

He laughed. "Nothing a bottle or two of water won't fix. Now I know you eat three meals a day because of the ward, but have you had anything to eat today?"

"No."

"Esme, could you please go out and get Bella's meal in the dining area for me? She needs to eat something." Esme immediately got up and walked off to get my food. My stomach rumbled loudly at the thought of food entering its starving depths.

"Bella, you need to eat more. You're severely underweight for your height, so I'd like you to have a snack in between meals."

"I've never really been much of an eater."

"And that's not good for your body. What we need to do is speed up your metabolism. You'll have a lot more energy that way. You also need to cut back on the smokes, too."

"Oh, why don't you just ask me to roll over and die?"

He laughed at my tasteless joke and I couldn't help but join in. My session with Jasper went on for another hour, and straight after Doctor Marsh examined my injuries. Edward sat with me the entire time, glaring at the wall. He was furious at the damage Renee had done to me.

Three hours later I had bandages covering my hands, a morphine drip attached to me and two bottles of water and a nice meal in my system.

"I have something to give you." Alice said to me as they were ready to call it a night. Carlisle, Esme and Jasper were outside, giving us privacy. Alice opened her large bag and pulled out a plush toy. Tears rimmed my eyes as I grinned drowsily at the toy, instantly taken back to our sleepovers many years ago.

"Simbaaaaa." I slurred happily. Alice laughed and put the lion doll next to me and hugged me gently, weary of my injuries. "You still have him after all these years?"

"Hell yes, I do. He's my security blanket. So feel special, Bee." her playful tone turned serious and we broke our long hug. "We'll be back tomorrow, Bee. Do you believe me?"

I closed my eyes, already well on my way into a deep slumber.

"I believe you."

* * *

_A/N: Sooo... The truth is out kids! What do you think? Remember, we're reaching the home stretch now. *wipes tear away* Now my sick ass is gonna go watch some FIFA. Chile vs Brazil, homies! If anyone can get Mark Gonzalez to come to Australia and marry me, i'll repay you in e-baked goods? Vamos Chilenos!  
_


	14. Chapter 11: Blinding

_A/N: Hi all! So I've got some news... I have officially writing this story. It's so bittersweet for me *wipes tear*, but I have started a new story if you want to check it out. It's called Of Fire And Brimstone, the details on my profile. It's pretty different to this story and I hope you all take the time to read it :) Also, all songs I've used in this story are on my profile as well. We only have 1 more chapter to go, and an epilogue which will be uploaded at the same time, if not a day apart from each other. It will be up as soon as my BETA has checked it out. A big thank you to Jen for this. A billion virtual hugs are going your way. _

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing**

_Chapter Song: Blinding by Florence and the Machine  
_

_

* * *

_

_"Lying is done with words and also with silence."_

_- Adrienne Rich_

_

* * *

_

Renee woke up on January thirteenth, two thousand and six – eighteen days after I beat the shit out of her. There was really no point in trying to sugarcoat the situation because in reality that was what I did. I didn't bother to justify my actions, because despite all of what was said and done, I shouldn't have reacted the way I had. I knew there was no point in regretting because the past couldn't be changed – but that didn't mean I hadn't learned from the entire experience. I've learned for sure, and I've only come out stronger. I never thought I could say such a thing... That I; Isabella Swan, am a strong person.

Who would have thought that the person I was just a year ago is unrecognizable now.

The only severe damage that I had done to her included a broken nose, a fractured pelvis from my spear tackle and a truckload of bruises. On February third, she was transferred from the hospital to the Seattle Jail Diversion Program which included a Community Psychiatric Clinic. I didn't know specific details, mainly because I didn't want to know them.

She asked to see me every day while she was in the hospital after she had woken up. I declined each and every request, feeling nothing but sadness for her. Renee had dug her own grave, but I wouldn't claw through the damp earth to save her. I had to wash my hands clean of her, even if it hurt me to do so.

I know that I_ should _hate Renee after all that she had done to destroy all of us... but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't hate her. I most definitely resented her for what she did, but to actually _hate_ her..? No. I don't think I ever could. She attempted to sabotage mine and many other lives, and for sixteen years she had succeeded. But now, in a bizarre twist of fate, we were all reunited and slowly rebuilding our relationships and she would be alone for the rest of her miserable life.

I refused to visit her in jail and I doubt that there would ever come a day that I would change my mind.

I was definitely scared of her. How could I not be after all that has happened? I knew that it was completely irrational of me to be looking over my shoulder, even when I knew she was locked away, but I couldn't stop it. I don't think I would ever breathe easily again until the day she died.

God, I'm a monster.

Another major change was Edward's departure from the ward two months ago. I was so proud of him, but I definitely missed his presence. He has become so much stronger since I first met him, and I knew it must have been hard for him to return to the ward to visit me. He still came to visit me in the evenings and even on the weekends. I couldn't wait to see the new home he was renting and his new found independence.

It was now May twenty second and I was about to face another hurdle I wasn't sure I could jump over.

Today was Renee's trial date _and_ the day that I was to be released from the ward.

"You can do this, baby." Edward whispered in my ear as I stood shell shocked in the hospital lobby. I took a shaky breath and furiously shook my head. I dropped my luggage and bit my lip so hard it drew blood. This was huge. Fucking _huge_. I was scared, so scared... And the fact that Edward was here right now was somewhat calming me down, but not enough to squash my anxiety.

I glanced behind me, near the elevator doors. I wanted this moment to come for so many years and now I was petrified of being released. I couldn't be any more of a walking contradiction even if I tried.

"I'm scared, Edward."

"I know, baby, but I'll be beside you the entire time."

"Not when I take the stand. Not when I'm alone in the big bad world. There's so much for me to do and it's just so overwhelming."

"No, but I will be in that room with you... Just watch me, or Carlisle and Esme. The whole family is going to be there today, Bella. You're not alone in this. And do you really think I'll let you sleep on the streets?"

I shrugged, not really hearing his words clearly. I was still staring at the entrance door. I was so close to the door I could smell the fresh spring air. I could see the car park and trees and the street ahead. I had wanted this for so long – to be able to walk out these doors, but now that day had come I was scared. I wanted to run back to the ward and hide under the cover of my beds like a child hiding from the boogie man.

"Do I need to bribe you?" Edward asked my playfully. I nodded my head, my face still crinkled in worry.

"An iced coffee would be nice. Maybe a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes would help, too? Or a puppy? A morphine drip would do wonders for me right now, actually. Maybe I should just go back into the ward and sit down for a while. Maybe for the rest of my life?" I said so quickly I barely understood anything I said myself.

"I will get you those things, baby. But for now, how about a cigarette?"

He put my large backpack on his back and managed to hold two suitcases in one hand while taking my hand at the same time.

_Holy shit, he can multi task. I love him even more, if that's even remotely possible._

He didn't try to push me to walk out the door. He was letting me take initiative. Edward was so infinity patient with me, it made me feel so bad for being so weak. Every day I asked God what I did to deserve him. He was far too good for me. I groaned and decided to just rip the band aid off, walking in long strides out the front door.

Once we stood out in front of the car park, Edward lifted me in his arms and planted a dramatic, sloppy kiss on my neck. I laughed breathlessly and hugged him tightly.

"I'm so proud of you."

"Where you that nervous when you were released?"

"I was worse than you. I actually cried."

"Why did you cry, babe?"

"I didn't want to leave you."

"You never left me." I kissed him chastely on the lips.

My breathing became shallow as we walked toward the Seattle Police Department. Charlie was there at the moment, gathering what he had to for the trial. We were all going to travel together, meeting Esme, Carlisle, Jasper and Alice there. This was going to be a draining day for all involved. Edward lit my cigarette and passed it to me without word. We walked silently, sharing the smoke and I took in West Seattle. Walking down the street with Edward, I couldn't help but feel... Normal. I was almost back on the road to normalcy, and it kind of frightened me... but I knew I could do it. I was going to start living again and I wouldn't waste anymore of my life.

"I can't believe Alice made me wear heels." I growled, my feet already aching from the damn five inch heels she chose for me to wear. I was nearly five ft eleven in these! I pulled down my grey pencil skirt nervously, hating that I was dressed for formally. This skirt was too short. This lace top was see through! I had to wear a black singlet under it and she didn't let me wear stockings. "She will pay for this."

"I love your legs."

"_Really_?"

"Why is it so hard to believe that I love everything about you, Bella?"

"Because it's...well...me."

He raised his eyebrow at me curiously. I really didn't want to go into detail and he didn't push me to answer. We were already nearing the police station, for it was only two blocks away from the ward.

"You're... Wow... I can't believe you're released from the ward, Bella. Are you nervous at all?"

Was it bad that I kind of really missed Edward's nervous stutter? Now that his agoraphobia had been nipped in the bud, he rarely stuttered now. His sexy voice was now in full swing and honestly? It drove me crazy in a very _good_ way. But that didn't stop me missing the stutter I had grown used to during our low points.

"I'm really frightened about it, to be honest. I've almost forgotten what it's like to live normally. I haven't sorted out accommodation or anything because all I have been thinking about is Renee and this damn trial date. I don't want to even be in the same room as her, Edward. She'll go in for the kill, I swear it."

"Over my dead body she will."

I sighed. "Esme shouldn't even be there today. She's ready to pop that baby out. She's already a week late. She'll have to be induced tonight or tomorrow."

"She needs the closure, love. You all do."

Edward pulled out car keys, unlocking his car. I gaped at him.

"You have a car already?"

"My parents left me money... Quite a lot of it, actually..." Edward _blushed_. Holy crap! I grinned widely as he was mumbling something incoherent as he put my possessions in the boot of his silver Volvo. I glanced around my shoulder nervously, as if Renee was out here somewhere, watching me with her dead, blue eyes.

"I just have a bad feeling something's going to happen. I'm just used to being pessimistic, I guess."

"Everything will be okay, baby."

"I hope you're right." I whispered as we walked up the steps to the police department.

* * *

I sat alone in the little courtyard in front of the court house.

I held my cigarette in my shaking hand and raised it to my lips. I don't know how the others could continue to sit in there and continue to listen to the lies that Renee was feeding the jury. I had this sinking feeling that something bad was going to happen today. I couldn't shake the feeling away. Maybe it was just my fear talking.

Someone sat beside me and I immediately stiffened.

I stared straight ahead, but they were too close to me.

"Here." I sighed in relief when I recognized Charlie's voice. He passed me a tall cup filled with iced coffee. I mumbled a grateful thank you and swallowed half the cup of liquid in one go.

"Dad," I whispered, still staring straight ahead. I watched an old couple walk past, hand in hand. They looked so happy and carefree. I wondered if I would ever be that way one day. I sure hoped so. "I don't know if I can handle this much longer."

"I don't blame you, kiddo." His gruff voice muttered. He took the smoke from my hand and inhaled. "You really shouldn't be smoking. Do I need to explain to you what it's doing to your body?"

"The day you quit will be the day I will."

"Huh." He scratched his chin and I couldn't help but smile. Charlie and I had come so far in the past few months. Today was the first day I called him dad without feeling like it was forced. I loved that he has been there for me unconditionally, yet knows my boundaries. He knows that because he wasn't around for most of my life, I have walls up that I unintentionally built. But together, we are slowly knocking them down. "Touché."

"I'm worried about Esme... She looks like she's about to pop."

"Between you and me, I'm worried too. The stresses of today are the last thing she and the baby needs."

"How can she lie so easily, dad?" I blurted out, feeling tears stinging my eyes. I felt like a vulnerable child that needed reassurance from her parent... Her father.

"She won't get away with it this time, Bells." He whispered, putting a supportive arm over me. I rested my head on his shoulder and for several minutes, we didn't feel the need to speak. The silence wasn't one of awkwardness, but an understanding. We were so familiar, not needing words to find comfort. Sometimes not saying anything at all can be the greatest form of comfort.

"I still pinch myself sometimes, you know... I still can't believe I have you back." His voice broke. I held his other hand and squeezed tightly. "My flesh and blood... My baby girl."

"I love you, dad." I told him for the first time.

* * *

I stiffened in my seat when Renee spoke gently to the jury. She was speaking so softly, so calmly that it was almost impossible to detect the hint of maliciousness in her voice. I could see right through her, but could the judge and jury see what I can? I wasn't sure. She was so convincing, even to me, who knows a lot better than to fall for this bullshit.

So why did I suddenly feel like I had committed the ultimate crime? That it was _me_ that did all this fucking damage?

"Are you trying to imply, Ma'am, that your daughter was the one that abused you throughout the years?"

"Absolutely. I was just trying to protect her... I can see why she would think that I was neglecting her. If I could do things differently, I most certainly would have."

_Yep, you would have killed me instead of leaving me alive, _I thought bitterly_._

"And you claim that on December twenty six, two thousand and six, that your daughter attacked you without good reason?"

"I have done nothing but love my daughter." She said, staring at me. My hand hit the pew in front of me roughly in some sort of weird reflex and I winced as pain shot through my hand. My hands weren't the same since that day I attacked Renee, and even the slightest nudge can send pain rushing through me. I mentally groaned as my knuckle immediately turned purple. Esme put her arm around me and I leaned into her, unable to meet Renee's intense stare any longer. I looked at Esme, worried sick about her. She was breaking out into a light sweat and she occasionally winced.

"Are you okay, Mama Pratt?" I whispered to her. She looked at me and smiled unconvincingly.

"I'm fine, sweetie. But hopefully we'll get out of here soon. The tensions a little too much to bear right now."

"The last thing you need right now is stress."

"No further questions." A loud voice called out. Rosalie Hale, Emmett's wife, was Charlie's official lawyer. Her stiletto heels clicked against the marble flooring as she commenced questioning Renee. I almost wanted to laugh at how small the world really was, but I knew that this was more than coincidence. Rosalie was one of the most powerful, influential lawyers in the state and she definitely knew what she was doing. Not only did she have brains, but she was quite the looker. She was every man's dream, standing at a tall five foot ten, luxurious blonde hair and a stance that made every one stop and stare. Her violet eyes penetrated Renee as she spoke just as gently as she was.

_Rosalie can see right through her. Thank God._

"Let's get back to your allegations, Ms Higgenbotham. You claim that your daughter was the one that physically and mentally abused you over the years, correct?"

"Yes."

"And would you please tell us exactly _what _Miss Swan did to you?"

"She was so troubled... I don't know where I went wrong. I wanted to save her from-"

"What did Miss Swan do to you, Ms Higgenbotham?"

"She would... She would steal from my liquor cabinet and beat me whenever she was drunk."

Edward reached for my hand and I gladly obliged. _How dare she_! She was going to say that everything she did to me was really reversed? Quiet murmurs erupted in the court room and I just wished I was away from here. Why did I agree to come to this court case? Was the chance of seeing my mother one last time really too much for me to resist?

Curiosity certainly killed the cat this time.

"Would you care to explain to me, Ms Higgenbotham, how these allegations are really true? We have ex rays from when Bella was seven, fifteen and at the age of eighteen, and they all have physical proof of long going abuse. We have forensic technology on our side. You have caused extensive damage to her kidney's and internal organs. Mark, if you would please pass around Exhibit A for your honor and the jury's observation. These are the X-Ray's, proof that the defendant is not being dishonest. If you notice the dark blotches in the X-Ray's, those are bruised organs and internal bleeding. As you can see on the X-Ray for Bella, aged seven, she has two broken ribs. Another sign of Ms Higgenbotham's abuse."

I felt a lump form in my throat as I watched my x-rays from over the years being passed around to the jury. I had no idea that they obtained this type of proof. Would it be enough to prove that she was lying?

"I never did that!" Renee screeched, lying through her teeth.

"You've told your daughter for ten years that her childhood friend Alice Brandon never existed. Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"Why is that, ma'am? Why would you intentionally set out to lie to your daughter in such a barbaric manner, when not even ten feet from us, sits Alice Brandon? Why would you say that she does not exist when she indeed has this whole time?"

"Their relationship wasn't healthy. Nothing about my daughter is. I feared that Isabella was growing to become obsessed with _her_. I had to put a stop to it."

"And how do you explain changing your daughter's identity and preventing her father any form of contact with her? On June nineteenth, nineteen ninety three, Charlie Swan, Bella's biological father has made notes of your encounter in Chicago. He approached you and you threatened to take your own daughters life if he tried to take her away from you?" There were loud gasps escaping from the lips of many people in the room. Edward's hand gripped on mine painfully. I was afraid to see what was lurking behind his irises. He wasn't aware of what really happened in my past, just bits and pieces here and there. This must have been infuriating for him to hear. My eyes were glued to Rosalie's goddess-like face. Her once gentle tone was now a sharp bite. It sent shivers throughout my entire body. I was reminded of a cobra striking. Her stare was now acidic.

"I would _never_ hurt my daughter in the way that you are implying." Renee said coolly. The way that she effortlessly lied in front of everyone without thinking twice made me feel sick.

"Ah, but there is where you are wrong, ma'am." Rosalie walked across the marble flooring to grab a large television mounted to a stand with wheels. With the help of the man named Mark, she pushed the television so that everyone inside the room would be able to view what was about to be shown. I had no idea what Rosalie had up her sleeve, and my mind was screaming and pleading with me to leave the room now.

Esme put a hand on my leg. I glanced at her quickly and she looked like she was in pain. Her eyes were glued to the television, as if she knew what was coming.

"Is this really relevant, your honor?" Renee's lawyer yelled out. She was a red-headed woman with a sickly sweet voice, like cotton candy and the face of a feline. She made my skin crawl and it wasn't just because she was Renee's lawyer. There was something about her that just wasn't right. _She_ wasn't right at all.

"Oh, it is," Rosalie's acidic voice spat toward the red head's direction. She held the remote in her hand, turning to face the jury. "My colleagues, what I am about to show you is disturbing. There is no other word to put this, and I apologize in advance that you are about to watch this – but it is _vital_ that you see this. I managed to obtain this video footage from homeland security. Many of you, including Ms Higgenbotham, may not be aware of the fact that Ms Esme Cullen, the mother of Alice Brandon had video surveillance around the perimeter of her home. We thought that this footage was lost due to the fire that destroyed her home, but all footage is immediately sent to their head office. They held onto the files mainly because it's their duty to do so."

Rosalie clicked 'play' on the remote and I saw the old Pratt home that I wished I lived in growing up. It was a beautiful cottage made of wooden logs and a chimney pieced together with stone. The garden out front was blooming with assorted wildflowers and stunning cherry blossom trees. It was something out of a fairytale.

It was grainy black and white footage, but you got the picture. I knew what was coming and I wasn't sure if I could watch it. I turned around to look at my father, and reached for his hand. He was sitting behind me and his eyes were transfixed on the screen. This must be the first time he was seeing this. Although his eyes didn't move from the screen, his hand reached for mine.

I knew that this video had to have shown Renee intentionally start the fire... Part of me wanted to see what really happened on my eighth birthday, but not enough to relieve it all again. I remembered the trauma, but not the actual event.

I didn't watch the television, but that didn't stop me from hearing what was happening.

I could hear the sound of burning wood and screams in the house. It was grainy sounding, but you could still hear what you needed to. I recognized my own scream immediately.

A lone tear fell from Charlie's eye.

"I can't be in here anymore." I whispered to Edward. He looked at me and nodded his head, beginning to stand up with me.

"_They're going to die! You have to save them!"_

"_The fire brigade is on their way, Isabella! We have to get out of here!"_

"_ALICE! MAMA PRATT! Noooo!"_

"_She is _not_ your mother, you moronic child! This will teach that fucking bitch for threatening to take you away from me! _No one_ will ever take you away from me, you hear me? And if you ever think of __leaving your mother alone in this world, Isabella, I will kill you myself! I'm doing this because I care about you! Don't you see?"_

My eight year old voice continued to scream over Renee's comment, but her words rang in my ears loud and clear. I made the mistake of looking at the screen and I saw Renee pulling me away from the house, out of sight of the camera.

A loud uproar radiated through the room. I took a chance stare at Renee, and she was staring murderously at Esme. I put my arm around her protectively. Carlisle had a hand over her swollen belly. Alice was sobbing on Jasper's shoulder and Edward and Charlie were sharing furious words with one another.

I knew what Renee was thinking before she was even going to attempt to make a run for it.

"Don't!" I screamed.

Renee jumped out of the stand and ran across the courtroom in our direction. I stood up immediately, standing in front of Esme.

"YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!" Renee's voice was absolutely maniacal. One of the security guards that stood by the door ran behind her and wrapped his arms around her from behind before she had the chance to lunge for me and Esme.

"I did this because I love my daughter! I love her!"

"You are fucking crazy!" Alice's voice bellowed so loudly, it echoed. "You don't know what love is!"

"I will fucking get you all for this! You ruined everything!" She stupidly yelled in front of witnesses. She must have known that all hope was lost for her now. Good riddance. But right now she was the least of my concerns, as unbelievable as that sounded.

"Carlisle," I turned to my adoptive father figure and he was staring intently at his wife. Esme was clutching her stomach, breathing heavily. I knew he was thinking along the same wavelength as me.

"I know," he said, "We need to get Esme to a hospital _now_."


	15. Chapter 12: My Love

_AN: We're reached the end my friends! *wipes away tear* I can't believe we're here, and I'm ecstatic to deliver the final chapter of Bloodflowers to you all. To my BETA, Jen, I love you, man. Thank you for going beyond and above and having faith in me when I thought I couldn't finish this story. Thank you to my reviewers, for making my day with your kind words. The epilogue will be up on Friday, 30 July. I know I said it would be a day after this, but I'm taking my computer in to be fixed today and can't be done any earlier. Check out my new story, Of Fire and Brimstone :)_

_When you see the two stars ( * * ) play the chapter song. It made me cry writing the scene while listening to it :D  
_

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing**

_Chapter Song: My Love by Sia_**  
**

_

* * *

_

_"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad."_

_- Norm Papernick_

_

* * *

_

Tampa Red's "_It Hurts Me Too__"_was playing loudly from the lounge of Esme Cullen's home. She played this song throughout my childhood with them, and the lyrics immediately flowed from my lips as I stood in the kitchen watching Esme chopping vegetables. The aroma of garlic and basil made my stomach rumble with hunger. But I was distracted by something else.

_I couldn't believe it..._

How can two people create such a beautiful thing? Something that you can hold in your arms and cherish for the rest of your lives... A piece of yourself, and the one you love. You can create another life and nurture and watch it grow. You can guide it on the path to a positive future, letting them make their mistakes, but still be there for support and unconditional love. Was this a taste of what motherhood felt like? You have this swelling feeling in your chest, like you couldn't contain all of the love that you have for this life? How could anyone want to destroy it, or take it for granted? I would never, never, _ever_ want to cause my child harm; I realized as I looked at the precious bundle in my arms.

I held the sleeping baby, marveling at how angelic she looked in the sunlight. I cooed at her, grinning as she held onto my finger in her sleep, her tiny hand gripping tightly. She was moving her lips and gurgling softly. I laughed breathlessly, my warm breath fanning across her face. She wrinkled her nose and tried to open her eyes but immediately fell back to sleep.

"She is so beautiful, Esme." I whispered, afraid to wake the baby up.

Esme laughed loudly, throwing out the remaining peanut butter candy that she had from the pregnancy.

_Looks like she's off it again._

I rocked her gently and watched Esme run around the kitchen preparing lunch for the masses. I couldn't believe that she gave birth only three days ago, and she had all of this energy in her! Shouldn't she by laying in bed exhausted or something? Esme cracked eggs into a bowl and started whisking them while throwing in mushrooms, peppers and Feta cheese.

"I'm so glad I hate peanut butter again," she muttered in distaste. I giggled manically but groaned as I woke up the angel in my arms. She looked around, her eyes dazed and confused. Carlisle told me at the hospital that babies don't have their proper eye sight until they are about four months old, but they can hear perfectly. She was probably hearing her mother speak in the distance and wondering where she was. Her hand that was holding onto my finger loosened slightly and she smiled.

"Don't you listen to her, Jen," I told the baby affectionately. "Peanut butter is the greatest invention known to man. And peanut butter cups are a close second."

Carlisle and Esme named their baby Jennifer Bella Cullen. The middle name didn't slip past me at all (I mean, how could it? _Bella_. Couldn't be more obvious than that), and I was overcome with pride and sheer joy when they told me. This precious baby in my arms was going to be spoiled rotten and by everyone around her. Not only that – but Edward and I are her godparents.

"What time is Edward going to get her, sweetie?" Esme asked me as she threw the omelets into a frying pan.

"He'll be here around three thirty. He's at the high school at the moment."

Edward never told me this, but during his time at the ward he was actually studying to become a music teacher. Because he is still studying, he is being supervised and is still undergoing training. It was summer break, but he was still going to the school because of the summer program they had there. He was an amazing pianist and secretly wanted to teach once he got hold of his agoraphobia. Of course, I was worried that he was jumping into this too quickly, but when I went to visit him at the school a few weeks ago (I was able to have an afternoon away from the hospital, thanks to Carlisle), I knew instantly that this was going perfectly. He knew what he was doing and he wasn't pushing his limits. I was so proud of him.

I almost laughed when I saw how all of the female students were infatuated and... dazzled by him. Edward could easily distract the entire female population just by walking past them. I understood the effect he had on people, and it made me want to scream out that he's mine.

_Edward Masen is mine. Stay away!_

"And how is life outside the ward Bella? I know it's early days..."

"It's... surprisingly easy. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's very overwhelming... but Edward makes me breathe a whole lot easier. He keeps me grounded, you know?"

"I'm so glad you've found each other, sweetie."

"Me too." I said, smiling.

After Renee's trial and the birth of little Jen, Edward – nervously – asked me if I wanted to live with him. I immediately accepted (after a whole lot of happy tears, I might add) and he took me to our home. _Our home_. I couldn't get used to saying that and I don't think I ever wanted to get used to it. It seemed so surreal, but as easy as breathing. I knew that there was no one else in this life I would want to be doing this with other than Edward. He was the one for me, I just knew it. I wondered if he felt the same.

I was originally set to sleep in the spare room, but after a nightmare on my first night in our new home, I had been sleeping with Edward these past two nights. I would have felt bad, but it seemed like he wanted me in there as well, although he never spoke the words. Edward and I lived in a three bedroom cottage about five minutes from where the Cullen's live. It was a stone cottage and when I first saw it I thought of _Snow White_. I was living in a fairytale home with a fairytale prince charming. I wasn't one for fairy tales, but I was living in one and couldn't be more thankful for the blessings that have come my way.

"What time are dad and Sue getting here?" I asked nervously, shifting the now awake Jen to rest against my chest. She was stirring, but still content.

"You're nervous about meeting Sue?" Esme asked quietly, throwing the omelets onto a large plate. She stirred the pasta in a boiling pot and checked on the sauce. She nodded her head in approval and turned to look at me. She had a soft smile forming on her lips.

"Ho-yeah." I admitted.

The inevitable thought of Renee passed through my mind. I found out yesterday that she had three different sentences passed onto her, and she would more than likely be spending the rest of her life in prison. It hurt like hell to hear the news, but it was the closure I really needed to move forward with my life. I had one foot already out the door, but now the other followed and the door was finally shut. That part of my life was over now.

"You have absolutely nothing to worry about, sweetie. She loves you already."

"I still find that really hard to believe."

"Why is that?"

"Ahhh I don't know... Just insecure, I guess. Uhh Esme, you're cooking quite a lot there. It's not going to just be us?"

She laughed nervously, her hands suddenly preoccupied with buttering bread. She wouldn't look at me.

"Well this group is actually a bit larger than originally planned."

I laughed. "Spit it out, Mama C. Who is coming?"

"Ummmm... Well obviously you, me, little Jen, Carlisle, Alice and Jasper. Oh, and Edward... And Charlie, Sue and her two kids, Leah and Seth... And the Black family, who you'll love. That's Billy and Jacob. Emmett and Rose. Hmm is that all? I think it is."

"Oh that's all is it?"

"If you weren't with Edward I would have tried to set you up with young Jacob Black. He's quite a catch."

"Well _thanks_."

"Seriously!" She laughed as she aligned bread on a large glass platter. "He is actually a really good kid. But since you are off the market, I think he'll be a great friend for you. He's already heard so much about you from us."

"Really?"

"Of course. Alice is best friends with Jacob. Charlie's friends with his father. Billy. It seems inevitable that you two will be meeting today."

As long as he kept his paws away from me, I didn't care.

* * *

"I'm ready to punch Jake," Alice growled beside me as we were back in the kitchen. She piled plates and cutlery in her tiny hands as I grabbed the remaining pots of food to take back into the dining room. Seth, Jacob and Emmett were eating them out of house and home! "He's being a major dickhead."

"I thought he was being nice. A little _too_ nice, but still nice."

"Jacob Black? Nice? Hah! SHIT!" She bellowed as she dropped a stack of forks. She angrily plopped the plates on the counter and picked them all up. "I love that boy, don't get me wrong, but he's a sneaky shit when he wants to be."

"Sneaky? About what?"

"He has his eyes on the prize, Bee."

"And that prize is?"

"You, stupid!" She yelled, carrying the plates again. Her eyes were almost coal black.

_Uh oh._

"You're joking... Right?"

"Do I look like I'm joking Isabella?"

_Fuuuuccckk, she called you Isabella! She means business._

"Fucking ridiculous." She mumbled, blocking my exit out of the kitchen. She was tapping her foot against the marble floor at a furious rate. I was kind of worried she'd create craters; she was hitting it that hard. "I know what he's doing, Bee, and it's not good. He's interested in you. He's going to try and start shit."

"I'm in love with Edward, Alice."

"That won't stop him. Like I said, eye on the prize."

And here I thought she was joking.

She most definitely wasn't.

Fifteen minutes later I laughed nervously and wiped my hands on my jeans, desperate to move my hands. I was nervous. This entire situation was fucking awkward as hell. Jacob made some really lame joke and then looked at me with those damn chocolate eyes of his. I knew that look. He looked like a lost puppy who found his owner. Oh dear, here I am referring to Jake as a dog. But shit! That was the only way I could think of it! I knew that from the moment he hugged me he liked me. How is that even possible?

_Um, hello. You and Edward?_

_Point taken, brain._

Edward angrily tore a piece of bread with his teeth and was chewing roughly, eyes not moving from Jacob. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably, looking at my now angry boyfriend in confusion. Why was he staring at Jacob is such a way? I mean sure, he's attractive... But he's _not_ Edward.

"How was your class today?" Carlisle asked Edward, trying to break the awkward silence. I smiled at him thankfully, hating the silence. We all got along really well, besides Leah, who looked like she wanted to rip my damn head off. Sue hugged me the moment she saw me and I immediately liked her. She exuded warmth, just like Esme. Just like everyone else in this room...

_Beside Leah, Bella._

_Yeah thanks for that, brain._

_You're welcome, Bella. You have pasta on your shirt._

I quickly wiped away my pasta mess on my shirt and looked at Alice. She was staring at Jasper with adoring eyes, and he, her. Emmett and Rosalie were chatting away with Esme and Carlisle and Seth and Leah were in their own world. Charlie, Sue and Billy were talking about fishing, which left Jacob, Edward and I silent. I smiled as I reached for Edward's hand. He looked at it and all the anger disappeared from his eyes. He took my hand and looked at me lovingly.

"So are you two together or something?" Jake asked casually through a mouth full of pasta.

"Jacob Black! Table manners!"

"Sorry Esme," he swallowed his food and repeated his question.

"We are." Edward said curtly, wrapping his arm around me. I fought the urge to laugh my head off as I realized what was happening. I leaned into him and whispered in his ear.

"Possessive, are we?"

"Fuck yeah, I'm possessive." He said back to me, and loudly enough for Jacob and the rest of Forks to hear. I felt a shiver rush through me.

"How long for?"

I felt Edward stiffen and I couldn't help it – I laughed. He shot me a playful dirty look and I smiled at him before looking at Jacob. He looked pissed off that Edward's arm was around me. What the hell was with all of this testosterone today?

"Officially, five months. But we were kind of... Uhhh.. Exclusive before then."

"And you already live together?"

"We love each other," Edward said in an icy tone, "we didn't see the point in putting off what would happen in the future anyway."

"So you're one of those serious couples then?"

"Yes."

"So what, you want to get married and shit? Babies and all? Don't you think it's a bit early to move in together?"

I mentally groaned. Was Jacob trying to start shit with Edward? According to Alice, yes he is. The small glint in his eye indicated that he loved what reactions Edward was giving him. I decided to nip this shit in the bud now before it would get too out of hand.

"We haven't discussed the future yet." I said truthfully. "But there is no doubt in my mind that someday I want to marry Edward and have kids with him. Whether he feels the same, I don't know. But that's how I feel."

All heads shot in our direction. I hadn't realized that anyone else was listening to our conversation. Edward's lime eyes were focused on mine with perfect clarity. His lips were slightly parted and he was looking at me in shock.

"You're serious?"

"Well... Yeah. I mean I don't expect you to feel the same, but-"

"Of course I feel the same."

"Really?"

"Absolutely." He said softly. His fingers trailed my jaw thoughtfully. I wondered what was going on in his mind right now. I wish I could read minds. He leaned into me and kissed me gently, nothing saucy or inappropriate... It was esoteric. It was our little secret, our love bubble. My heart ached from him.

"Take me home." I whispered in his ear.

* * *

* *

My love and I walked hand in hand toward our bedroom in complete silence.

We took our time, knowing that this was something we didn't need to rush. We had all of the time in the world. We walked side by side, almost attached at the hip. I could feel his warm skin brushing against me like the sun's rays. I took a deep, relaxing breath and exhaled through my nose, smiling to myself.

There was a note on the front door from Alice saying she had lit some candles in our room. I had no idea how she knew, but she did. It was a thoughtful gesture and we both found it touching. As long as the house wasn't on fire, I didn't care.

When we reached the foot of our bed, we just stared at each other. The candles that gently flickered into the dark room made Edward look like a God. He was my own personal Adonis. He smiled softly, his green eyes glowing almost ethereal against the candlelight.

"I love you." He whispered as he stepped impossibly closer to me.

I fought back heartfelt tears as Edward slowly undressed me, taking me in as each discarded piece of clothing fell to the floor. With each piece of clothing he discarded off me, I exposed a piece of him, too. I let my eyes adjust to the dark lighting and really take all of him in. My heart skipped a beat. If I thought that he was beautiful with clothes _on_, was there really a word in my vocabulary that could define how he looked naked? My mind couldn't even conjure up something that could even be remotely close... that could even justify it.

There were no words for his beauty.

"Beautiful." He whispered as he pulled me close to him.

"You make me feel beautiful." I whispered against his lips.

For the longest time we just stood in front of the fire place, naked and peaceful. We let our hands get used to our bodies for the first time. His fingertips left a hot trail across wherever he touched. I nearly lost the plot when my fingers traced his bare back and chest for the first time. I needed him so much I was shaking.

Part of me just couldn't understand it... that I knew where to touch him and how this all just seemed... so perfect. Edward made everything feel so perfect, when nothing in this world is.

"Lay down, love." He said in a quiet, thoughtful voice.

I obliged, suddenly feeling extremely nervous. What if I was going to be terrible at this? I didn't know anything about this... How to make love. I couldn't call this sex, because this wasn't what it was going to be... It was the ultimate connection between two people that love each other.

My heart starting hammering into overdrive as he hovered over me. He wiped away a tear I didn't even know had fallen. He kissed my cheek tenderly before looking at me seriously.

"Are you sure you want to do this, love? We have all the time in the world. We don't have to rush this."

"I need you." I choked out, my emotions getting the better of me.

His hands traced my shoulders, my breasts, my waist, looking for my reactions... and where his hands weren't, his lips were. He lifted my left hand, where dozens of scars would stay with me until the day I died. He brought his lips to each scar, kissing them with such love and devotion it made me sob. His hand traced my burns on the side of my ribcage before his lips replaced them. I knew what he was trying to do by kissing the scars I had... and it made me feel that much more loved by someone whom I didn't deserve.

"I'll make it go away, baby."

I cried silently as he kissed every layer of my battle wounds. Each kiss was his own way of cleansing them and sharing the burden together. When his lips finally met mine, the tension exploded into something on an entirely different level.

It wasn't a fight of dominance. We didn't once try to overpower each other, but poured all of our love into each touch, kiss or movement. I never thought this could be such a beautiful thing.

Here we are, on our bed, making love for the first time. I know that I should be nervous that we were doing this, but I wasn't. For some reason, it felt like we had been doing this a thousand times before. The pain only lasted for a few seconds, and I was greeted with immense pleasure... I couldn't focus on anything but him. He was my world, my life. His hands slowly traced my bare skin, sending goose bumps throughout my entire body. I writhed beneath him, breathing heavily. Our bodies were both on fire.

"Are you okay, baby?" He whispered, looking into my eyes.

I nodded my head as tears fell from my face. He stopped moving immediately and looked at me with nothing but concern for me in his eyes.

Was this what lovemaking was like for others? You were both connecting with each other, but it was never enough? I felt this desperation and hunger that I couldn't crush. A thirst that I couldn't quench. A fire I couldn't put out. I had all of Edward, but this... this wasn't enough.

I needed so much more.

I reached for him and kissed him longingly and passionately. Our bodies moved together with the music of skin against skin, stolen kisses and heavy breathing.

Edward pulled me closer to him, lifting us both in the air. He was now on his knees and I wrapped my arms around his neck possessively. I needed to feel him, to know he's mine. My fingers laced around his hair and he started kissing my neck. His hands traced up and down my bare back, his fingers feeling like feathers against my skin. Our breathing was loud and shaky, as if each touch was almost too much for us to take.

We fell back toward the bed, wrapped in each other, surrounded by entangled sheets and abandoned pillows.

"I love you," I said to the man I loved, watching the sweat form on his brow. His eyes never left me once as he told me that he loved me too.

He hitched my leg over his hip as he started to pick up his pace. A wave of pleasure pulsated through me as a loud moan escaped my lips. Our touches, our breathing, the look in our eyes became almost desperate as we were both reaching the end of the road. We wiped away each others tears and he kept whispering that he loved me.

"I love you... So much, baby." I whispered in his ear.

I felt an unusual coiling sensation in my stomach as I cried out in ecstasy. As my eyes were shut I could swear I was seeing stars. Edward's moan was loud and hot in my ear as he called my name.

"I never thought it would be that way." I whispered into the dark room, hours later. We hadn't moved from our bed or even attempted to get dressed. We just lay entwined in each other, silence for once, not a bad thing.

"Neither did I." He whispered.

"Did you ever think that this time last year we would be here? Sharing a home together."

"No." He said, turning to look at me. "I never thought that I could feel as complete as I do right now."

"I'm so glad that I'm not the only one that feels that way."

I yawned, suddenly feeling exhausted. I put my head on Edward's bare chest and listened to his heart beat. I closed my eyes, feeling myself slipping into a deep sleep.

"You are my life, Bella." Edward whispered to me.

"And you are mine." I said, meaning each word I said.


	16. Epilogue: The World Is A Mirror

_A/N: Thank you to each and every reviewer/reader that has taken the time to read my story. Endless love to you all and then some. Hugs and kisses to my beta, Jen, whom I love dearly. See you at the bottom!_

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing**

_Chapter Song: The World Is A Mirror by The Art (Song on profile)_**  
**

* * *

_"When I look into your eyes, I see the world."_

_- The World Is A Mirror by The Art_

* * *

EPOV:

Bella's phone was ringing continuously in my pocket as I was teaching my music class. I ignored it the first four times, but the fifth time, I grew concerned.

"Excuse me," I said, walking out into the corridor to take the call. It would have to be Bella.

Today is her birthday, and I was nervous as hell. With the help of Alice and Esme, we conducted a genius scavenger hunt. We were going to make her travel to different destinations, before she ends up at a meadow that we discovered on a bush walk many months ago. We were going to have a romantic dinner, just the two of us as the sun would set and at twilight I was going to do something that I have been wanting to do for a long time.

I was going to ask Isabella Swan to be my wife.

After that dinner at Carlisle's house over a year and a bit ago, the moment she told me she could see us lasting, I knew then and there I wanted her to be my wife. The love that I felt for Isabella was something that was one in a million. Once in a lifetime. I knew that we be young, but we have both been through so much, and really, are a lot more mature than the number we are.

I scowled at the caller ID, answering the phone curtly.

"Black."

"Edward? You have Bella's phone? Shit! Listen to me!" Jacob was screaming into the receiver and I winced. The sound of the ocean was in the background and he was panting heavily. Was he running somewhere? "Bella's in trouble."

"What?" He had my entire attention, my heart hammering against my rib cage. What's wrong with Bella?

"I'm at First Beach. She's on the edge of the cliff. I can see someone behind her. She's been standing there for ages. I think... I think it's Renee."

"Impossible!" I exclaimed.

"Short, blonde hair? Because that's who is standing behind her right now. BELLA! BELLA! Shit! I think she's going to... BELLA TURN AROUND! FUCK!"

I felt all of the blood drain from my face as I listened to Jake screaming Bella's name and his footsteps running against gravel.

* * *

BPOV:

Today is my twentieth birthday.

It's funny how when you are consumed in all of the depression and suicidal thoughts, you can't picture a future for yourself. Never in my wildest dreams did I believe that two years ago, after I met my previous psychiatrist, Carlisle Cullen, that I would be out and living my life with another ex patient named Edward Masen.

Life with Edward couldn't be more perfect if I asked the heavens above formed in front of me. We have gotten to know each other so much better during our time together, and while times haven't been easy, I wouldn't change any of it. We loved each other unconditionally, and part of me knew that we would never leave each other's side.

I could see the world in his eyes.

In a few hours I would have to return home to prepare for our birthday dinner. Edward was at school at the moment, after I persuaded him to actually go today. There was something that I needed to do today, and I needed to do it alone.

I wandered through the forests of La Push, having no sense of direction, but a destination in mind. I took my time, walking for almost three hours now, letting my feet do the exploring for me. My iPod was plugged into my ears, with my favorite songs distracting me from the dull aching in my muscles. I was seeing everything in perfect clarity.

I was very aware of every step my feet would take and the smell of rotting bark. The ocean was singing turbulently somewhere over the horizon. I took in each piece of foliage I walked past, hypnotized by the many shades of green that assaulted my vision.

I ripped out another page of my diary and let the wind carry it away deep into the bright, warmth of the sunshine. I didn't dare turn around to watch the pieces of my former self trail away, eventually finding the eyes of a curious reader. I fought with myself not to turn around and pick up the dozens of pages that showed who I once was.

During my time in the asylum, my diary was the one possession that I owned that I would have guarded with my life. In a way, I felt like I was holding my heart in my hands, ripping the flesh apart piece by piece for the world to see. I blinked away my tears, not letting myself stop what I already started.

But I need to do this. I had to let this old piece of myself go.

I reached a crossroad and stared at it for several minutes. I was nearly at my destination. I tore another piece of my heart out and placed it underneath a rock, right in the middle of the dirt path.

_You have a choice, _said the piece of paper that was written by Carlisle's hand. It was a part of the letter he wrote to me so long ago, _Bella, this letter is so hard for me to write. I have so much I need to tell you, but I just don't know where to start. If you send me away tonight, I will tell you the truth. __All__ of it. If you ask me to stay with you, I won't speak a word of this again. I'm going to grant you something your mother never gave you. The choice._

I was panting as the sound of the roaring ocean drew closer. The sun was now breaking out over the horizon. The sun was now at its peak, in the middle of the sky. The cliff was drawing closer, inviting me in. I smiled to myself, reaching my destination, as I stood at the edge of the cliff, where First Beach is. I looked down at least three hundred feet below me to where the ocean met the rocks and land. I dropped my diary and it landed softly on the grass with next to no sound. My heart was beating contently, and I sat at the edge.

My hands brushed against the soft, damp grass. It tickled my skin. I smiled and closed my eyes, letting my ears listen to whatever they heard.

I loved the way that the birds chirped in harmony with one another and the way that each individual leaf brushed against each other intimately, creating a unique sound according to each texture. I loved the way that the crashing waves brought me peace.

I reached for my iPod, and played a song that I thought was perfect for this moment. I left one ear out, not entirely ready to block out the sounds of nature. Cool sprays of the ocean hit my skin, refreshing and rejuvenating me.

My feet dangled over the edge as I quietly hummed to the lyrics of the song.

"I am so happy." I whispered to myself. "I deserve to be happy."

I could hear yelling in the distance, and I saw Jacob in my periphery waving to me hysterically. I giggled to myself and waved to him. Jake and I have grown really close over the past year or so. He had finally gotten over his infatuation with me, and is now in a stable relationship with Leah Clearwater. He was trying to yell out something but I couldn't hear him properly. That's when I felt my body leave the damp earth.

I screamed helplessly as my body fell to meet the hungry sea.

* * *

_A/N: Okay... *hides* Quite a few of you won't be happy with me... But this was the original ending I had planned for this story and can't end it any other way than this. But alas, I have a proposition for you, the readers!_

_For my own leisure I have started to write a sequel to this story called **Vermillion**. I am already up to chapter 4, and am very curious as to see whether you all want to see a continuation of Bloodflowers. If I can get up to 60 reviews (That's only 22 reviews, people) within the next **2 weeks** I will continue posting, otherwise, this is the sad end for our dear Bella. *wipes tear* It's up to you, friends. Everyone that reviews with the world 'sequel' will get the prologue of Vermillion sent to them. _

_If we do not reach 60 reviews, I would again like to say thank you to everyone that joined this crazy ride with me. I love you all. Check out my new story Of Fire And Brimstone if you're interested in some vampire lovin' ;)_

_Silhouetics x  
_


	17. AN: Please read re: future of story

_**AN: **Hello all. After discussing this with my beautiful beta, driving myself absolutely mental and weighing up the direction of this story, I have decided to post Vermillion as a **new story**. _

_The link is here for those who are still interested:  
.net/s/6264122/1/Vermillion_

_I'm sorry for posted just one chapter of part 2 and then deleted it, but it's just the way it goes, guys. I'm sorry and I'm expected a lot of hate mail for this. Lol._

_I'm sorry if this pisses you off, and I'm sorry for the confusion considering I said I'd continue posting on here... But I've really thought about this, and instead of it continuing on here, I want it to stand out on its own as apposed to being the backdrop to bloodflowers. This is the only way I can do that. If you decide not to continue reading the story because of this, thank you for taking the time to read my story. If you decide to follow me on the new story page, welcome to part 2, and thank you.  
_

_PS - To anyone else that happens to be reading my other story, Of Fire and __I have deleted it, mainly because I am looking to get that story published. I hope you all understand._

_I love you guys._

_xo Silhouetics._


End file.
